


Two Sides of the Same Coin

by resplendently



Category: Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi (2017), Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, F/M, Feisty! Rey, Force Bond (Star Wars), Grey! Kylo, Grey! Rey, Inappropriate Use of the Force, Internal Conflict, My take on IX, Pining, Possessive! Kylo | Ben, Post TLJ, Protective! Rey, RST eventually, Slightly slow burn, Smutastic, UST, Virgin Space Babies, What should happen if I was JJ Abrams, but actually really quickly, not exactly a redemption fic, not really eventually, there's really a lot of smut and idek why
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-01
Updated: 2018-05-31
Packaged: 2019-04-30 06:21:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 68,959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14490738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/resplendently/pseuds/resplendently
Summary: "We are the same, no matter how much you try to deny it. You’re not alone." His eyes bore into hers and she feels a shiver go down her spine. "Not when I’m here."Rey shouldn’t think about him, let alone miss him, but she does.Three months have passed since the Battle of Crait and yet, the inner conflict that breathes within her still burns.She can’t quite figure out this entire Jedi business, nor can she quite resist reaching out to him even though they’re on different sides in the war. The distance of time and space between them should be enough proof of that, but still, Rey can’t ignore the pull between him and her.She should have known that nothing could really separate them. She would be an idiot to try it anyway.After all, through the Force bond that they share, they are one.





	1. Aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Rey tries to figure out her place in everything in the aftermath of the Battle of Crait. Takes place three months after TLJ.

Chapter 1 | Aftermath

Rey stares down at the circuit board in front of her blankly, her body on autopilot as her hands reaches out to rewire the mess. 

It was almost a routine. 

Almost on clockwork, she would leave her room once she woke and fix the nearest thing that requires it. She wouldn’t stop until supper and then, she was back to bed. And the cycle would be repeated. 

It has been three moon cycles since the Battle of Crait. 

Within her, the Force rolls through her mind like a pulsing wave from the seas back at Ahch-To. It was harsh, violent, unforgiving. It was crashing against her mind like the waves had done against the rocks along the shores. Shuddering, she closes her eyes, movements stilling as she fights it hard.

It referring to the Dark side.

With all her concentration, she images the Dark and her shutting it out with the Light in her. 

Doing so wasn’t easy, it was necessary. 

Killing Snoke’s red Royal Guards hadn’t really done her any favours for resisting the Dark side. In fact, it was more insistent than ever. After all, she hadn’t really had any pure intentions when she had joined _him_ to take down the Supreme Leader. She had been filled with so much anger and hate for what Snoke had done to _him_ and countless of others in the galaxy. 

And wasn’t that the kicker? Hate and anger being characteristics of the Dark side. 

For Kriff’s sake. 

So much for being a Jedi. 

Because of the intentions she had, there was a gap in her mind where the Dark resided, lingered, no matter how hard she tries to push it out. 

Resisting it hadn’t gotten easier like she thought it would. In fact, Rey was pretty sure that it was biding its time until she was vulnerable again. 

Clumsily, her right hand slips against an open frayed wire that had sparks shooting out of it and she could only watch as small beads of blood begin to well up from the wound. 

“Kriff.” 

As she stares at the red welt where the end of the wire had sparked on the side of her hand, the Dark pulsed steadily in her mind.

She was so damn sick of the Dark loitering in her mind. Why the Kriff wasn’t it going away? It often felt like a poisonous weed that multiplied whenever she pulled one out.

In a fit of barely restrained irritation, she slams her other hand against the cool metal panels and rests her forehead on it and closes her eyes.

Around her, her comrades in arms walk past, giving her a wide berth. 

It didn’t matter that she had saved what was left of the Resistance. She was a Force user. In other terms, she was a danger that people skirted around. After all that had happened, people were wary of her and of the power that she held in her fingertips. Rey could hardly blame them. If only they knew how tempting and easy it was to give in to the Dark.

Especially, when it had been offered to her freely.

But no, she wasn’t like _them_. She wasn’t from the Empire, the Sith or the First Order. She was determined to do some good. To help in getting rid of the First Order and all that they stood for, to free the oppressed and give a voice to those that were voiceless.

Unwillingly, her mind wanders to _him_ and immediately, she forces them away. She refused – _refuses_ – to give one more bloody thought to _him_. Again.

Not after all that has happened. 

_You’re nothing, but not to me._

How was it that his voice could seem to echo those words countlessly – repeatedly as if he was just beside her? As if he was standing behind her, body pressing closely against hers, mouth ghosting the shell of her ear as he utters them. Sometimes, she could imagine that he really was there, with her here, much to her shame.

However, in a way, he had been right. She was nothing. She was nobody. She didn’t have a last name, a family or a home. She didn’t really have anything. Being abandoned on a wasteland with nothing to her name, with no one that bothered about her or cared whether she lived or died; she was nothing. 

But for that brief moment when his dark eyes had met hers, when he had reached out a hand to her, she had seen the sincerity in them. In his eyes, she was not a nobody. She was something. A someone. Someone that he saw as worthwhile, someone that thought she would make an excellent ruling partner with. 

Someone that he had killed his mentor for. 

Rey doesn't really want to dwell too much on that. Deep down, she really doesn't know if he had killed Snoke because he was threatening her, or because he was following the Sith tradition where it was celebrated for apprentices to betray and kill their masters.

Perhaps that was because it was a silly dream she could hold on to that shows that she did mean something to someone in this world. Even though it was of the likes of him.

But what she would think of when she was alone in the darkness of her room was of how he made her feel, of how he'd looked at her, of how his hands had felt against hers, or how their fighting styles had complemented each other perfectly. 

She would rather die than admit that she fantasized about him, but only when she was weak enough to give in to her urges. 

Her hand would slide into the waistband of her pants; eyes squeezed shut as her mind conjured images of his hands on her body, his mouth pressing against hers insistently, possessively, roughly or how his form would feel thrusting into her. She hadn’t imagined the ropes of muscle straining under his black uniform. She had felt them in action, pressing against hers as they fought Snoke’s Royal Guards when he fell. 

And there in her bed, she would picture him on her, skin to skin, bodies twisting – sliding, hands leaving marks – bruises everywhere. Mouth laving hot wet kisses, knees parting her thighs so he could slide between them while in reality, her own hands would slide between her damp slick folds, wishing terribly that it was his fingers. 

Kriff’s sake, she curses and closes her eyes, leaning her face against the cool metal sheets of the tunnels of the new Resistance base. Rey desperately wishes that her cheeks would stop flaming up and that the metal walls would provide her some sort of cool relief. 

It was probably terrible of her to think of all this. Traitorous even. 

The man killed, he was a murderer. He had committed countless of crimes, one of the more notable ones being patricide. It was almost a surprise that he hadn’t killed her. Or hadn’t even tried to. 

Shouldn’t it be a turn off?

But yet, the thought of _him_ \- him who was probably many systems away - didn’t make her feel so alone or adrift. Like a small lone meteor floating aimlessly in space.

Rey hadn’t mentioned his offer to anyone, or the bond that she shares with him, or the almost instinct of hers to say yes and never would she tell anyone about the yearning she has deep in her soul to be with somebody who understood her. 

That was weakness. She figured it was. She was a survivor. Living in Jakku where she had to fend for herself had forged her into one. Telling anyone about the inner thoughts that she entertained and held in her mind would lead her to nowhere. 

No one would understand. 

Poe would look at her with that funny reassuring smile but it wouldn’t reach his eyes. Finn would attempt to understand but his hatred for anything to do with the Dark side and the First Order wouldn’t help. Rose would try to drown her in smothering affection while Leia, on the other hand, would watch her as if she was the boy that she had birthed so many years ago. 

The same boy – man – that had turned his back on his family, murdered his father and countless others

Rey doesn't think she can bear that. 

No. It was her burden to bear and it was best to keep these thoughts close to her heart and in her mind. And by that, she means to herself. Not even he would know about these wavering thoughts and the conflict that stirs within her. He would probably be encouraged by it. 

Being alone was all that she knew but she resents it nonetheless. No one would understand the turmoil that struggles within her between the Light and the Dark.

Except him. 

Rey had seen the conflict in him. She could almost taste it. It had been so tangible in his mind that she'd almost wept at it. Due to the fact that it was the very same conflict that mirrored hers in so many ways; the battle between what was right and wrong, the one where she has to face her demons, the one where she has to battle against succumbing to loneliness and hopelessness.

“Rey!” 

Startled, she whips around to see Finn rushing towards her, Rose following behind him and she feels an involuntary smile break on her face. 

“What are you guys doing here? Aren’t the both of you supposed to still be at the negotiation talks?” She questions, beaming as the couple bundles her into a tight hug. Rey hasn’t seen any of them for close to two moon cycles. 

Kriff, she has missed them. 

“It ended early,” Rose supplies, cheeks rosy as she pulls away. “Have you been here all day?” 

Rey blinks. “All day?” she repeats with a frown.

Finn nodded slowly. “It’s close to supper. One of the pilots told me you’ve been here since morning.” 

“Oh.” She stares at the mess of wires and the toolbox resting on the ground near it. “I didn’t know time passed that fast,” she murmurs softly.

She would have been a complete idiot to miss the exchanging of glances between Finn and Rose. It didn’t take a genius to figure out what they were thinking. She didn’t even need to use the Force to see it. They thought that she wasn’t okay, that the Battle of Crait had left her a little loopy and out of sorts. Or it was perhaps Luke’s death that causes her to hole herself up. 

It wasn’t. 

Luke knew that he wouldn’t survive from the effort the Force projection required. 

She had felt it. 

And yet, he had done it anyway.

Again, someone had left her behind. 

“Right,” she clears her throat and forces a bright sunny smile on her face. “Why don’t we eat and you can tell me all about the negotiations and stuff. Has the Resistance managed to gather more allies? Now, where’s Poe?” 

Changing the subject wouldn’t help. She knew that. It wouldn’t stop the minute stares and whispers that followed her wherever she went. But it was the best option for now.

“Poe’s still in the hangar with BB-8, catching up and all.” Rose hooked an arm between hers and held Finn’s hand in the other as she draggs them to the canteen. “General Organa is having a meeting with the Lieutenants about the allies that we’ve managed to gather.”

She relaxes, happy to go along with some semblance of normality with her friends. Finn and Rose starts to argue and they were soon joined by Poe when they entered the canteen. Being surrounded by them made the ache in her heart fade a little and she was soon caught up in their antics. 

“Apparently, the First Order seems to have gone to ground. They’ve been awfully quiet,” Poe announces, brows furrowed as dark curls fell artfully over his eyes. 

“That’s odd,” Rose muses as she squints. “It’s been three months.” 

Finn shrugs half-heartedly. “It doesn’t matter. Their inactivity is allowing us to gather the reinforcements that we need as well as allies.” 

“Or they could be planning something big,” Poe argues as he shrugs. “General Organa is concerned that the new Supreme Leader may have something up his sleeves.” 

At the mention of him, Rey freezes and she quickly forces a careless shrug as Rose scrunches up her nose. “Maybe. If so, Rey can give him a matching scar on the other side of his face.” 

Finn snorts milk all over the table and Poe bursts into raucous laughter and Rose starts to giggle and all she can do is sit there with a Kriffing stupid grin on her face. 

The topic jumps and soon Finn and Rose are caught up amongst themselves and Poe turns his attention to her, which is something that she really doesn’t need right now. For all the suave and charming personality that Poe Dameron has, he was rather startling perceptive. 

It was blatantly obvious that he could see right through her. 

“Rey, are you sure that you’re fine?”

“Of course I’m fine.” She immediately says and stuffs her mouth with some bread. “I’m fine, truly. If anything is really the matter, I’m just afraid about Jedi things. Master Luke is gone and there is no one else to teach me anything,” she lies. 

It was a pretty good lie and she was hit with a slight pang of guilt for lying to her friend. But rather a lie than the whole story of how she misses _him_ despite everything.

“Well, if it comforts you, I really think it would be bloody awesome if you use the Force to put General _Hugsy_ into a tight position,” Poe declares with a broad grin splitting onto his face. 

Rose immediately jumps into the conversation and more raucous laughter is being produced when Finn adds his own opinions and jokes. She knows that there is a smile on her face. A smile that was gradually fading as she eats and offers small bouts of forced laughter as Finn begins impersonating Hux with a rather comical pinched look on his face.

And although she was in a room full of people and with her friends surrounding her, Rey has never felt more alone in her life. 

* * * * *

It is dark when she finally crumbles into her bed. 

Here in the dark in her room, Rey thinks that she can finally be herself. Not the cheery mess she had been earlier in the canteen. Or the self-assured confident girl that she has to pretend to be in front of the Resistance.

Here, in the privacy of her room, she can think about what would happen if she'd joined him. If she had said yes for him to be her teacher and what they could accomplish together with her being his apprentice. She had always thought about it. 

Rey also thinks about the vision that she had. Said vision about him repenting for his grievances and coming back to the Resistance to be with her. It doesn’t seem likely anymore. Not after he had declared himself Supreme Leader of the First Order. 

Gently, she reaches out to the bedside table on her left, fingers rummaging for the broken weapon that had been resting there all these while. Reverently, she grasps it lightly, feeling the broken edges of metal and the inner mechanics of Luke Skywalker’s lightsaber. 

Fighting side by side with him had been exhilarating. 

It had been instinctive, natural and it felt as if they moved together as one. Together, they had covered each other’s weaknesses and supported their respective strengths. Initially, she had thought that her vision was coming true when he killed Snoke. 

She was wrong.

Utter horror had filled every inch of her entire being when he turned away from her and had headed towards the ghastly throne that belonged to Snoke. It was almost a miracle that she held on to who she truly was despite the Dark voice in her mind urging her to join him when he had called out to her. 

She’d also refused to entertain the thought of eliminating him when they’d been knocked out by the Force and where she’d been fortunate to be the first to wake. All she had felt was bone deep sorrow that she had failed. 

In the past, Rey would have liked to think that in all circumstances, failure wasn’t ever to be an option that she had. Failure to find portion worthy parts in the graveyards of Jakku would lead to her starving. Failure to bring BB-8 to the Resistance would lead to the First Order gaining a terrible advantage. Failure to bring back Luke Skywalker to the Resistance would lead to everyone losing hope. 

Now, things were different, she'd learnt. It irks Rey to say or even admit that she had failed in attempting to bring him back. But she knew that if he was to come back to the Light – her – he had to do it on his own and on his own terms. 

She had done all that she could. 

But despite it all, she wishes that he hadn’t gone down this path. Through the Force bond that they shared, she had been so relieved and pleased to know that out there in the entire galaxy, there was someone like her. 

Sitting here in the dark, Rey could now understand why individuals could drive themselves mad when they were in solitary confinement.

It was the lack of contact, of interaction, of touch. 

It was isolation.

Often, she wonders what he’s doing. If he was all right, if he was fine and dealing with being the new Supreme Leader.

Rey doesn’t really know. They hadn’t had any contact since Snoke’s death.

Not with the lack of him trying. She had blocked him out. Walled up the bond with as many layers as she could get her mind on. 

That being said, sometimes, if she imagines hard enough, she could swear that she could feel the slightest hint of him around her. As if a piece of his presence was trailing her. It was nonsensical, surely. The First Order didn’t know a thing about their new base nor would he know anything considering that she had blocked him out. 

At times, it was as if she could feel a minute brush of a leather glove against her arm, the familiar crackling sound of an unstable lightsaber or how a particular voice sounded with the mask she resents. If she was superstitious enough, she would have thought that she was being haunted. But she knew better.

She had thought they were the same. Everything about them are polar opposites, she would have agreed, if not for the bond. Through it, she could see – _feel_ , how lonely he was and that startling fact resonated with her. On some level, they were lonely and they were fighting their respective opposition so hard that it often led them lost in rage. 

Hers was the Dark, whereas, his was the Light.

Would it be horrible if she let down her walls in efforts to break out of her cell of loneliness?

Throwing back the broken lightsaber into the bedside drawer, Rey curls her feet underneath her and trembling, she closes her eyes.

Was she really doing this? 

Apparently, yes.

Was it selfish of her?

Maybe.

Did she care?

She should. Really, she should. But if she was truthful and honest with herself, she doesn’t. Not anymore.

She almost feels guilty for what she’s doing - fraternizing with the enemy. But she’d been lonely for so long that she’s desperate. Desperate for just a touch, a word, any sign that she’s not on her own. 

After moments of arguing with herself, Rey lets her walls drop. All of them crumbling to nothing but dust in her mind as she waits with bated breath for even the slightest hint that he was waiting for her in the shadows.

Finally, it is now that she fully allows herself to say his name. The one he was given and not the one he chose.

_Ben?_

For a moment, there was nothing. 

It was complete utter silence.

Rey chews her lip, hands curling into the blankets. Had he shut himself off from her too? She hadn’t considered that and she really hopes that he didn't. Tentatively, she reaches out to him, invisible hands tugging on the thin but solid connection that links them together through time and space. 

The reaction and response that she receives delights and relieves her deep down to her very soul.

_Rey._

Her heart leaps.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my first time writing a Reylo fanfic and Jesus help me. Thanks to @raven-maiden and @monsterleadmehome on tumblr for the support and encouragement! Gah! <3 Updates should be weekly but maybe earlier if I can. You can also find me on [tumblr here](http://resplendxntly.tumblr.com)


	2. Questions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Rey finds herself in a very awkward situation due to the lack of foresight and where she gets a rather good bargain and loads of answers.

Chapter 2 | Questions

It is clear that Rey doesn’t really think things through properly.

There was that one time she had picked a fight back in Jakku over portions that left her with some broken bones and a long white scar on her inner left arm. And not to mention, she had blindly followed a droid around and helped it to get back to the Resistance despite being really – _really_ – out of her depth in it.

Before, all she could think of was reaching out to Ben and the internal struggle that filled her if she did. But at that point in the darkness of her room with no eyes on her, she couldn’t care less. However, she hadn’t anticipated what was on the other end of the bond. 

He is in the ‘fresher. With just a towel around his hips.

Her cheeks flame.

Suddenly, she is glad that she had switched the lights off in her room. That way, he wouldn't be able to see her embarrassment from realizing that he was in the nude. As that realization kicked in, she quickly averts her eyes away from the huge statuesque pale form that she had caught a small glimpse of. 

What she hadn’t expected was the mass of ropes of muscles that adorned his body. She knew he was fit, but not _that_ fit. Never would she have thought that being Snoke’s apprentice would give him that sort of build. Before she had looked away, she had noticed a broad frame, biceps that she wouldn’t mind wrapping her arms around and a torso that was ripped in all the right places. Not to mention, the water dripping all over his pale form. 

For a brief second, an utter complete wave of madness descends and she considers taking a longer look to see if a particular droplet of water would run past his navel or through it.

For Kriff’s sake. She was now pretty sure that her ears and neck were bright red.

 _Rey_. 

She sucked in a huge breath through gritted teeth and really, what was she doing? Was she really going to – yes, she was.

“Ben.” 

Saying his name aloud made it all seem real. That she was really communicating with him right now in her room. If only the others knew what she was doing, they would probably throw her into a cell after the decimation of the majority of the Resistance. 

Despite the wavering thoughts in her mind, her heart won and the bond stayed open. 

_That’s not my name._

Rey notes that he wasn’t snarling at her for using his given name. She was sure that if anyone else had done that, they would be losing their heads. 

“It’s your given name,” she said, tucking her legs to her chest. “I’m not using the other.” 

_You can stop looking away now. I’m decent._

She presses her lips together at the sound of barely disguised amusement lighting his tone before meeting his eyes. 

Three moon cycles had passed and to her, it really wasn’t that long but looking at him, it felt like eternity. 

The first thing her eyes take in is the scar across the right side of his face. Had that been really a few months ago too? 

As usual, he was dressed in the usual black garments but she was pleased to note that the ghastly mask he used to wear was absent. Rey figured that he would wear it once more now that he was Supreme Leader. 

With it being the first time she’s seeing him since Crait, her eyes roam all over him quickly and a little desperately. From the dark waves around his face to the pale complexion he had, the lines and dark circles around his eyes and the tightness of his mouth, it surprises her to see that he looks tired and…drained. 

“Is being the Supreme Leader all you thought it would be?” she blurts out and Ben narrows his eyes as he regarded her with a look of irritation painted on his face.

_Why are you calling out for me after all this time? Why now?_

Her mouth works for a response but none comes. 

What can she really tell him anyway? 

That she wishes he were here with her? That she wanted to see him? Or worse, that somehow, she misses him? 

“I,” she begins hesitantly but cuts herself off when he moves across the sparsely decorated room and sits on the edge of her bed. 

Her heart begins to pound as the sight of his wet body in the ‘fresher surfaces in her mind. 

Ben tilts his head and raises a brow impatiently. _What do you want?_

From the way he is looking at her, she can see the turbulent emotions crashing violently in his eyes. Rey doesn’t need to poke through his mind with the Force to guess them. His behaviour and countenance say all that is needed. 

Ben Solo was never good at disguising his true thoughts and feelings. In fact, he wore his heart on his sleeves with his emotions painted on his face for all to see. He’s hurt that she’s blocked him out, that she’d left him behind, that she’d rejected his offer to be by his side. She can see rage glittering in those dark expressive eyes of his and she can see that he’s furious at himself for allowing her to get away and for caring that she did.

Her throat becomes clogged up and she blinks quickly. “I just wanted to see you,” is all that she says. 

Ben remains silent but she notes through glassy eyes that his eyes soften as he takes her in. 

Quickly, she rubs her face in an ungraceful manner to see that he is somewhat more relaxed. She sits on the bed and watches him, unable to believe that he really was here and that he hadn’t slammed the bond shut and kicked her out – because that was what she would have done if their roles were reversed. 

And with the close proximity, Rey finally asks the question that has been burning in her mind since Snoke’s fall. 

“Why didn’t you come with me?” she says, body creeping a little closer to his until she could feel the heat emanating from his rigid posture. “Back to the Resistance,” she adds as an afterthought.

Ben doesn’t seem surprised at her question and she feels a prickle of annoyance ease into her mind. 

She doesn’t know if the annoyance was for him for choosing to go down this ugly heinous path of death and destruction or the fact that she still thinks about his decision.

_Why didn’t you join me?_

She stiffens. It was very typical of Ben Solo to turn the tables on her. 

“You know why,” Rey frowns. “I don’t support your First Order ideologies and-“ 

_I told you we could change things, together!_ Ben clenches his jaw. _Things would be different! You’re still clinging on to whatever rubbish teachings that Skywalker had shoved at you,_ he all but snarls, eyes flashing and she could only bite her bottom lip. 

“It’s not that,” she rebuts softly and reaches over to the wall to flick a lamp on. Warm amber light washes throughout the room and she gazes at him earnestly. The yellow light causes startling shadows to dance across his face as she resumes her previous position on the bed. 

“I don’t want to rule over anything.” Her eyes meet his and in the warm light, she notes how it seems to give his harsh features a softer edge. “I just want to feel like I belong – like I’m needed.” 

Ben is silent and he shifts on the bed till he is facing her and there was about a few scant spaces between them that makes her very aware of him and the space he occupies due to his large stature. 

_You are._

Rey’s heart skips a beat as her eyes flew to his. In that moment, with hazel meeting brown, she swallows hard. His eyes spoke volumes and the silence that follows permeates every cell in her body. 

“I know that,” she says quietly. “I want-“ she stops and inhales slowly, eyes darting away from his to glance at the wall behind him before meeting the intense gaze of his once more. “I want normality and I want to do good.” 

Rey doesn’t look away, wanting to convey how serious she was about this. About her beliefs and choices. She may not have much of a say about how things went on in her life but her beliefs were something that no one else could take away or change except her.

The unspoken ‘and you’re none of those’ echoes loudly around the room and she almost regrets admitting them to him. 

But she figures that it is time that they were honest with each other. Or at the very least, she should be honest with him. She owed that to him at the very least.

Ben’s features twist and his nostrils flares. _Then why are you here talking to me? I’m practically another version of Darth Vader; your friends would turn their backs on you should they know about us fraternizing._

Rey is taken aback by the savagery and rage that overcomes him and it is so strong that through the bond that they share, it is almost tangible. Her mouth twists uncomfortably as she reaches out to him but she thinks twice about it and lets her hand stay limply on her lap.

“I miss you.” 

He stills and the look on his face confirms the fact that Ben Solo doesn’t hear those three words very often. 

Her heart aches for him.

She watches as the Adam’s apple at his throat bobs and the emotion in his eyes causes her fingers to itch to touch him. She wants to draw him closer till they’re pressed tight against each other and she wonders if his hair was as soft as it looked. Rey also thinks about his lips – the very full and pink ones that he has and what they would feel like against hers and that very thought unleashes all her secrets. 

Secrets referring to the fantasies she has about him when she touches herself in the privacy of her room. Often, she climaxes at the image of their bodies twining against each other, him taking her hard and fast, hips thrusting roughly into hers as his mouth leave bruises along her breasts and neck while she, on the other hand, would try to inflict more marks of possession on his back like the one on his face. 

She knew what sex was. The dirty holovids left behind in the countless ships in the sandy graveyards of Jakku had taught her that, but it didn’t mean she had tried it. One really didn’t think of anything else but food when you were starving and hunting for your next meal.

The sight of a small smile playing at the corner of his mouth ring alarm bells throughout her head and Rey realizes that there is absolutely nothing shielding her mind from him and that he could probably see every thought she has right now and from the past few seconds.

Panic rises in her and Rey wishes she was anywhere but here and that she shouldn’t have initiated contact after blocking him out for so long and damn her Kriffing self for practically asking for trouble and having no sense of self-control or restraint when it comes to Ben Solo and really did he have to look so impossibly smug and-

Her mind grinds to a halt when his head ducks down to pull a glove from a hand and she can only watch in silence as he offers a large hand to hers. 

Right at this moment, she is flung back to the moment at Ahch-To where she had reached out for him in that tiny stone hut. She had been so lost and confused about everything and what the Dark side had failed to show her and she had been drowning in loneliness and anguish that she had searched him out. 

When their fingers had made contact despite her trembling like a leaf, she had been assaulted with the emotions that had been brewing in his ragged soul. Instantaneously, she could almost feel how terribly alone and conflicted he had been. Murdering his father hadn’t done any good at vanquishing the Light out of him. 

At that point, all she could see was the boy that had been overlooked by his father, feared by his mother and treated with ill-disguised suspicion and wariness by his uncle. 

Rey almost wishes that she hadn’t seen all of this. It would have been easier to simply view him as the enemy and not the conflicted damaged soul he was. 

In addition, she could even taste the resentment he held at everyone, the self-hatred for not being enough for anyone, especially for his father who wanted a son to head off for daring adventures with and the anger for even caring about it all. She knows that he hates himself for things that are out of his control and not to mention the crippling guilt that consumes him. Guilt that she suspects lies dormant within the raging battle of his other emotions.

From this, when she looks at him, she doesn’t see Kylo Ren, Snoke’s apprentice or the Master of the Knights of Ren. 

Instead, she sees Ben Solo. Ben Solo whose soul seems to call out for hers. Ben Solo who understands her own grievances and demons that she carries with her. 

This time, without any hesitation, she reaches out and places her hand over his. 

The thrill that shoots down her spine startles and shocks her. Rey doesn’t know why considering that this wasn’t the first time they’ve touched. Stunned, she watches as his thumb caresses her knuckles before slowly locking their fingers together. 

How long has it been since she had touched him? How long has it been since she had contact in this manner? Immediately, her mind races to his and as she looks at him and she wonders how long has it been for him since he had human touch? 

Her eyes drift down and the very sight of their interlinked hands transfixes her and she gazes into his eyes and notices that hunger is reflected in those brown depths. In mute awe, she allows him to pull their intertwined fingers to his face before pressing his mouth against the multiple veins at her wrist. 

Immediately, heat pools in her nether regions and her breath hitches.

Rey knows what this feeling is. Lust. Arousal. Desire. And they are all for the man right in front of her. 

Slowly, his teeth grazes on the delicate skin there and she hisses through her teeth when he gives a sharp nip and the warmth of his mouth causes a delicious curling effect to surface in her body. She can’t help but feel that this was all incredibly intimate and _erotic_ especially when Ben is watching her face as he worships her hand.

Her eyes flutter shut when his lips presses a soft warm tender kiss on the back of her hand and instinctively, her heart races. She was really sure that if he took a peek in her head through the bond, he would probably see a mess of jumbled thoughts that were all about him. About Ben Solo. 

The action of tugging her closer made her eyes fly open and she quickly takes in the new position that they’re in. He was still on the bed but his hands were now on her waist and the feel of them on her body with a thin flimsy tunic separating them made her swallow hard. In fact, she was practically on his lap with her hands on his chest to steady herself.

She steals another glance at him.

His eyes were looking down. Not at her hands on him, but at her chest. 

It was then when she realizes that the tunic she had on was quite translucent due to the warm glow of the lamp she had switched on.

She freezes and her eyes flit towards his face as his hands began trailing up her body in tentative hesitant movements and Rey remains utterly still, hardly believing that this was actually happening. 

When his hands stop, she realizes that they are at the sides of her breasts, fingers brushing beneath the small mounds but he pauses, as if he was asking for permission. 

Their eyes meet. 

_Rey._ He utters in what seems like desperation as his brows furrow and from the close proximity between their faces, she observes that his mouth trembles a little.

The very sight of him at her mercy gives her a heady rush that goes right to her head and she moves a hand away from his muscled form and clutches one of his hands and together, she moves them to cup her breast. 

The raspy growl that escapes his mouth sends goosebumps to break on to her skin and she feels feverishly hot. Through heavy lidded eyes, she silently dares him to take things one-step further. 

In truth, Rey has no idea what she was doing but she wants _more_. More of the feelings and sensations that Ben evokes from her. For so long, she’d been on her own, a shell that focuses on surviving that she is barely living. And that’s what she wants now more than ever – to _live._

Ben arches a brow at her unspoken challenge and he pulls her abruptly to him, their lips a hairbreadth away and she shudders in anticipation and licks her dry lips. 

He remains silent and the remaining hand on her torso creeps up and cups the back of her neck and she observes that the leather glove on that remaining hand induces a different kind of responsiveness from her body. One that she doesn’t mind experiencing on different parts of her, in fact, she looks forward to it. 

Her lips part and she has no idea who moves first but the result is the same. Their lips meet and it is everything and anything at once. 

She was lost. 

She was drowning. 

She was suffocating. 

She’d been an idiot – _a Kriffing fool_ – for thinking that she could leave him. That she could pretend he was nothing but a villain under a mask. That she could go on without seeing him. That they could part without any lingering effects on their souls. 

She was wrong.

Now, she knew better. 

Eagerly, Rey hooked her arms around his neck. At this moment, their chests were flushed against each other and she could feel his heart pounding in his chest. She was certain that her heart probably mirrored his and that was the last thing she thought of due to Ben lifting her up and wrapped her legs around his waist. 

His mouth was urgently moving against hers and even though she wasn’t entirely an expert in this kissing business, she catches on quickly and all she wants to do is to find out if his hair was as soft as they looked. 

They were. 

She sucks in a sharp breath against his lips when she feels a hand on her skin and without thinking and throwing all caution out of her mind; she pulls the tunic over her head and tosses it on the ground. 

Rey doesn’t really bothers about the way she looks. She knows she isn’t entirely endowed in the chest area. In fact, some would call her scrawny and shapeless but she knows she is fit. That she doesn’t really have a layer of fat on her body due to the harsh conditions of Jakku. 

Ben doesn’t say anything but drinks in the sight of her and she is left feeling a little awkward. She isn’t entirely in the nude, it was just her torso but she feels unsure, uncertain on his reaction. She wouldn’t have cared but this was _Ben._

____

____

Before embarrassment and any semblance of shame can kick in, he lets out a desperate groan. One that reverberates throughout her entire being and leaves her breathless and shaking at the way he looks at her. 

As if she was the salvation that he was seeking for his tortured damned soul. As if she was the solution to all his problems, the answers that he was desperately looking for or like she was the penance for his crimes and he would revel in worshipping her with his mouth, hands or any part of him. 

She wants it all, whatever he can offer. 

He converges on her in a sudden move that leaves her head spinning and her body winded and she can only moan in response when his mouth leaves hers and starts to travel down her neck and she watches wide eyed as his mouth encloses over a nipple. Slowly, he starts laving gentle strokes against the tightening bud and her belly quivers until his teeth grazes it with a sharp sting that bequeaths both pleasure and pain in its wake. 

Her spine arches involuntarily and Rey tugs at his hair hard, fingers weaving through those dark perfect locks of his while offering more of her to him. Frantically, she feels a budding tension in her. It is familiar but yet, alien and she realizes that the sexual frustration she has in the past is a pale imitation of what she’s feeling now. 

This, she marvels, is what desire really – _really_ – feels like. It was all consuming and mind wrecking. It was all she could think of. At this, all she wants to do is to relieve this building pressure in her abdomen and she can’t help but rub her groin against his. 

The answering hardness that meets her tells her all she needs to know – that he’s aching and wanting for her; the desert scavenger from Jakku. 

That thrills her down to her very soul and she grinds impatiently against him, anxious for any small amount of relief that only he can give. Involuntarily, he gives a little thrust against her and she whimpers at the feel of him of how good he felt.

 _More, more, more, more_ , her mind screams and Ben must have heard it for he leaves a bruising mark against her breast before pulling away and during that fleeing moment, the image of his face is imprinted in her memory for years to come. 

His dark eyes were burning for her, his lips were wet and parted and the tip of his tongue licks his lower lip tantalizingly as if he liked the taste of her skin on his tongue. But what catches her attention is the expression on his face. 

It was so clear to her, every feature of his, from the expressive dark eyes, the patrician nose, the full lips and the scar that she had given him. He adored her. 

_Her_ – the nobody.

“Ben,” she whispers as he gently pushes her down on the bed and slowly hooks his fingers in the waistband of her leggings and underwear and began sliding them down. 

She should feel uncomfortable. She was nude while he, on the other hand, was fully dressed. But this very contrast excites her. Rey doesn’t have to bother on what he thinks about her body. She was past caring that and she jumps when Ben grips her ankles and sinks to the floor at the foot of the bed

“What are you doing?” she demands uncertainly but lets him part her legs anyway. 

_What you want_ , he replies gruffly. _More, wasn’t it? _He smirks and before she could tug at his hair for the teasing, her eyes widen as he surges his mouth against the apex of her thighs.__

____

____

“Ben!” 

Her back shoots off from the bed but the gloved hand presses her abdomen down and she is forced to accept the sizzling currents of decadence that washes over her as his mouth works on her. 

She had seen this before in the dirty holovids, but never had she thought that it would feel like _this._

She begins to pant as a light sheen of perspiration coat her forehead as his tongue does unspeakable things to her that makes her toes curl. Squirming wantonly, she clutches a hand and yanks hard on his hair when his nose bumps hard on her clit and a long moan spills from her lips.

Rey doesn’t really know how to describe this but it feels like heaven. 

His tongue delves into her slick folds as he laves at her fervently as if he was dying of thirst and she, a great big jug of water. His other hand starts to glide along her opening and she shudders and presses eagerly against his probing fingers. To her slight embarrassment, he enters her with ease but the answering rumble from him at how wet she is settles her at ease and really, she should be past caring. She was after all, naked and his mouth was pressed against the most intimate of body parts. What did it matter if the evidence of her desire for him was so great?

The feeling of his finger was alien enough, his fingers were longer and thicker than hers but it feels good. Rather pleasant, actually. 

_Just pleasant?_ He asks, mouth pulling away from her and she flushes at the wetness on his face from her arousal that was highlighted from the dim light. 

“Ben, please,” Rey hears herself saying – pleading. 

_What about this?_ His mouth curves as his finger starts to move in her. Her mouth goes slack as he soon adds another finger. 

_Does this feel good?_

She gives him a barely-there nod as her free hand grips the sheets in a tight fist. Whatever he’s doing does feel good – way _too_ good. Surely if it feels this good, it can’t be wrong. 

She starts to rock against his fingers and the coiling tension in her starts to tighten and Rey knows the end is near. Through the bond, she can guess that Ben is sensing whatever she is experiencing for she doesn’t hear any more comments and the next thing she knows is that his mouth is on her again. 

The combined movements of his zealously thrusting fingers and the broad strokes of his tongue push her to the end. The tightened coil snaps like a spring that is wound too tight and stars burst in her eyes and she lets out a silent scream. 

Rey isn’t aware of anything else but _this._

It was euphoria. 

Pure bliss. 

When she comes down from her high, she is vaguely aware of Ben pulling away from her and she registers that he had prolonged her pleasure as his fingers slip out of her. 

Blearily and boneless, she struggles to get her bearings and reaches out for the thick belt that was part of the uniform he wears but a hand grabs hers and she blinks up at him in confusion as he shakes his head.

She knows things like this go both ways, so why wasn’t he allowing her to reciprocate? 

_Not today._

“Why?” she asks, feeling a sense of uncertainty and a slight tinge of regret wash over her. Did he not like her, or did he not find her attractive enough? 

_No!_ Ben all but shouts and he pulls her hand to his covered cock. Beneath the fabric, she feels him hard and straining, greedy for any contact. At the feel of her hands on him, it twitches and she could feel herself flush. _This is for you,_ he says, eyes burning. 

“Well, then why?” Rey frowns. “I don’t mind, after all that you’ve done…” she trails off, cheeks turning pinker. 

_Today is just for you_ , he supplies stiffly and he makes an effort to get off the bed and she watches with growing discomfort as he pulls the glove back on his hand. 

“Where are you going?” 

He stops and their eyes meet once more. _Back._

“Why?” she blurts out. “Stay.” 

Ben’s eyes gleamed with some unspoken emotion that vanishes as quickly as it appears and she mourns the lost opportunity to analyse it but that feeling fades when he settles onto the bed beside her. 

Quickly, she tugs her tunic over her and lies awkwardly on the bed. What they had done hadn’t escaped her but she doesn’t feel shame or regret. She ought to, but she doesn’t. Ben lies tautly beside her and despite the intimacy of their actions earlier, the tension between them builds. 

It was ridiculous, she decides before turning to her side to face him. She shouldn’t be feeling this way for someone she knew almost inside and out, especially when he too knew her the exact same way. He understood her and she did understand him too. Furthermore, he had his face pressed against her crotch; there really shouldn’t be any room for embarrassment.

Ben stares at her and he too turns to his side. Feeling encouraged, she shifts closer to him, the desire to be nearer to him wins and she tugs the blankets over her body and gazes at the myriad of emotions that swims in his eyes. 

Delicately, she reaches out to his face and gently traces the scar she has left behind. Slightly raised skin meets her fingertips and she is surprised that it really doesn’t look as ugly as she had initially thought. Actually, it looks rather handsome on his face, she marvels, it giving him a daring edge and all. Not to mention, something like possessiveness curls within her at the sight of it. It was irrational but Rey was past the point of caring.

“How is the Force still connecting us when Snoke is dead?” she asks, hands dropping to rest on the bed. “He was lying when he said he was the one connecting us, wasn’t he?” It really wasn’t a question that needed to be answered, but Ben does anyway.

 _Yes._

She licks her lips and shifts a tiny bit closer to him. She would never admit it but she was very appreciative of her bed being small enough that it causes Ben to huddle closer to her in case he falls off. 

“Why are you following in Snoke’s footsteps?” Rey peers at him and he remains silent. 

It was silly of her to think that he would respond to that one. Sighing, she curls up to him, head resting on pillows before she burrows her face into his chest and lies there in contentment. 

_You won’t shut me out again._

A small grudging smile forms on her face when she notes that it was more of a statement than a question. 

“I won’t. As long as you tell me that you’re there,” she offers. “I don’t want you poking around in my head.” 

He snorts and ever so gently, he rests a hand on her waist and tugs her closer to him. At his action, she suppresses a smile but closes her eyes instead. Lying there with him at her side and surrounded by his very presence, she feels…happy.

They stayed in comfortable silence and dimly, she wonders at the machinations of their Force bond and she is close to dozing off when Ben speaks.

_Because I thought that I would find answers._

Rey frowns at the words, not really understanding them and why they are being spoken right now. Instead of analyzing them like she was wont to do in normal circumstances, she burrows further into the warmth of his body and the blankets and closes her eyes once more. 

Contentment was a luxury she doesn’t have often. But when she does, she revels in it. 

It isn’t until she is terribly drowsy as sleep comes to claim her and her mind is in that warm fuzzy state where it is barely functioning that she realizes that that was his answer to her very last question.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments mean the world to me and thank you so much for reading! I'm on [tumblr](http://resplendxntly.tumblr.com) too!


	3. Almost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Rey and Ben settle for an almost perfect reality.

Chapter 3 | Almost

She knows that she ought to feel bad or even guilty about communicating frequently with the Supreme Leader of the First Order. 

Or even allowing him certain _liberties_.

But she doesn’t. Not really. She can’t even bring herself to even try. 

Rey doesn’t know if she’s going to be damned for that. 

After what they have done in her room, they interact more and to be honest, meeting him is the highlight of her days. She feels more at peace with him – with everything. There are times that she reaches out to him because she misses his brooding presence and she would see him barking orders at his lackeys or training. 

It has become an unspoken game of theirs to see if they would react visibly to each other if they were in the presence of other company. She would like to think she is winning, but despite Ben’s tendency to wear his emotions on his face, she learns that it is only for her. In front of others, that expressive face is as impassive and blank as a wall. 

He is unguarded in front of her – _for_ her. 

She can’t decide if it is intentional or not. But with the discomfort that trails over him at times, she can see that he wishes he doesn’t bare all of himself to her. Rey doesn’t mention it, not when he looks at her as if she was the moon and the stars and everything in the whole damned galaxy. 

Despite all of this, more often than not, it is Ben who reaches out to her with their Force bond. She’d teased him if he was really that bored of being Kylo Ren, Supreme Leader that he has enough time to bother her. In response, he had glowered at her darkly and left. 

She didn’t understand it at first but it soon hits her that that had been the first time she has uses his claimed title and the name that he had chosen for himself. Deep down, she knows that he likes and prefers for her to call him by his birth name. 

But only if it is her. 

After probably a week since their first encounter from the Battle of Crait, she observes that it no longer takes much effort for her to connect to him. Before, she has to concentrate hard and visualize what their bond looks like; a single thread that overcomes the concept of time and space and hums with the Force. Now, all she has to do is to simply picture him and she’s there in front of him. 

Much to her ever increasing chagrin and relief (she can never decide), she never catches him in the ‘fresher. 

Rey guesses that the longer and more frequently they interact; the force bond between them grows stronger, as if it is tightening. Binding them closer, intertwining them with invisible threads that makes it impossible for either to break free. 

She doesn’t think she wants to be free of him anyway. 

However, she doesn’t know what to make out of it all. So, she doesn’t bring it up.

* * * * *

Rey notices things about him through their meetings.

She never would have figured that Ben Solo is a caf addict who requires more than three cups of the stuff daily. The normalcy of it warms her to her bones and he would sense the direction of her thoughts and snort. 

Sometimes, she would skip meals and eat in her room and there, Ben joins her with his own meal that is delivered by a droid. They would seat cross-legged on the ground, facing each other and she knows if anyone catches her, it would seem like she’s eating with the walls. 

Because Ben is Ben and has grown up in a household that has raised him with manners and appropriate table habits, he eats with grace and decorum while, she, on the other hand, would shovel her food into her mouth as fast as she can much to his distaste. 

He can’t hide the grimaces at the sight of her eating and she would remind him casually that she had been starving as a child and she would inhale food as rapidly as she can in fears that someone would snatch it out of her hands and Ben would clamp his mouth shut and apologise and if she was lucky, she would catch the tips of his ears turning red. 

Another thing about Ben Solo that absolutely fascinates her is that he’s an avid reader. 

There are times when he has company and she takes the opportunity to look at the holobook collection he has on his shelf in the right corner of his room. There isn’t much but the genres there surprises her. There are non-fiction, history, geography and even some about the royal families of other planets and systems. Rey has spotted ones about Naboo, Alderaan and even…Coruscant. 

That is another thing that she doesn’t mention. 

Rey would never have pegged him to be an avid reader but it was something that she quite likes about him. Endearing even. 

Ben had caught her thumbing through his collection of holobooks once and had dryly said that he was the child that stayed in his room to read instead of going on adventures. 

It is obvious that he is talking about Han and his absence in his life. 

In addition, she also sees how he reacts and carries himself and the little signs his features have that gives away whatever that he is feeling. 

Ben clenches his teeth when he is refraining from doing something, be it words or actions, it is visible when he does it. His brow furrows when he hears something he doesn’t like or when he’s undertaking an action that he knows she won’t approve of. His jaw shifts when he is properly ticked off and muscles twitching under his left eye follow that. His fingers will fidget when he’s anxious or nervous and they would tighten into fists just before he lashes out.

With that being said, when he is genuinely happy, creases will appear at the corner of his eyes and it reminds her that he is actually baring his soul to her. There are times that she says something, a remark or a sarcastic comment that makes him snort and the expression on his face after is so comically awkward when he realizes that he actually found something funny and is _laughing_ about it.

Rey always observes how Ben holds and conducts himself with a barely reigned in temper. He is harsh and almost vibrates from the turbulent emotions that lurk beneath him. Said emotions were always too close to the surface and she really hopes that when they finally explode, she’s not there to witness it. 

He is destructive but it doesn’t scare her. She just doesn’t want to deal with the mess that he leaves behind.

Often, she unintentionally intrudes on meetings he has with his officers and Hux and unfortunately, she never learns anything that can help the Resistance. But at least, there is one thing she is glad about from appearing in such meetings, and that is the fact that Ben lacks the finesse that Snoke has as Supreme Leader – he is less ruthless, more on edge, more volatile – less in control.

And as long there are noticeable differences between Snoke and he, she is relieved and grateful.

* * * * *

Rey knows when he has bad days.

He would insist for her to call him by his title. The pretentious one – Kylo Ren. 

She doesn’t.

Ben would reply with a snarl and he would disappear. 

Rey doesn’t worry. He comes back. He always does. 

He comes back more composed but with a tension so thick that it’s like a wall that separates them. 

On days like these, he’s more gruff and impatient and scowls more while shooting derogatory remarks about people and the things he has done.

There are countless remarks about Hux, Stormtroopers who have pissed him off and the rare jibes he makes against his uncle. 

She had been training with her staff once and he had given a biting comment. _Clearly Skywalker hasn’t taught you much due to him being the useless fool that he is._

Or, _maybe you should’ve struck me in the heart instead of my face. That way, I wouldn’t still be here terrorizing the rest of the galaxy._

She doesn’t reply to any of those taunts. She knows that he would use them to start an argument; a quarrel and it would result in unbearable words that twist and hurt, further proving that he is a soulless monster who deserves to be alone and damned for the rest of his life. 

It is all part of the deep resentment he holds toward himself and she tries her best to kiss them away.

* * * * *

On his good days, she can see that he is more relaxed and the weight on his shoulders is absent. Or at the very least, lighter.

Ben is softer, gentler on days such as this and he’ll talk about the memories he has of planets and systems he has visited or the things he has done and on really fantastic days, he would even reveal tidbits about his childhood.

How he has seen a Fathier and had ridden it once, how he likes to stay indoors and he likes food from Naboo, the planet that his grandmother, Padmé Amidala had come from. He even mentions about the experiences he has while trying to build his first lightsaber. 

She likes to hear him talk. 

The smooth low baritone of his voice lulls her to sleep and it soothes her, comforts her even. 

She doesn’t have anything about her childhood to offer in return. But she tries. She talks about her time in Jakku, how she spends her days digging in abandoned ruined ships, the sporadic interesting things and events that happen in the markets or how she picks up several different languages. Some of which, Ben doesn’t know.

The admiration in his eyes makes pride well up in her. 

He never mentions Han or Leia but she can see that he wants to ask about his mother. 

But through it all, she sees the shadows under his eyes and the way he holds himself defensively, as if he is just waiting to be attacked. She can’t decide if it is to protect himself from her or any threats of mutiny in the First Order. 

Again, she doesn’t bring it up.

* * * * *

Sometimes, the bond connects them without either of them even realizing it.

There was once she was training with Poe and she had failed to see the blaster aimed at her. To dodge a blow coming to her face, she turns on her feet and aims the end of her staff at his face. Instead, she had miscalculated and it hit the edge of the weapon and it went off. 

Immense pain had radiated throughout her and she collapsed onto the ground, mind hazy with the agony of the wound on her abdomen. Poe had dropped to his feet in horror before running off for a medical droid and Ben had appeared, eyes blazing, the unstable crimson crossguard lightsaber in hand as he rapidly takes in the situation and surroundings. 

It takes all of her concentration through the pain to ignore him while answering his questions out loud as Poe comes back with the medical driod and apologises. 

It is an achievement, she marvels, to focus on so many different things at once and yet remain conscious. There had been the pain of the wound, Ben Solo snarling around her, Poe offering multiple apologies and the medical droid beeping and attending to her. 

That had been tough enough but she still manages to answer all of his questions as though he wasn’t there because Poe would think she has gone completely mad for speaking to someone that wasn’t there – that he couldn’t see.

Rey doesn’t need word of that spreading. 

Leia would suspect the truth and she can’t really bring herself to lie to the woman she thought of as almost a mother.

It is much later when she is back in her room that he inspects the wound while raging furiously at the incompetence of the pilot and the lack of proper medical care the Resistance has and he begins a tirade and a tantrum that doesn’t stop until she tugs hard at the hem of his black cowl and presses her mouth against his. 

Another incident that has taken place was probably about three days ago when Rey feels a sudden burst of rage that is utterly overwhelming and it encompasses her and she is somewhat jerked towards him, hurtling through the concept of space and time and instead of her room, she sees him and the destruction around her. 

Instinctively, her hands had itched to scavenge out the parts that were adequate and had survived the destructive form that was Kylo Ren, ergo, Ben Solo. 

You could take the girl out of her scavenger like habits on Jakku but you couldn’t take such habits out of the girl, she muses sardonically. 

“What are you doing?” she’d asked and he had jerked, form twisting to face hers violently as if he hadn’t expected her to be there. 

_What are you doing here? I didn’t call you._ His tone was accusative as if he was embarrassed and irritated that she had seen him in this manner and it was all her damn fault. His lightsaber hung limply in his hand and he switches it off before hooking it back on his belt. 

“Neither did I,” she’d retorted, mouth pursing. Her eyes had wandered over the ruined metal parts, cut wires sparking dangerously and there was even a small fire produced from the overheated parts of the dashboard. She realizes, that they were in some control room. “What happened?” 

_None of your Kriffing business,_ he snarls, but she catches the tips of his ears turning red through his dark hair. 

He is humiliated and ashamed for her to see him like this. Losing the tight reign of control over his emotions that is. She knows this through the bond. She doesn’t have to use the Force to figure that out, it was written all over his face. 

So, it was one of those days then, she decides before walking closer to him. 

Her eyes never leaving his, she threads a hand through his hair and visibly, he relaxes ever so slightly. Her hands move towards his face, cupping the gauntness of his cheeks and she gives him a smile. 

But before anything else can happen, she hears someone knocking on her bedroom door and she shoots him a regretful glance and leaves.

* * * * *

They always go to bed together. It is only in the privacy of their rooms that they unravel. Sometimes, she stays in his bed and other times, he’s in hers.

And they talk.

She’ll curl up against him, head resting on his chest because she wants to hear the rhythmic beat of his heart. Her hands would rest on his chest and their legs would be tangled together. Ben would just have an arm resting on her waist but she feels like she’s…home. 

They don’t talk about the First Order or the Resistance. 

It was like a taboo subject and neither Rey nor Ben – she guesses and hopes – wants to break this bubble that they’re in. Because if they don’t talk about it, she can go on and pretend that she’s just a regular mechanic fixing planes and ships and Ben is someone that she has a thing with. 

Rey doesn’t call what they have the ‘R’ word. 

She doesn’t even know if that’s what they have. 

But she would like to think that a relationship is what they really have – albeit it is just in the dark recesses of her mind.

* * * * *

She likes the sound that he makes. The one that comes from the back of his throat when she takes him deep into her mouth and hums.

Or when she swallows every drop of cum he releases into her mouth.

Finally, after two days since he had his mouth on her, she’d forced him down on the bed and reciprocated eagerly. It was different and not what she had thought it would be, but she liked – adored – the taste of him on her tongue. 

Ben had watched her in what seemed like frozen horror and desire that warred across his face but as her hands had unbuckled his belt and slipped into his trousers, it was clear that desire had won. 

Taking him into her hands, she had gaped at it and the moments of her staring at it causes it to twitch in her hand. Her eyes had darted up to his and the sight that greets her stuns her. His face was unbelievably red and his mouth had gone slack. In fact, he was practically panting. 

She feels powerful. That she can bring him to this wordless gasping state.

A sliver of mischief causes her mouth to grin and she focuses her attention on his cock. She notes that there is fluid leaking from its head and curiosity buzzes through her and she swipes a finger over the tip and licks it. 

The taste that greets her is a little salty and musky. Rey decides that she likes it. She wants more. 

Ben growls and jerks his hips towards her and his cock is almost weeping from the slit on it and she wets her lower lip and studies it carefully, eyes taking in every detail of the thick long organ from the way it twitches to the thick vein pulsing underneath it. 

To think that this would fit _in_ her, on instinct, her nether regions throb and she squeezes her legs together. 

_Rey_ , he gasps as she finally takes him into her mouth. 

In truth, she has no idea what she’s actually doing but Ben seems to like it as he forcibly restrains himself from thrusting helplessly into her mouth. 

He tastes exactly like she thinks he would – salty, tangy and a little musky. 

Slowly, with her two hands gripping him lightly, her mouth slips over the bulbous head of his cock and she gives a little suck. Immediately, he shudders and his mouth falls open and he slips his hands into her hair, undoing the three buns in her hair with ease. 

The scrape of his fingernails against her scalp causes a shiver that reverberates through her and with the knowledge of what she’s actually doing causes her legs to tremble and her skin feels terribly heated and feverish. Hence, she’s not at all surprised that she’s somewhat sticky and wet between her thighs. 

The next thing she does is to slide her mouth down his length, taking as much as she can into her mouth and Ben is now a gasping moaning creature of sensation. Gently, she fists him as she sucks and the spit from her mouth helps in lubricating him and it aids in her moving her hands. 

_Rey, Rey, Rey,_ he chants through strangled breaths and she feels empowered – confident even. 

His hands begin tugging on her hair and eagerly; she hollows her cheeks and sucks. Hard. 

Ben lets out a sudden yell and he loses control and begins thrusting into her mouth with a desperation that puts her in awe. She hadn’t thought it was possible but seeing him like this makes her yearning for him grow by leaps and bounds. 

_Rey,_ he pants, dark eyes wild and she loves that all he can say is her name. 

She doesn’t respond verbally but instead hums with his cock in her mouth like she has seen in one particular holovid that makes her cheeks burn. 

Ben gasps and his body tenses and he begins to struggle to pull away from her mouth but she knows what’s happening next and doesn’t release her hold on him. In fact, she releases one of her hands from his cock and grabs at his arse to hold him tight. 

_Rey, no,_ he protests weakly, the muscles in his neck straining from all the effort he has to not climax but the way his hips thrust shallowly against her mouth speaks another thing entirely.

But his words bear no weight on her for she gives one more suck and he comes with a hoarse shout, hips shooting off from the bed, hands gripping her head in a near death clutch as ropes of warm sticky fluid spurts out of him in alarming amounts and all she can do is try to swallow of it as quickly as she can. 

Undoubtedly, never having done this before, some of his cum leaks out of her mouth, but she continues and fists him gently. When he is spent, she releases him from her mouth and he hisses at the cool air making contact with his sensitive cock. 

Satisfied, she watches as he stares back at her. 

He is utterly drained, eyes glassy, his jaw has grown slack and there are beads of perspiration dotting his forehead but his dark eyes are focused on her and she really likes the way he looks at her. 

_Kriffing hell,_ he swears violently as she swipes some of his cum from her chin and sucks it off her finger. 

The next thing she knows is that she’s tossed onto the bed with her clothes being ripped off her body and that includes the arm wraps and then his fingers are deep in her.

She doesn’t think she has ever climaxed that much in her life.

* * * * *

Rey stares at her reflection in one of the windows of the X Wing in front of her and she can feel her cheeks burning from the direction of where her thoughts went.

“Just give me a minute to grab the rest of the tools and I’ll be back,” Rose announces and she nods absentmindedly before bending down to study the mass of wires and electrical components in one of the panels. 

She doesn’t really know what she’d been doing considering how distracted she has been of late. Hence, the need for her to contribute back to the Resistance. Ergo, fixing an X Wing. It’s the least she can do after all. 

Picking up some bonding tape, she tears a section off and applies it to the area in the circuit board just as a familiar sensation begins buzzing at the back of her head. 

_You know, I don’t really know how you do all of that._

Rey stops and a smile forms on her face, turning and she spots him standing behind her. “Why not? It’s just fixing things.” She wriggles a Pilex driver in her hand and his brows furrow. 

_I can’t do any of that. I don’t even know what that is._

She snorts and shrugs. “It’s a Pilex driver,” she informs him archly. 

Ben rolls his eyes and crouches down beside her, eyes meeting hers as a faint smile appears on his face. 

So it was one of the good days, then. 

Promptly, she beams brightly at him. 

Just yesterday, he had disappeared abruptly due to a crisis and she was left alone in her bed. It was the first time she had gone to sleep without him by her side. 

_So?_ He deadpans and stares at the circuit board, a perplexed frown appearing on his features. 

She stares at him. Something is out of place. Something she can’t figure out entirely. Her eyes narrow and she takes in the black tunic he wears and the black trousers and boots and gloves. His hair is still the same wavy mass it has always been.

 _What?_ He glowers at her and finally, she realizes what’s missing. 

“Where’s your cape?” 

_Cape?_ He repeats with an indignant expression. _Or do you mean a cowl?_

“Whatever. Where is it?” 

_What’s it to you?_

“I’m just curious, you don’t have to be so snappy ‘O Supreme Leader Kylo Ren,” Rey mocks with a teasing grin.

Ben merely rolls his eyes as his gloved hands play with the tools on the ground. 

“Do you wear those to the ‘fresher?” she asks playfully. 

He shoots her a dirty look.

She snorts and comfortably, she starts to fix the wires, slotting them back into place and replacing those that are frayed and old. Rey doesn’t understand how she can be this comfortable with him even though they’re not having a conversation or doing things together. 

But she is content with him just by her side.

_Han tried to teach me, but I just couldn’t get it._

She freezes and slowly, she faces him. 

Never had he once spoke about Han and not once, does she dare to bring his father up.

Ben is staring at the wires and his hand is toying with the Pilex driver but the look on his face is blank and his tone bland. As if he was reciting something from memory. 

_I was never what he wanted me to be._ His mouth moves but his eyes are staring unseeingly at the shiny metal panel in front of them. _He wanted a son to go on adventures with, but all I wanted was to stay indoors._

She doesn’t know what to say, but she knows she can’t stay silent. Rey chews on her lower lip and she wants to take him into her arms but she knows that he would see it as pity or sympathy and she, like him, abhors those emotions. 

“He loved – _loves_ – you, Ben. You’re still his son. I’m a hundred percent sure he still loves you up to the very end,” is what she says instead.

His body trembles and her eyes are wide when she realizes that he is close to breaking down. His lips are pressed tightly and his fists are clenched and his eyes are screwed shut. 

“Ben?” she calls out softly, unsurely and he shakes his head before taking deep breaths. 

_Where’s the lightsaber?_

Rey blinks and gapes at him. “Lightsaber?” she echoes dumbly from the sudden change in topic.

 _Skywalker’s lightsaber. I assume you’ve taken it._ He replies gruffly, stealing a sideways glance at her. Ben is now composed and any sign of emotion he had displayed earlier was tucked back deep within himself. She wishes that he didn’t do that. 

“Yes. It’s still broken, if that’s what you’re asking,” she says casually, turning her attention back to what she has to fix. 

_I’ll help you make one._

“What?” Her head snaps to his. 

_A lightsaber. All Jedi need one._

“You’re not a Jedi,” she points out redundantly and Ben rolls his eyes again. She guesses that he has inherited that habit from his mother because there is more than one occasion where she catches General Organa rolling her eyes at wayward and incompetent members of government and senators. 

_You’re going to be one, aren’t you?_ He presses and she hesitates. 

“I-“ she pauses and frowns, wondering if it would be wise to admit her reluctance at this particular issue. In the end, she does. “I don’t know if I want to be a Jedi.” 

It is Ben’s turn to be surprised and his mouth parts and his brows furrow in confusion and hastily, she continues. “No one can teach me and Luke probably thinks that I’m too Dark to be a Jedi. All because I went to the Dark side for a brief moment to find out whom my parents were,” she confesses quietly and quickly turns her head away.

Ben is silent and she feels stupid and foolish for admitting all of this to him. 

She knows she should be over the fact that her parents weren’t whom she had dreamt and believed they were. Over the years on Jakku, she had come up with several theories on why she had been left behind. There had been the beautiful idea that they had been Resistance fighters and had left her there to be protected and safe from the fight against the First Order and once the galaxy was safe, they’ll return for her. 

Hence, her decision to never change her hairstyle. She was afraid that if she did, her parents wouldn’t recognize her without the buns that they had left her in. 

But now, she knew. 

They had sold her for drinking money and that finding almost cripples her and she feels like a fool for all the years gone on that wasteland of a planet. When she thinks about her parents, all she can feel is the anger and hate that she holds towards them and how they had abandoned her when she was nothing but a child and just to feed their alcoholism.

Rey can feel her eyes water up and she blinks furiously. She doesn’t want to cry in front of Ben and let him think she was _pathetic_ and _foolish_ and _weak_ for holding on for so long. She didn’t think she could bear it. 

She can feel him staring at her but she does not look at him. Even though she wants to. The heat of his gaze is strong but she focuses on the task at hand while fighting back the wave of the turbulent emotions that always surfaces up where her parents are concerned.

 _Well, I can still help you make one,_ he finally says after a brief moment of silence. _And if you want, we can train. You have potential and you need a teacher._

The last few words make her snort and she is catapulted back to Starkiller Base where he had made a similar offer in the forest while they had been battling it out with their own lightsabers. 

“This is not some way for you to reenact our first battle, is it?” Rey teases and turns to him and takes in the face that is regarding her solemnly. 

“You’re actually serious, aren’t you?” she breathes out after a beat of silence and Ben raises a brow challengingly as he shifts his jaw. Excitement bubbles up in her and she nods, a gradual bright smile blooming on her face. “Okay. When?” 

_Tonight, if you’ll like._

“Alright.” She beams and nods her head enthusiastically. “Tonight.” 

“What’s tonight?” 

Rey jumps and her head spins around and she is met with the sight of Rose staring at her curiously, eyes darting around the X Wing. “Rey, who were you talking to?” 

Beside her, Ben snorts and disappears and all she could do is stare dumbly at her friend. “I- uhm, I’m prepping myself, to meditate,” she finally says and swallows. “It’ll be the first time I’m meditating since Crait.” 

Rose nods and she supposes that her friend thinks that she still has been mourning Luke and thought that anything related to being a Jedi is a source of pain and grief for her. 

Which really isn’t. 

She doesn’t really know Luke. 

She has only known him for approximately two days. 

Besides, she is slightly horrified that he had raised his lightsaber against Ben when he was nothing but a teenager and all just because he has seen a glimpse of the darkness that lurks beneath him due to Snoke’s influence. 

Instead of gently guiding him, he had the instinct to kill him.

Which was what set Ben on his dark path ever since. 

She doesn’t think she can forgive Luke for that. 

And she doesn’t.

“Well, that’s good then. We all need the help we can get,” Rose offers hesitantly before handing her the tools. “

“Yeah,” she replies lamely before taking the proffered tools and focuses back on her tasks. 

“You know, you seem happier this week,” Rose grins and she stills. 

“Happier?” 

“Yep, Finn and I were talking about it and you seem more…” Rose trails off, nose scrunching up before she decides on the word. “Peaceful,” she finishes.

“Peaceful?” Rey repeats stupidly. 

“Yes, you smile and laugh more.” 

“Oh.” 

“So,” Rose begins to waggle her eyebrows. “Who is he?” 

“Who is who?” 

“The guy!” 

No matter how much Rey tries to suppress it, her cheeks turn red. 

“I knew it! Who is he?” 

Rey begins shaking her head. Hard enough that it feels like her head may fall off her neck. “No one! There’s no one! Absolutely nobody! I’m just glad that the Resistance has been gaining allies while the First Order seems to be having a power struggle because there is no action taken about us – we only have fifteen members of the Resistance after Crait.” 

Rose seems to buy her excuse and she is glad because she has no idea how her friends would react if they know who exactly she’s been talking to.

Okay, maybe she does. 

It would probably result in her losing all her friends. She doesn’t think she can bear that but she doesn’t think she can bear losing Ben either. 

And again, she doesn’t thinks or mentions it.

* * * * *

_Do you have what you need?_

Rey nods and stares at the array of parts that building a lightsaber requires and grimaces. 

She had studied Luke’s broken lightsaber extensively and had gathered and bought whatever she needs from stores long ago, back when she thought she could build one on her own just by referring to the old Jedi texts she had stolen from Ahch-To. 

She was wrong. 

But now, she was about to build one. Or at least, a saberstaff. Rey finds that she is more comfortable wielding a staff and she knows that building one is going to be harder and not to mention, more complex but she is up for it.

Opposite her, Ben is seated and studying the several parts that are laid out in front of him and he nods in approval. 

Painstakingly, they get to work and she is exhausted from the sheer intensity and concentration needed and that was coming from someone who has been fixing and picking out parts from spaceships. To think that she would have it easy is a complete lie. 

Carefully, she sets the appropriate power cell in the metal hilt before starting to work on the modulation circuits and the energy gate for both blades and she is loathe to admit that her hands have red welts from soldering gun. 

_Don’t forget that you need an activation point of some sort on the hilt,_ Ben reminds, eyes on the weapon that is slowly starting to take the form that she wants. _As well as the blade emitter shroud and its matrix,_ he adds as an afterthought and Rey is too tired to even argue that she knows what she’s doing even though she doesn’t because it’s a matter of pride. 

She adds in the necessary modifications and is extremely careful to not invert the emitter matrix. She then slides in the twin pair of Kyber crystals into the two ends of the hilt and until she hears the satisfying sound of things fitting, she doesn’t relax or even breathes much.

Finally, after what seems like years in hyperspace, it is completed and Rey stares at it in awe and apprehension.

“What colour do you think it is?” she chews her lip, eyes fixed on the completed saberstaff and Ben shrugs and takes his lightsaber out. 

_You have to activate it and see,_ he responds and flicks his on. 

The room is engulfed in red light and it is probably the first time that his crossguard lightsaber is switched on in front of her in a non-threatening situation that she finally sees how unstable it actually is. 

Its red blade crackles and hums noisily, unlike the comforting buzz that Luke’s used to emit before it was destroyed and Rey bets that if it is rests on the ground without anyone guiding it, it would probably vibrate unsteadily.

 _Switch it on,_ he orders and taking a deep breath, she does. 

It is blindingly purple. 

“ _Purple_?” she says, aghast and Ben stares at it, mouth agape. 

“Why is it purple?” she asks, twisting the hilt as violet light radiates from her staff. “Does anyone even own purple lightsaber weapons?” 

_There was one,_ Ben replies slowly. _Mace Windu, he was a Jedi Master who was a senior member of the High Jedi Council and he died fighting Anakin Skywalker._

“Oh.” She stares at it. “Why is it purple? What does the colour purple mean?” 

Ben licks his lip and he sneaks a glance at her as if to ask permission to hold the saberstaff and she hands it to him gingerly. 

_Some say that purple is the colour for those who are both Dark and Light._

“Oh that’s just Kriffing great,” she groans and drops to the ground and closes her eyes as her hair fans out around her head like a halo. “Like I need another piece of evidence telling me that I’m not really a Jedi because the Dark side calls to me more than others.” 

Ben is quiet and she peeks at him to see that he is still staring at her saberstaff. 

“Ben?” she begins hesitantly. “What’s wrong?” 

_Nothing._ He deactivates the saberstaff and throws it back to her. 

Deftly, she catches it and sits up straight. “Ben?” 

_It’s nothing,_ he repeats firmly and deactivates his own lightsaber and shoves it back on his belt. _It’s nothing,_ he says again. 

Rey simply looks at him. It was as if he was reassuring himself instead of replying her. 

She doesn’t push him, but instead slides the saberstaff to the bedside table and begins removing her boots and the arm wraps.

 _What are you doing?_

“Sleeping,” she offers and turns her back to him before shrugging out of the tunic she wears for daywear and pulls the grey one she wears to sleep over her head. “Don’t you want to sleep?” 

Ben stares at her and he sighs heavily before shoving his hair out of his face disappears. For a moment, she is afraid that he left and had closed the Force bond between them, but soon enough, he reappears in a thin cotton shirt and trousers and she relaxes and lets out a sigh of relief. 

Silently, he gets into the bed with her and naturally, she curls towards him and closes her eyes, her head resting on his broad chest while his right arm cautiously rests on her hips.

“Ben, you’ll tell me about your reaction to the purple saberstaff, won’t you?” Rey asks quietly, the look on his face from earlier almost haunts her and she finds that she can’t quite rest until she knows the going ons in his head. 

_One day._

She nods a little and presses her face further into his chest. She’s okay with that. 

Somewhat mollified, she closes her eyes and with the rhythmic beat of his heart pounding steadily in his chest, she is lulled to sleep.

It is almost perfect. They are almost perfect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm remarkably unapologetic about the fluff in this chapter. Kudos and comments mean the world to me and thank you so much for reading! I'm on [tumblr](http://resplendxntly.tumblr.com) too!
> 
> Lightsaber references [here](http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Lightsaber)


	4. Reality

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Rey realises there are certain merits to having a fight and that even though she is willing to let him go, he doesn't share that same opinion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologise for this big whooping 8,400 plus words chapter in advance.

Chapter 4 | Reality

Things come to a screeching halt when Rose breaks into her room and informs her that Finn and Poe are grievously injured in a raid that the First Order has done when they were out on a mission. 

She doesn’t know how she can describe the feeling that washes over her. It stabs at her and it tastes bitter on her tongue. 

Rey finally recognizes the emotion as betrayal and hurt. 

She doesn’t think she has ever run that fast before as she throws on her clothes and speeds off for the infirmary. 

The sight that greets her is like an unbearable ache in her heart. 

Finn had been the first friend that she has ever made and despite how things have been going, he will always be her best friend and she, him. Plus, they had a special bond as they understood how odd it is to be suddenly be around many people and be carefree at the same time. Those are things she doesn’t experience in the sandy deserts of Jakku and neither does he in the rigid structure of the First Order. 

Poe, on the other hand, was someone she had gotten to know and she liked his easy-going character and loyalty. She doesn’t know him as well as Finn but she’d gotten to like having him around with his jokes and dry humour. She likes his sarcastic remarks too. In the beginning, she doesn’t really understand them, but when she does, but she lives for them. 

After all that they have gone through together, they are like family to her. 

Seeing them in the state that they are in now makes her blood sing with the urge for revenge. 

Finn is out cold and is practically covered with bacta and bandages that she almost unable to see him at all. She is only able to recognize him due to the necklace that Rose has given him that is wrapped around his limp hand.

Poe, on the other hand, is still conscious but is unable to talk due to the oxygen mask strapped to his face. Rey winces at the sight of the blaster wounds on his abdomen and left arm and the broken bone that protrudes from his flesh on his thigh. 

“What happened?” she breathes out, eyes on her friends – _family_ – and Rose sniffles. “The First Order.” 

Rey closes her eyes as anguish fills her up. 

Her fists tighten and without removing her eyes from her friends, she continues. “What did they do?” 

“They were on the way back from Naboo and the First Order must have been watching them or tracking them – I don’t really know but that’s when they attacked. Of course they were on a diplomatic mission and didn’t have enough fighters. They were outnumbered. Triska and Lesse are dead.” 

She presses her lips into a thin line and her breath shudders out of her. The emotions and thoughts that are whirling in her head are overwhelming and she can’t even analyse or separate them because they are all screaming at her as if they are one single entity. 

But one thing that stands out is the Force. The Dark side of the Force. 

“Rey?” 

“I, uhm,” she begins and clears her throat as Rose peers at her through glassy eyes. “I’ll be back,” she says distractedly before walking away quickly. 

It is odd, she muses, as the Dark side begins speaking to her in a language she doesn’t know or recognize but she can clearly understand it. _Find them,_ it urges seductively. _Make them pay for what they did!_

“No,” she replies, eyes focusing on anything but her surroundings.

 _Do it. You can. You have the power! The Force! Make them regret hurting your friends._

“I won’t!” She hisses, hoping and wishing that the Dark would just go fuck itself and leave her alone because its ideas were sounding really tempting by the minute.

She does want to go after those who had hurt her friends. She does want to make them feel every inch of pain that they had inflicted on them. She does want to make them regret it all. But she doesn’t. 

She’s not like them. And she’s determined to not be one.

_You are Dark. It calls to you and you know it!_

“NO!” Rey practically shouts and slams her arm against the metal panels and the pain from that very impact causes the Dark to slink back to the deep recesses of her mind.

It is too late when she realizes that people are staring at her warily and Rey realizes that she is literally having a conversation with the Dark side right in one of the main hallways of the Resistance. 

She glances at them to see that they are all watching her and whispering amongst themselves as if she is going to Force choke them at any moment or as if she is literally the next Darth Vader. 

She can feel tears prickle at the back of her eyes and gritting her teeth, she ignores all of them and stalks back to her room. 

It is in the quietness of the room that she realizes how furious she is. At the First Order and…at Ben. 

Irrational and fueled on raw anger, she reaches out to him just as her hands grab the saberstaff that they had made together four days ago. 

_Rey, what is it? I can practically feel your anger all-_

He doesn’t get a chance to finish whatever he wants to say when she activates the saberstaff - and the accompanying hum does nothing to calm her one bit – and she swings it at across his face. 

_REY!_ Ben shouts and ducks neatly as the end of the saberstaff almost gives him another identical scar on his other eye. 

“You!” she almost spits. “You hurt my friends!” 

She growls when he blocks another swing of her staff and practically lunges at him, throwing multiple jabs at his form with the staff with practiced ease. After all the years learning how to defend herself with a staff on Jakku, it’s almost like an extension of her arm. 

But with lightsaber blades.

Much to her surprise and annoyance, Ben doesn’t fight back or even activates his lightsaber. He simply ducks and avoids her blows. This probably goes on for a few more minutes until she is filled with exhaustion and frustration than fury that she stops and slams one end of the saberstaff down on the ground. 

“Fight me! Damnit!” She hisses, eyes blazing and all she really wants is to whack him in the face and to release some of her anger on him.

_What exactly happened?_

She hates how unruffled he is. How unbothered he is. How he simply stands in her room and stares back at her nonchalantly as if he doesn’t have a single care in the entire Kriffing galaxy – like he’s completely innocent and that he doesn’t know what he has done.

While she, on the other hand, had been so close to losing people that she cares about. And it was his entire bloody fault.

“Don’t act like you don’t know! This is what you did to them! Your stupid precious First Order!” she snarls and shoves the image of Poe and Finn in the infirmary into his mind with so much force and effort that Ben actually winces. 

A brief look of annoyance flashes across his face and he frowns. _I didn’t do it._

She resents, absolutely resents how calm he sounds. It was as if they were discussing about the weather or the state of their food for all she knew. 

“I know you didn’t! Kylo Ren, Supreme Leader of the First Order won’t dirty his hands with something so trivial as that!” 

Ben flinches and he opens his mouth to say something – to protest or argue – _whatever,_ but she doesn’t care. 

Tears well up in her eyes and she flings another image of Finn with his back sliced open at his hands to him from Starkiller base and she shakes her head slowly and drops the saberstaff. 

Immediately, the violet light disappears as the hilt tumbles from her fingertips to the cool metal flooring of her room and she doesn’t need to feel the tears clinging on her eyelashes to know that she’s _crying._

She’s crying and she’s doing in it front of him. 

“How could you? They’re like my family!” She snaps and glares at him through watery eyes. 

For all the volatile emotions that is Ben, he’s totally blank and she loathes the fact that he can’t even show a sliver of emotion on his face.

 _I didn’t know it was them,_ is all that he says and she begins to shake her head. 

“That’s not the point! How could you do that to people and –“

This time, it is Ben who interrupts her and his eyes flash dangerously as he clenches his jaw so tightly that she is surprised that she can’t hear his teeth grinding together. _I didn’t plan it. It was Hux and I didn’t know about the plan until it was too late._

Rey stares at him disbelievingly and at his flawed reasoning and she squeezes her eyes shut. 

She was an idiot to think that they could just be. 

“I should’ve never-“ 

_Should’ve never **what?**_

The tone he uses freezes the blood in her veins and as she looks at him – really looks at him, she feels how much her heart is hurting and how her mind is screaming at her to stop this. To stop all of this. 

“I should’ve never reached out to you,” she finishes quietly and her throat feels like it is being choked. Not by the Force but by tears. 

_You don’t mean that._ He takes a step towards and she takes one back. _I can see into your mind, your mind says one thing, but your heart doesn’t._

“Get out of my head!” 

_You know who I was all along. Why is it now that your friends_ \- he practically sneers at the last word and she swallows hard – _are the ones who are caught in the crossfire that you get all morally righteous and indignant?_

Rey doesn’t have a response for that. “Get out,” she says quietly. “ Leave. Right now.”

He doesn’t.

“GO!” She almost screams. “You will leave right now, _Kylo Ren!”_

He stares at her, his face is an impassive mask but his _eyes_ – his damn expressive brown eyes _burn._

They burn with emotions that she can almost taste on the tip of her tongue. In many ways, they mirror hers but for once, she doesn’t attempt to read them. She simply chooses not to bother about how he feels. She can’t and she won’t. Not this time.

With one last tearful glare, she slams the Force bond shut and the last thing she sees is his face and how furious he is that he is almost trembling from it.

Despite that, she puts up as many walls as she can between them like what she had done on Crait, even though she has promised that she wouldn’t do that again.

With that done, she sinks back to the floor and screws her eyes shut. 

Rey knows that she is being irrational but she realizes that it is grief and fury fueling all her actions. 

The anger she feels isn’t at him or at the First Order, but at _herself_. Because she is so Kriffing stupid and naïve to think that they can just exist like they have done over the past few days. Doing nothing but talk and fuck around from two very different locations that are practically opposite ends of space.

That had been a dream – an illusion. One that she had been so blind to think that can last. 

She was wrong about that.

She has forgotten that they are in the midst of war. The fact that they are on opposite sides of it doesn’t escape her but she has just been ignoring the facts and putting her wants and needs above others for the first time in her entire Kriffing life that she has loses sight of reality. 

And _this_ is reality.

He’s from the First Order – he’s the bloody Supreme Leader and she’s with the Resistance and the only one that has the Force. 

They are literally the opposite ends of a stick. 

On the ground, Rey hugs her knees to her chest and exhales slowly. 

How has it come to the point where she puts her desire and wants above what is right and wrong? Where had she gone wrong? 

And now, she can’t even put the blame on him. This was all on her. 

She had been the one to reach out to him; she had been the one to slowly allow him to integrate into her life and despite how she should have never done any of those, she still had anyway. However, she couldn’t help it. 

With him, she finds that the struggle she faces on an almost daily basis fades, her loneliness is gone and she doesn’t feel the mounting pressure and the expectations that the Resistance indirectly puts on her. 

Now, she has to be selfless and do the right thing. 

But when and where exactly had the lines between right and wrong blurred? When had it faded that it causes her not to even know what side is she on at this point of time? When exactly had she not cared about interacting with Kylo Ren in an easy manner while simultaneously, Resistance fighters risked their lives on a daily business? 

Rey would like to think that she knows the answer to that but she doesn’t. Not really. 

With the action of shutting him out, she now feels the subsequent effect of it.

Before, there was some form of awareness that was Ben Solo, but now, there is nothing. Absolutely nothing and she feels hollow – _achingly empty._ As if a part of her is missing. It was like he had occupied a section in her mind and now that she has blocked him out, it’s startlingly void and she feels unsettled.

Uncomfortable, even.

More than that, she feels uncomfortable with the Force. It roils angrily within her, clearly unhappy with her choice to separate from him. It feels frighteningly volatile and she doesn’t know if she has any semblance of control over it at this moment and for the foreseeable future. 

Whatever semblance of peace she has felt or experienced so far evaporates like a cloud of dust, as though it hadn’t been present in the first place.

To add on, the Force within her doesn’t feel like the Force that she is familiar with. It feels alien, as if it is something else entirely and Rey doesn’t understand it. She isn’t even familiar with the concept of a Force bond, for Kriff’s sake. 

Even better, she wasn’t even aware that she had the Force until a few months ago. Not to mention, she had thought Luke Skywalker had been nothing but a myth.

But there is one thing that she knows and that is how much she has come to depend on Ben Solo and it is more than she is comfortable with. 

This sudden realization unsettles her and not for the first time, she wishes that she isn’t Rey and that he isn’t Ben or Kylo and that they’re not in a war that has been repeated for more than a century and that they’re just regular people with no hard choices to make and with no one counting on them and that they can just _be._

She wishes that she didn’t have to rely on the Force bond to interact with him. She wants to wake in the mornings with him by her side and have cups of caf together before having breakfast. She wants to spend the day with him and go to bed with him by her side. She wishes that they could visit the planets he has talked about, eat the local food, and be immersed with the culture and all this with him at her side. She wishes that they were _normal._ She wishes that they could just be together with no objections or reasons as to why not. 

But they can’t and it is a hard pill for her to swallow.

Maybe that is why she calls him Kylo instead of Ben. 

If she calls him Kylo, maybe she’ll be able to distance herself from him. If she sees him as Kylo Ren and not Ben, maybe, _just maybe,_ she wouldn’t have fond thoughts about him and that will help cease her want and need for him. She shouldn’t _want_ the Supreme Leader but that very reasoning she gives doesn’t help one bit due to one startling flaw.

Ben Solo and Kylo Ren are the _same_ person. 

The man that he is now is a combination of both his personas. No matter how much he wants to say that Ben Solo is dead and is replaced by Kylo Ren, she doesn’t believe it. Nor does she even see it. The same conflict that breathes in her exists in him since the night at Ahch-To when they’ve first made contact.

Ben and Kylo are just names to her. 

Whoever he is now, she wants him. All of him. 

After all, names do not define a person and the Ben Solo from his past isn’t the same Ben Solo that he is today. All his actions and behaviours and their consequences have made him into the man that he is and she still wants him. 

She doesn’t just want Ben Solo, she wants Kylo too. 

She just wants him, despite everything that he has done.

But she shouldn’t. 

If Rey analyses herself further, she’ll find that the true reason she’d called him by his chosen name instead of his given one and is because she wants to hurt him. 

She wants to hurt him for the grief that she is undergoing because things between them are falling apart and the internal struggle that is splitting her into two. 

He knows that she calls him Ben because she thinks of him as a man and nothing more. To her, he is just someone that understands the abandonment issues that she has, the crippling loneliness and the need to prove herself. 

To the rest of the galaxy, he is one of the most hated individuals and that they simply view him as an irredeemable and heartless monster. 

But to her, he wasn’t a monster. 

He was just Ben – Ben with the too big ears and the wounded lonely soul. 

And she knows that he knows all of this. 

Calling him Kylo was a sign meant for him to show that she agrees with the views the rest of the galaxy holds towards him. That she _does_ think that he is exactly like Snoke and all the pre-existing members of the Sith. That he isn’t capable of anything else but destruction and death.

She doesn’t, not one bit. 

But he doesn’t know that.

Rey stares unseeingly at the ground and she hiccups. She knows what she has to do and finally, she recognizes the true cause of her grief. 

It is heartbreak. 

* * * * *

The emotional turmoil that she is feeling is almost unbearable and she does the only thing she does best when undergoing something such as this. 

She trains. 

Rey daren’t use the Force now. 

It is terribly unpredictable and she can’t seem to control it. 

Earlier, when she had tried to summon her old staff from a far corner of the room, it swings pass her and crashes violently into the wall. 

If she was a Jedi, she would’ve sat down and meditated. But she is Rey, so she trains. 

She lifts the right side of the staff up and twists her form almost ruthlessly so that the left side of the staff would jut up unexpectedly. 

Rey doesn’t use the saberstaff. She doesn’t think she can handle using it when they had made it together.

She is nimble and quick on her toes and she ducks her body and lets the staff fly outwards before righting her position. 

Sweat is clinging to the back of her neck and back and there are rivulets of it on her forehead and the sides of her temple, but she doesn’t stop. If she does, thoughts about him and the predicament that they are in will enter her mind once more and she needs a distraction. If she stops for just a minute, Rey swears on her life that she can sense him trying to break her walls down and that is something that she can’t allow to happen. 

She’s not particularly ready for that confrontation yet. Nor does she want to have it anytime soon.

After perhaps an hour, her muscles are burning and her limbs are begging for her to stop but she doesn’t. 

She can’t. 

She can’t allow to give herself a break, not even a tiny one, especially when the dams she has built are perilously close to breaking.

Rey ignores her body’s protests and does more forms and she is so lost in her movements that she doesn’t recognize or knows the forms that she takes and uses, nor does she knows when she begins to use the staff as a lengthier lightsaber. It is difficult but it serves as a challenge for her to adapt the way she holds the staff as a lightsaber. After all, it is good to know more than one fighting style.

Plus, any challenges are so _very_ welcome at this point of time.

For her, all she can do is train and move with the staff as though they are one. 

She doesn’t stop until the staff flies out of her hands and crashes against the metallic planes of the room, which causes a loud resounding clatter that seems to break her out of the trance that she is in. Rey pants and drops to the ground and every muscle that she has in her body is practically screaming with relief and she has no idea that she’s been pushing herself this hard until her bones start to creak. 

“You know, you’re pretty good.” 

On instinct, she unhooks the saberstaff hanging on her belt, thumb flicking on the activator point and she swings defensively towards the source of the words.

Violet light radiates from the staff and she blinks furiously through it as she tries to focus and she is met with the sight of General Organa watching her with mild curiosity etched on her face. 

Mortified at literally holding a weapon at the head of the Resistance, she jerks and quickly turns the saberstaff off and swallows hard. 

“General Organa. I-I didn’t hear you come in.” 

Rey feels slightly ashamed of how she probably looks as compared to the dark robes that Leia is dressed in. Beside her, she feels unkempt and like the scavenger that she is accused of being. 

“Purple,” Leia remarks in surprise and Rey ducks her head down, shame and guilt pouring into her very being and she wishes that she had the Light side more than the Dark and that she was _good_ and not wont to thread between the two paths like the colour purple says.

“I-“ 

“I have to admit that that colour is way nicer than Luke’s,” Leia interjects. 

Rey blinks and her mouth gapes at the General who was watching her with a knowing twinkle in her eye. “But blue and green are the colour of the Jedi,” Rey murmurs and presses her lips into a thin line.

Leia rolls her eyes good-naturedly and shrugs. “Whoever wrote that rule? Besides, all the Jedi are gone.”

She has nothing to say about that. She doesn’t even know what to say. 

“Anyway, I’m so sorry for interrupting you, but I couldn’t help but watch as you trained. It’s been so long since I’ve seen anyone use a lightsaber. Or a saberstaff.”

“No, it’s alright. I don’t mind.” 

“Your forms are really good. Especially for someone who hasn’t much training and experience,” Leia comments lightly as she steps into the room gracefully and Rey nods her head jerkily as a prickle of unease forms at the base of her spine.

She feels both uncomfortable and unsettled at the direction of this conversation.

“Thank you,” Rey says quietly and shifts her weight to her other foot, hands fiddling with the saberstaff in her hand.

“I don’t think that some of the forms you just did are entirely Luke-approved,” Leia adds and tilts her head and Rey sees a razor sharp clarity in those brown eyes that mirrors _his_ so much that she tenses. 

She knows exactly what Leia means. Luke-approved was basically the same meaning as Light approved.

“I beg your pardon, General Organa?” 

Her heart is racing and Rey is really expecting for the older woman to accuse her of being a Dark sider for the forms she’d executed and the colour of the saberstaff and to exile her from the Resistance that her knees feel like they’re going to buckle any time soon.

Hence, it surprises her when she gives her a warm smile instead.

“Call me, Leia,” the older woman orders firmly but gently and Rey lowers her eyes and nods. “Of course, Leia.” 

The name of someone this respected and revered is odd on her tongue. She feels almost guilty for it.

“I recognize some of those forms but I’ve never seen Luke or any Jedi use them.” 

Much to her embarrassment, she can actually feel a flush creep onto her face because Rey knows exactly where she had learnt those forms from – on Starkiller base and on Snoke’s ship or whenever she has the chance to watch Ben train with the other Knights of Ren. 

Leia’s eyes twinkle a little and she shoots Rey a knowing look before leaving.

* * * * *

It is in the privacy of her rooms later that night that she decides that she’s ready for the burgeoning confrontation. 

Rey is seated on the ground and she’s taking deep breaths in efforts to be calm and she is absolutely determined to keep a steady and clear mind for the coming disagreement. She is still dressed in her day clothes (she’d visited the ‘fresher after training) but only the top section of her hair was in a bun while the rest falls neatly down to her shoulders and she relishes in the feel of the ends of it against her skin. 

And when she is satisfied on how calm she feels, she lets the walls down. 

Immediately, he surges in her mind and he appears before her and she doesn’t realize how much his absence has impacted her until a breath of relief escapes her lungs. 

What catches her attention is the expression on his face – or more importantly, the lack of it. 

This is the first time, Rey realizes, that he has shown utterly no emotion on his face while they are together. Her heart aches slightly at the thought and she knows that she has hurt him. Not just with her words, but with her action of closing the bond between them. 

“Ben,” she says softly and her heart is pounding furiously in her chest that she’s surprised that it hasn’t popped out of her ribcage yet. 

He doesn’t react but simply watches her coolly from where he is standing and she hates it. 

Rey also notices that his defensive posture is up – his stance is slightly widened and he holds himself in a manner that is prepared to retaliate if so needed. She hates that she has causes such a reaction from it. 

“Ben.” 

_What do you want?_

“I-“ she cuts herself off because she doesn’t really know the answer to that question. Rey licks her lower lip and stares up at him. “I shouldn’t have left the conversation in that manner earlier.” 

_I thought it was appropriate,_ he says, eyes staring right into hers as he regards her impassively.

All right, she inwardly winces, that hurt. 

She inhales shakily and meets those brown eyes that had once been so full of life and emotion but were now simply dead. She might have been staring at him as though he was wearing that stupid metal mask of his. “I just wanted to explain.” 

Hearing nothing, she trudges on. “We can’t – we shouldn’t continue whatever we’re doing. It’s not right. We’re too different,” she pauses and swallows hard. “We’re in the midst of war and we’re on different sides! You’re the Supreme Leader of the First Order for Kriff’s sake! You’re almost practically a Sith! You kill! You leave death and destruction wherever you go and I’m not-“ she stops because the damn tear ducts in her eyes are malfunctioning again and why won’t they stop producing tears?

Rey squeezes her eyes shut. “And I’m not like you,” she finishes softly.

When she still doesn’t receive a single response, she opens her eyes and her heart races when she sees that there are suddenly flickers of emotions on his beautifully scarred face. 

It didn’t matter that it was rage and that it was all directed at her. Anything was better than the nonchalance from earlier. It meant that he cared enough to be affected. 

His brown eyes spark with fury and his jaw clenches so hard that she can see the muscles in his cheek tick and a sick part of her likes that she can provoke such emotion from him.

 _Rey,_ her name sounds like a curse from his lips. _If you do have regrets, I’ll rather you not use others as excuses._

“What?” she blinks up at him and furrows her brows.

 _If you don’t want to continue our dalliances,_ Ben sneers, _say it because you don’t want it. Not because of other Kriffing reasons that doesn’t concern us. This is between you and I. Do not bring up the First Order or your precious Resistance and use them as pathetic excuses._

She gapes up at him and she is ridiculously speechless.

 _Also,_ he continues darkly, _you knew what I was since day one. You knew what I was capable of – what I’ve done and what I will do and yet-_ Ben pauses as a glint of something smug appears in his brown eyes, _you still wanted me anyway._

All Rey can do is to avoid his eyes and stare at the ground as her fingers begin to fidget with the hem of her tunic. 

_And really, why is it only when your friends are injured is that you’re this outraged and angered? You weren’t being this sanctimonious when I had my mouth pressed against your cunt._

Her cheeks fill with heat and she knows that if she looks into a mirror, she’ll see that they will be a startling red. Instantaneously, her head snaps up to his and she glowers angrily at him. 

Fuck her initial idea of trying to stay level headed and calm. She’s bloody _incensed._

“Shut up!” She snaps and jumps to her feet before taking steps to his form. “You won’t understand and you never will!” 

Unfortunately, Rey knows that part of the anger that consumes her is aimed at her for the way she hungers – _craves_ for him. It didn’t matter how many times she has told herself that what they have is just a dream that she’s been having and that there are so many reasons why it – they – can’t work, her body still wants him

And right now, her nether regions are throbbing for him. For anything that he can give, be it his mouth or fingers, she wants him – any part of him. Shame and desire fills her but she forces it aside. 

“My friends are risking their lives because of the First Order while I’m here _canoodling_ with you!” she snarls and not for the first time, she realizes how tall he is. 

_Is that what you’ll call it? Canoodling?_ Ben sounds terribly enraged and she almost shrinks back from how much he’s looming over her now. But she’s Rey and she isn’t scared of him and she’s never been one to back down from a fight. 

Before she can speak, he cuts in and he’s so infuriated that she can see him trembling from it. 

_Don’t you dare!_ He practically roars. _Don’t you dare project your guilt at me! You know me. Don’t cheapen what we did. Unless you think I’m that foolish weak boy for you to save to make yourself better about letting me fuck around with you!_

Her lips quiver and she tightens them before the gasp she can make escapes. Without any hesitation whatsoever, her right hand flies across his face and the resounding smack that echoes in the room isn’t as satisfactory like she hopes. 

Her hand tingles from the slap she gives him and her bottom lip trembles. “How dare you.” 

_How dare I?_ Ben laughs, no, it wasn’t really a laugh, she decides. It was more of a bitter resentful snort. 

She hates it. 

“You must think I’m a bloody Kriffing idiot!” she snaps and hisses. “ Of course you’re not that boy! That boy is gone! You can’t be the same person you were ten years ago!” She blinks back infuriated tears and shakes her head as she stares up at him through glassy eyes.

“No,” she retorts. “The person that I want is right _here!”_ Rey jabs roughly at his chest with her index finger, directly above his heart. “He’s the one that killed his mentor for me, the one that understands me. That’s the man that I want.” 

Ben is silent and she blinks rapidly, determined to not let the tears fall out of her eyes. If they do, she’ll turn to a sobbing mess and she really is not particularly fond of that thought.

_Want?_

She snorts but it was more of a mix of disbelieving laughter and anguish. It was typical of him to narrow on just that word.

“It doesn’t matter what I want,” she murmurs softly and steps back from him. “It won’t work. We’re different – too different.”

She doesn’t realize that Ben has been taking steps forward while she has been taking steps backwards until one of his gloved fingers tilts her head up from under her chin and her breath is taken away from how intense the look on his face is.

 _You’re wrong,_ he says solemnly, _we are the same. You feel the same things that I do._ He stares at her through half-lidded eyes and she can feel her heart pounding dangerously and her hands start to grow clammy. 

_You feel alone. Even though you’re in a room full of people including your friends, you still feel that. And you hate that you feel it. Because of that, you crave the need to belong – to be needed. I know how you feel. I know **exactly** how you feel._

Ben ghosts a hand along her cheek and all she does is stare at him as each word of his hits the mark dead center in her heart. It takes everything in her not to press her face towards his leather-gloved hands.

 _I know how others see you. As if you’re something that has to be monitored on a regular basis,_ he utters lowly in her ear. _They’re afraid of you, of the Force that you have and no matter how hard you try to fit in, you never will because of that. And you know very well that I’ve felt all of that too._

Rey refuses to look up at him any longer. She doesn’t want to see what she feels reflected in his eyes. She feels terrible, uncomfortable, even in her own skin. 

Exposed is the word that comes to mind and it is perfect in describing what she feels.

She feels exposed from how his words had stripped her bare. Her insecurities, worries, anxieties – all of them is out for the world to see and she hates how vulnerable she is. How weak she is. 

Ben must surely know about the conflict and the emotional wreckage he’s leaving in her right now but he continues and a part of her wants him to stop while another masochistic part wants him to continue. She is torn.

 _I’ve felt everything you feel, and I understand it and you feel the same way too. We are the same, no matter how much you try to deny it. You’re not alone._ His eyes bore into hers and she feels a shiver go down her spine. _Not when I’m here._

Rey doesn’t even know she’s crying until his thumb swipes the tear that rolls down her cheek and she hates how vulnerable he makes her feel. She isn’t weak damnit! She’s survived Jakku when she had no one! She’d survived her encounters with the First Order! She’s anything but _weak!_

“I hate you.” Her lips quiver uncontrollably and she swallows through the knot that is in her throat. “I hate you.” 

More tears roll down her cheeks and she feels so damn pathetic for crying for feeling this way, but she can’t help it. 

_No, you don’t._ Ben tilts his head assuredly as he regards her seriously. _You feel anything but hate for me._

“Get out of my head.” 

He ignores her and closes in on her. It is then she realizes that her back is against the wall and his large form is surrounding her. Instead of feeling terrorized or claustrophobic, she feels safe, comforted.

 _You feel relieved that we’re the same, you and I,_ he begins lightly as a gloved hand rubs her bottom lip tenderly. 

Slowly, he takes another step forward and that is when Rey realizes that their bodies are pressed close and that she can feel the hard length of him jutting against her belly. At that observation, her mouth goes dry and a thrill fires down her spine that leaves her wet and aching for him. 

Ben pauses and he leans forward, his eyes are dark and his other hand slides up her waist, leaving a trail of burning heat on her skin in its wake. _You feel glad that you see conflict in me that prove that you’re right and I’m not that twisted monster everyone thinks I am._

The hand on her mouth cups her cheek and she marvels that his hand is so large that it almost covers the entire side of her face. 

He nudges her legs apart with a powerful muscled thigh and to her slight annoyance; her body does absolutely nothing to refuse him. In fact, she’s pretty sure her legs would part for him anytime. Heat flushes through her when her cunt rests on his thigh and she resists the urge to rub herself against him just by squeezing her hands into tight fists. 

His fingers begin threading through her hair and she shudders as his fingernails scrap against her scalp and the sensitive areas behind her ear. 

_You feel comforted when I’m with you._ Ben continues as the other hand that has been on her waist moves to her hip and clutches it hard. Rey highly suspects that there will be large finger-shaped bruises there in the morning and she finds that she doesn’t mind. 

_No, you feel anything but hatred for me. You want me,_ he observes.

“Stop it,” she mutters even though her hand is aching to touch him, to wrap her fingers around his shaft and to wring an earth-shattering orgasm from him. 

It is a pathetic weak protest to all that he has said and she knows it.

A sardonic smirk grace his lips and she swallows hard at the sight of it. 

She’s fucked. 

Ben’s head leans towards hers and their lips are mere spaces apart that she can see the fully blown pupils in his eyes that declare the desire and arousal he feels for her. She can also see a slight dusting of freckles on the bridge of his aristocratic nose and his very full lips part. 

Her insides squirm and she feels hot and achy as if her bones are too tight and she feels feverish and again, Ben starts talking as he pushes a lock of her hair behind her ear. _Stop fighting me, you want me and I can sense it-_

“Oh, shut up,” she interrupts irritatedly and yanks forcefully at the black collars of his tunic towards her. With that, their lips meet in a clash of tongue and teeth. 

Both of them let out simultaneous groans when they are finally in contact. 

It is a fight for dominance, Rey notes distractedly as she grips a fistful of the black garment he wears.

The Force that is terribly volatile in Rey calms almost instantly and she sighs in relief and pleasure as Ben begins to palm her breasts through her tunic roughly and she likes this – this delicious friction of the tunic against her hard tight nipples that are accompanied with the heat of his hands and the way he tweaks them with his fingers.

Eagerly, she thrusts her sopping cunt against the hard ridge of his thigh and it is almost _perfect_ \- the sensation the action evokes and she wants more of it. Helplessly, she moves her hips and pants against his mouth and the kisses he gives her. 

Rey hisses through her teeth when Ben bites her lower lip harshly and she shoots him an accusative glare through lust induced eyes. 

_You said you wouldn’t close the bond,_ he sneers and begins rubbing his erection against her belly and Rey almost whimpers at the loss of his thigh between her legs. 

“Ben!” She reaches for his face, to run her fingers through his hair and only to have them pinned against the wall with the Force. “Knock it off, you arse!” She snaps and begins kicking her feet at his ankles. 

But with Ben being well, _Ben,_ he doesn’t but simply surges against her, his cloth covered cock hard and ready and abruptly, she is being spun and the next thing she sees is the wall and he is behind her, pressing against her and Rey wonders if he is going to take her like this. 

Her legs quiver in anticipation and she tilts her head back when he rests his chin on her left shoulder and her knees almost buckle at the feel of his mouth sucking on the racing pulse at the side of her neck. 

“Ben, please,” she groans and shuts her eyes as he threads a hand through her hair and closes it into a fist and prickles of pain and pleasure causes her spine to arch. 

_Please what?_ The tone he uses is unbearably smug and she scowls. “Stop being a Kriffing tease!” 

He laughs darkly and that is when she realizes that he is still furious that about the words that she has spat and her action of shutting him out. 

_You want me and you like it, you can’t deny that._ He growls and tugs her pants and underwear down roughly and she moans from the feel of his hands on her bare arse. _Say it._

Rey presses her lips together and she gasps at the feel of a thick finger ghosting at her opening and she gives up as it enters her in one quick movement. “I want you, Ben. Only you. Please.” 

She thinks that she would agree to anything that he demands as long as he enters her and gives her cunt a proper fucking like it wants. She is so wet that she should be embarrassed by it but she isn’t. 

_You don’t want that filthy pilot or traitor, do you?_ He continues as his fingers began rubbing at her clit roughly and she spreads her legs further while his other hand begins to palm her breasts once more and she is so close but the mention of her friends break her out of her pleasure hazed thoughts and she stops. 

“Are you jealous?” she asks incredulously as she turns her head over her shoulders as much as she can to meet his eyes. 

The dark look in them coupled with the tenseness in his jaw gives her the answer that she needs. “You are,” she breathes out, eyes widening in surprise and he narrows his eyes. “Why?” 

Ben doesn’t answer but instead he yanks her to him and she is pressed flush against him and her arse cushions his cock and his mouth is leaving bites and kisses on her neck but all she can think about is this startling new revelation. 

The idea that Ben Solo is jealous of her friends over her lights something warm in her and she too feels a tendril of possessiveness over him. She has left a permanent scar on his face but somehow, she wants to do more. 

Basing everything on instinct, Rey uses the Force to break his hold off her and it is now her turn to pin him against the wall with the Force and she stares at him with a slow smile that forms on her face. Lust and shock fill his and she notes that he isn’t really straining to break free from her grasp. 

“I want you, yes. But you have to admit that you want me as much as I want you,” she murmurs in his ear as her hands cup the bulge straining in his trousers and she watches in satisfaction as the Adam’s apple in his throat bobs. 

Her hands shove his trousers down and her eyes fall to his shaft that springs towards her eagerly and she smirks, hazel eyes lighting with mischief. “You crave me. You don’t like that you do, but you can’t help but want me.” 

Ben groans and swears under his breath and he inhales sharply as she takes his erection into her hands and her thumb swipes at the bead of precum on the tip and she begins fisting him in slow, long torturous strokes that has him panting and shaking. 

She lowers her knees to the ground and is about to suck on his length when he breaks through the Force and yanks her up. 

_Enough with the games,_ he orders hoarsely and her tunic is being ripped off her and his cock slides between her thighs, nestling in between her slick folds and she shudders from how good this feels especially with the cool contrast of the sheets of her bed on her back.

“More, Ben!” She demands and she too wrenches his clothes off including those stupid gloves that he wears and soon, they are naked. _Bare._

Skin to skin, her hand snakes down to her cunt and she groans from how wet she is down there that the small patch of neatly trimmed hair is almost soaked and how he slides his cock against her almost causes stars to burst in her eyes. She grips his shaft in her hand and slowly guides him to her and she knows that she is so damn fucking close to truly having him that she almost comes from that. 

However, his hand grabs hers tightly, halting her movements and Rey almost screams from the sheer frustration that is building in her. She’s desperate for relief but only if it comes from him, so what the fuck was the bloody Kriffing man doing?

_No._

“No?” She barks and glares at him and she has the strongest urge to punch him in his stupid face. “What do you mean _no?”_

Rey would literally kill him if he actually stops. 

_Not like this,_ he mutters and she stares up at him. “What?” 

_I don’t want the first time we fuck being through the bond._

Rey blinks and she swears that she can see the tips of his ears burn red. 

“Oh, okay.” 

With that, she moves slowly, hips undulating and Ben grunts as he gives weak thrusts against her body, the length of his cock delving easily between the moist heat of her and she knows through the bond that this must feel as good for him as it does for her.

Even though it is a pale imitation of the actual act.

Through it all, she keeps her eyes on his and so does he and the whole thing feels incredibly intimate for two people who had been fighting the whole day but she doesn’t think about that now. As she feels her peak coming, Ben begins to move quicker and harder and Rey can feel her brain going to that hazy pleasured filled area in her mind and all she can think of is reaching that familiar wave that pulls her under and lets her float amongst the stars. 

“More, faster,” she pants and urges him on, heels digging into his back and she jerks at his hair, trying to convey how close she is and how much she wants him to crash into that place with her. “Ben!” 

As his moves become more frantic and urgent, he slides a hand to her clit and rubs the bundle of nerves furiously and she doesn’t know why she’d wanted to stop this from happening again but she must be a Kriffing fool to think that she can live without this – without Ben doing this to her. 

With that thought, she falls. 

Rey is dimly aware of Ben jerking as he spurts his spend all over her belly but she doesn’t care. She’s too boneless from the intense pleasure that washes over her like the violent waves at Ahch-To. What she is also aware of is that he slumps on the bed beside her, chest heaving and mouth panting from the exertion the act of what they did requires. 

She is content to lie there, basking in the afterglow with one arm wrapped loosely around her waist but a thought occurs to her and she frowns and peers at him. “You’ve never done that before, have you?” 

Ben shakes his head. 

And she exhales in what seems like relief. “Me neither. But how do you seem to know what you’re doing?” She narrows her eyes at him and shifts closer to his body. “Exactly how many dirty holovids have you been watching?” 

Ben glowers but his face turns bright red

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really not sure about this chapter. In fact, I'm pretty unsure of how it turned out and if it really conveys the conflict that lies in Rey. Again, I'll always be unapologetic for smut. Anyway, I do hope that you guys enjoy it and do let me know what you guys think! 
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> Kudos and comments really make my day! I'm on [tumblr](http://resplendxntly.tumblr.com) too!
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> Please let me know if the characterization is alright! I'm always worried that the space babies will be OOC!


	5. One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which they are finally one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is literally the moment all of you have been waiting for and I hope it is all you dearies are expecting. Hence, the reason why it took 5 days to write.

Chapter 5 | One

“We’re actually leaving right away?” 

“Yes!” Leia nods enthusiastically as she throws orders at one of the pilots walking past them and continues. “I want you there. Besides, they want to see the last Jedi and you’ve never been there before. You could call this whole thing a diplomatic _and_ a leisurely trip.” 

Rey swallows at that term. She isn’t a Jedi. She doesn’t think she’ll ever be one.

“But what about the recon missions? Or the repairs on the ships?” 

Leia raises an eyebrow quizzically. “They can be done by others and Poe is quite capable. He is now a General too, Rey. Unless, you don’t want to come to Naboo?” 

Rey blinks and again, the image of a particular holobook about Naboo in a sleek grey metallic shelf flashes in her mind. “No, I’ll love to go,” she says hastily but wrings her hands together. “But I’m not exactly a Jedi.” 

Rey finds that it no longer hurts to admit that fact to anyone. It would have stung in the past. But now, it doesn’t and she doesn’t linger too long on that realization.

“Even so, this is a great opportunity for the Resistance and you’ll love the food there,” Leia coaxes with a smile on her face as she leads them into a hallway. 

Again, another memory of Ben telling her about the food in the birth planet of his grandmother surfaces in her mind and Rey finds herself agreeing. “All right, I’ll just grab my things quickly and we can go off.” 

Leia beams brightly and clasps her hands in hers. “Don’t worry about us. We’ll have fun. Chewie and five others will be coming along too. And the Resistance is in good hands. We’ve grown tremendously over these few months.” 

Rey stares distractedly at the bustling hallways and droids that move about while Leia continues barking orders. 

The Resistance has indeed grown in a few short weeks. With more support and funding, they currently owned a small fleet of X-Wings, two cruisers and three hundred more members to their growing rebellion and each day, more and more volunteers have pledged their lives to eradicate the First Order. 

Poe had been right; the spark has indeed become a burning forge.

Soon enough, she was back in her quarters and she throws two sets of her clothes and a few spare hair ties into a small brown bag and she’s done. Rey never had much to begin with but she’s content with her lot in life. Things had happened for a reason and somehow, Rey believes that it is the Force that has guided her to this very path right here in the Resistance. 

Slowly, her eyes flick to the saberstaff on her left where it rests against the wall and silently, she debates on bringing it along with her to Naboo. It was a diplomatic mission, Leia had said and there shouldn’t really be a need for it. However, Rey feels like a part of her is missing if it isn’t near her. 

Giving in, she clips it to the belt around her waist and sighs steadily before glancing into the mirror hanging on her right. 

Plain brown eyes meet hers and she studies her reflection carefully. She still looks the same, but no longer does she have her hair in the three signature buns from the past. 

She’d stop doing her hair in that particular style just this morning when she suddenly recalls the familiar dream of being abandoned on Jakku when she’d been a child while in the ‘fresher. It was the same one that she has over the years, but she hasn’t had them ever since she’d joined the Resistance. Until now. 

The memory was fresh and it hurt like a raw wound but she was determined to forget about it and to let the past die and to let go. 

Her mouth had twisted into a sardonic smile at that particular phrase before she ties her hair into a semi-ponytail. Instead of the three buns, the top half of hair is tied up while the rest drapes to her shoulders and she likes it. It was a sign that she’d changed but other than that, she was still Rey from Jakku.

And yet, there is also something in her eyes that had changed. 

Rey further scrutinizes herself in the mirror and frowns. She can’t quite figure out what has changed but there was a particular look in her hazel eyes that was harder, more mature, less naïve. And Rey knows that to be true. 

Things had changed drastically, her circumstances had changed and it was all because of Ben Solo. 

Now, she wonders if it was possible to be a Force user and have a lightsaber of sorts and still not be a Jedi. Was it possible to be both good and bad? To have both the Dark and Light whispering things in her ear or to have that much power within her but not doing much of anything to help anyone? 

It wasn’t just Ben who have turned things from black and white to different shades of grey. It was Luke too. Luke who had the instinct to kill his own nephew just because of the darkness he’d seen in Ben, Luke who had practically abandoned the Resistance and stayed on an abandoned island because of the guilt that suffocates him. 

Sometimes, Rey thinks that if she were in Leia’s shoes, she would never have forgiven Luke for abandoning them when they needed him. 

_I’ve told you that Skywalker is useless. You didn’t listen to me._

Rey snorts and she darts her eyes upwards into the mirror and through it, she sees him standing behind her. “He’s still your uncle,” she reminds in a matter of fact tone before turning to face him. 

The sullen look on his face reminds her of an adolescent boy being told off by his parents and on him, she can’t help but find it terribly endearing. It was indeed a sharp contrast to the glares, glowers, and sneers that was wont to be on his face.

Feeling his eyes on hers, she realizes that his gaze is intense and they are all focused on her. “What are you looking at? What’s wrong?” 

It was tough of her not to be self-conscious with the way he’s staring at her and as a result, Rey fidgets awkwardly as he takes slow steps to her, his gaze never once faltering from hers as he did. “What are you looking at?” She glances away, trying to ignore him but is unable to do so when he is just right in front of her. 

_Your hair._

She blinks. “My hair?” 

Ben doesn’t reply verbally but raises a gloved hand to trail his fingers down her hair before fingering the ends that rests slightly below her shoulders. 

_You’ve changed it_ , he utters, eyes almost unreadable but she notes how his angular features soften just a tad bit as he speaks. 

Somehow, she can’t help but finds that his eyes resemble that of the large brown ones belonging to the porgs on Ahch-To. “Yes.” 

_I actually resent that comparison,_ his eyes narrow and she grins brightly at him before looping her arms around his neck, drawing him closer to her, which was quite a hard feat with the way he was always looming over her. 

“You would say that,” she muses before tilting her head as she regards him. “So? What about my hair?” 

_Its,_ he pauses and twin pink spots appear on his cheeks. _It's nice,_ he finishes awkwardly, eyes darting away from hers for just a brief moment. 

A small part of her puffs up in feminine pride. Rey doesn’t like to think that she is vain or anything like that but to hear an actual compliment on her looks that is especially coming from him, it feels fantastic. It made her confidence grow by an alarming amount and she beams at him. 

Carefully, a gloved hand settles on the small of her back and even though there are multiple thick layers between his hand and her back, Rey can feel the heat emanating from him. This action of his feels like he can sense the issues that are troubling her (even though she has kept them away from him) and he is trying to provide her with some semblance of comfort and she draws from it. 

The steady beat of his heart in his chest soothes her and she closes her eyes, leaning her head against his torso, all thoughts about them ending flees her mind for this brief moment but it is ruined when his other hand brushes against her waist and the back of his hand bumps into the saberstaff she has clipped on her belt.

_Why are you carrying the saberstaff?_

Ben and Leia are the only ones who know that she has a saberstaff and about the brilliant violet hue that it has taken. Rey hadn’t told her friends about it. She doesn’t want to see the looks on their faces when they notice the purple. Naturally, they’d expect blue or green, seeing as they are the colours that represent the Jedi and they are counting on her to be one. Thus, her decision to keep everyone ignorant about it.

But it is only Ben who knows her aversion to using it. Hence, she hardly carries it around even though it is a weapon she adores and is proud of and would love to use anytime that she can. 

_Where are you going?_ Ben questions curiously as he pulls away from her and she observes him staring at the small leather bag on her bed before his eyes flick towards hers in question. 

“Naboo,” she says quietly.

 _When?_

“Today.” 

A spark of interest flares in those eyes of his. “Leia and a few of us are heading there for diplomatic reasons.” 

Ben stays silent but she can see the tenseness on his face when Leia is mentioned and again, she is reminded once more about the borrowed time that they have. “She’s your mother,” Rey points out as she takes a step back with a frown. 

His eyes narrow dangerously. _I know. You don’t have to remind me and I would like to inform you that I made no attempts to kill her when I had the opportunity to do so._

Rey purses her lips. “You shouldn’t even have such a choice, Ben.” 

Unsurprisingly, he remains silent and she presses her lips into a thin line. “I trust that you won’t blow the planet up while we’re there.” 

He clenches his jaw and a muscle under his left eye began to twitch and she regrets her words because, from the way he is tensing, she can see that she’d offended him. 

Slowly, Rey forces herself to relax. She knows she has been on edge as of late. All right, to be fair, things have been tense ever since they had that fight a week ago. Things were far from settled between them but she couldn’t bear to bring the very subject of their fight up. 

They never brought up what has been said or the things that they did but each night, she lay in his bed or he did in hers. Rey would assume the usual position she takes – head tucked under his chin, hands resting on his torso while their legs are tangled with each other. 

She knows what is going to happen is inevitable. Their end is inevitable.

It wouldn’t work. Things couldn’t. They were on a path that was bound to fail and they were going to crash and burn amidst the flames. 

It couldn’t be avoided with the both of them being unwilling to compromise on their current positions. But even though Ben turns from the Dark, he would be subjected to trials and punishments that could highly end up with his death. And if she turns, she would be forced to watch the people she loves – the people she thinks of as family, suffer. 

And not for the first time, she wishes that they were anyone but who they are. 

Both of them are between a rock and a hard place – an impasse. 

Rey watches as Ben turns away from her and a sinking feeling engulfs her and she decides that she’ll take as much of him as she can. She’ll take whatever he can offer even though they are stolen moments with the help of the Force bond between them. 

“I’m sorry,” she says softly as she hugs him from the back, her hands encircling his torso as she presses her cheek against his back, willing silently for him not to be mad. “I’m sorry.” 

She can’t quite figure out if she’s apologizing for the barb or the fact that things between them would ultimately end in bloodshed and tears. 

* * * * *

“Is that all you have?” Leia peers at the small bag in her hands and Rey nods unsurely. “Yes.”

The general beams and glides off to the control centre in the Millennium Falcon where Chewie was and Rey stares at the ship with pinched lips and a frown.

Without thinking, she enters one of the small quarters, claiming it as hers and dumps her bag on the bunk bed before heading upwards to join Leia and the Wookie. She was the co-pilot after all. The rest of the entourage is off doing whatever they are supposed to and well, Rey feels a little awkward. She doesn’t know them; neither did she make any efforts to. 

Instead, she sits beside Chewie and presses the appropriate functions as the ship goes into lightspeed. Behind them, Leia sits comfortably, deep in thought as she gazes out of the windows. 

She knew the stories and what Leia Organa had achieved throughout her life till now and Rey admires the older woman immensely all for it. The woman had played a crucial part in taking down the Empire, headed the Resistance, been a skilful diplomat and a brilliant decision maker under pressure and as well as being tough as nails. 

Perhaps, Leia could provide her a perspective of sorts. 

As the Falcon settled into space, Chewie waves her off and somehow, she is grateful for his Wookie senses for being able to sense that she needed to do something. Quickly, she occupies the seat beside Leia and purses her lips. 

“Leia, may I ask you something?” She begins hesitantly and picks at the end of her tunic. 

“Of course, Rey, what is it?” Leia is leaning towards her earnestly and maybe, just maybe, she could sort out the conflict that had been stirring in her heart ever since Starkiller Base. 

“Why – Well, you have the Force,” she points out carefully before continuing slowly. “Why didn’t you become a Jedi like Luke?” 

The older woman blinks and she tilts her head. “I’ve always admired the Jedi but I didn’t really agree with their principles. Suppressing all that emotion? Being neutral?” Leia closes her eyes and began shaking her head. “I’ve seen terrible things and I doubt I would be able to handle my feelings or opinions about them. In fact, I lack the self-control to be a Jedi. I would’ve probably become a Sith or something like that in the long run, perhaps a vigilante of sorts. ” 

Rey blinks. This was definitely not what she has been expecting. “But how could you say that? You’ve helped everyone from everywhere with your efforts with the Resistance and all.”

A shadow passes over her counterpart’s face. “Yes, but I wasn’t there for the people who truly needed me – my own family.” 

Rey’s mouth work for a suitable response but she didn’t know what to say. What could she even say to that? 

Leia continues, eyes drifting away from hers to focus on nowhere in particular. “I wasn’t a good wife or a mother, I was too busy with politics or the Senate that I didn’t even know what was going on under my nose.” She sighs heavily. “Han needed me to assure him that I would always love and need him, but I didn’t do that. Instead, I paid less attention and pushed him away.” 

“Ben, on the other hand, needed his mother but I hardly gave him the time of the day. Han too didn’t know what to do with Ben and our son needed us, but we weren’t there for him. It had been my fault to send him to Luke. Ben probably saw it as abandonment when it really wasn’t and that’s when Snoke pounced.” 

Rey presses her lips into a thin line and remains silent. 

“I failed Ben, I failed Han and subsequently, I failed Luke.” Leia closes her eyes as a lone tear rolls down her wrinkled cheek. “What’s the point of everything I’ve done and achieved when I myself couldn’t even help the people I love?” 

She lets out a bitter laugh. “All that is left for me is a pile of bitter regrets and I wished so desperately that I had been more selfish to let the rest of the galaxy handle their own affairs while I protected my family.” 

“I’m sorry for bringing up such memories,” she offers quietly and Leia waved her apologies away. 

“It’s alright. I’ve accepted it.” She offers her a wane smile but Rey sees through it anyway. “Now, what else is bothering you? Is it being a Jedi?” 

How can she tell Leia about the emotional conflict that she feels towards her son? That despite all that he’d done, she still wanted him? That the Dark called to her so frequently that she’d hardly caught herself using Dark forms and focusing on ill intentions behind her actions?

“Yes,” Rey nods. “Something like that.” 

Leia smiles gently. “What about it?” 

Rey hesitates, wondering if she should even share something like this. It was easy for her to tell Ben. He knew all about it anyway and he understood. But would Leia? 

“The Force. The Dark side calls for me and it’s hard to differentiate it with the Light. That’s why the saberstaff is purple,” Rey finishes reluctantly and steals a quick glance at her counterpart who has a thoughtful expression on her face.

“The Force is just the Force. It just is. That’s what I’ve always believed,” Leia offers. “I don’t truly believe there’s a Dark and Light and even if there is, one can’t truly avoid the other. That was the problem with Luke; he was genuinely frightened at any sign of the Dark.” 

Rey furrows her brows. “So I have to embrace the Dark?” 

Leia chuckles lightly. “No, not truly. You need balance and for that to happen, you need both the Light and the Dark. What makes a person a Sith or a Jedi are their respective intentions. A Jedi can have good intentions while using the Dark.” 

Rey stares at the older woman and it feels like the conflict within her has calmed quite a fair bit. 

* * * * *

Naboo wasn’t anything like she thought it would be. Ben’s holobook hadn’t prepared her for the beautiful architecture that rose to the sky or the bustling city filled with laughter and prosperity. She was awestruck. 

To think that she would never have left Jakku had it not been for BB-8 and the friends she has made from the Resistance.

As she exits the Falcon with the slowly waning sun against her back, she gazes at the guards waiting with a figure dressed in really odd clothing – that she supposes is Queen Jamillia II – she feels the oddest feeling wash over her entire being. 

It was more of awareness of something that she can’t quite guess and put her finger to. It was like a prickling sensation that nags in the corner of her mind and whatever it is, it is bugging her. Warily, Rey eyes her surroundings carefully but she sees nothing out of the ordinary. For a brief moment, she suspects that it is Ben who is causing this but not once does he appear after that very minor disagreement in her quarters after Hux had interrupted soon after. 

Rey guesses that he is back to sulking wherever the First Order is based at. 

But as the Queen and the several members of her guard approaches, she pushes it aside and bows awkwardly. She’d never met with royalty before and Leia hardly counted considering the fact that the woman was more revered as General Organa than Princess Leia of the now destroyed Alderaan. 

Leia, ever the diplomat begins brief introductions and soon, they are shown to their rooms and Rey is slightly panicky when she realizes her room is a fair distance from Leia’s and any other members of the Resistance. But she remains silent and thanks the guard politely who’d showed her there. 

She was hardly given a minute of reprieve when a series of knocks sounded on her door and she is met with the sight of Leia holding onto a large garment bag. Dumbly, she lets her in and stares in confusion as a slinky gold dress with black detailing is pulled out. 

“What is _that?”_ Rey asks cautiously as she takes a step closer to the bed where Leia has laid the dress out. 

“Your dress for the welcome ball this evening.” Leia raises a brow. “You do know there is a ball?” 

“No,” she says before frowning. “I don’t own a dress like that and I certainly can’t afford it.” 

Leia glowers at her and frighteningly, it looks awfully similar to Ben’s and Rey quickly avoids it and turns her attention back to the bed. “Why is there a ball?” 

The older woman sighs and sits on the bed. “Queen Jamillia II wants to honour us for coming here plus there’s the startling fact that Padmé Amidala was my birth mother. She was one of the most revered queens here in Naboo and I was told she was the one who was responsible for the highly impossible task of uniting the Naboo and the Gungans to protect her people.” 

Rey has heard about the famous Queen of Naboo who had birthed the Skywalker twins with Anakin Skywalker, who was also infamously known as the Sith Lord Darth Vader. Other than that, she doesn’t know much about Padmé Amidala. 

“I didn’t know that.” 

“That was how she met Anakin Skywalker,” the General offers and a wistful smile crosses her face. “They were in love, my parents. Maybe too much. Anakin Skywalker fell to the Dark side in attempts to protect Padmé but things didn’t go to plan. They were on different sides in the end and Padmé died during childbirth.” 

Leia turns silent and Rey finds the story terribly tragic and bittersweet. 

But she can’t ignore the parallels between Padmé and Anakin and the situation that she and Ben were in. It was heart achingly familiar. Was this further proof that she and Ben were to meet a similar fate as to the ones his grandparents had fallen into? That no matter how much she wants and needs him that they are bound to fail? 

Rey doesn’t really think she can bear that even though a part of her has been drilling that fact into her mind repeatedly.

Leia shakes her head and stands, before rummaging further into the garment bag. Rey observes the older woman with a fond smile who was completely oblivious to the turmoil within her as she gestures to the dress. “You’ll wear that plus this-“ the General pulls out a black mask with gold detailing that matches the dress on the bed and Rey balks.

“Leia, I can’t. I-“ 

“No protests, get into the ‘fresher and then I’ll get you in this.” 

She hesitates and Leia glares. “Now.” 

Rey enters the ‘fresher.

It was much later that Rey barely recognizes the woman in the mirror. Never in her life had she ever been dressed like this. 

The slinky gold dress is tight on her torso and her hips before flaring out slightly at mid-thigh to pool at the bottom of her feet and Rey has a strong fear that she would fall and trip and make a fool of herself while attempting to walk in it. No, what was worse was the fact that the dress is sleeveless, baring her arms and it also had a scooped neckline. But what was _even_ worse is that the dress was backless, exposing her tanned skin for anyone to see.

She feels terribly exposed and undressed. 

Rey is highly uncomfortable with the amount of skin being shown and she wishes for the safety and familiar clothes that she wears. She didn’t even have her breast bindings on and she knows that her unease in being in such a garment like this shows clearly on her face. 

Or at least through the makeup that Leia has smeared on her. 

“Leia,” she calls out uncertainly as she stares into the mirror. Her eyes are lined with kohl, and her lips are painted red. 

“Hush,” the older woman admonishes gently as she begins looping braids all over her head. “You look beautiful.” 

Rey bites her lip and shift in the chair. “I don’t see why I have to dress this way. I could just wear whatever I’ve brought.” 

Leia ignores her before tucking a stray curl behind her ear. “Did you know Alderaan has the tradition of different kind of braids for people of different stations?” 

Her eyes flit up to meet Leia’s and the older woman smiles nostalgically. “If you can actually imagine, I’ve actually taught Ben how to do some of my hair when he was young. But that was all before I’ve sent him away to Luke’s.” 

A weathered hand runs down the back of her head gently and Rey glances up uncertainly at Leia who was smiling fondly. “But I’ve always wanted a daughter.” 

Rey just feels like crying.

* * * * *

She is amazed at the cheers that greet them or more specifically Leia when they are announced to the crowd. She even spots some of the older citizens with tears in their eyes as they gaze at Leia and Rey wonders how Padmé Amidala has managed to inspire such devotion from her people from beyond the grave.

As they enter the elaborate ballroom filled with marble columns and groups of well-dressed members of the Naboo and the occasional Gungan, Rey can feel eyes on her and she is incredibly unnerved by it. The stupid but beautiful dress that she wears doesn’t even allow her to bring the saberstaff with her and on unfamiliar ground, she is wary and her fingers itch for the familiar weight of it. 

Taking a step down the stairs, Rey feels the same nagging prickling sensation in her mind once more and quickly, her eyes dart around the room through the mask that she wears for the source that is causing her to feel this way. 

What she’s looking for, she doesn’t know. 

All that Rey sees is the upper members of society in Naboo and the glittering decorations. For a moment, she debates on hiding away from the unfamiliar crowd in the shadowy corners of the room but she doesn’t want to disappoint or embarrass Leia, hence, she forces herself to paste a smile on her face.

However, the feeling reminds her that Ben is unusually quiet on his end, for he had not made any attempts to contact her ever since she left the Resistance base earlier and Rey doesn’t really know what to feel about that too.

Pushing her discomfort and the odd sensation behind, she takes more steps and it isn’t long before the Queen and other members of court engage them. Not for the first time, she is terribly envious of Chewie and the other members of the Resistance who were able to skip events like this.

“So you are the Jedi?” A snooty looking man asks as he peers down at her and she snaps herself out of her thoughts.

Rey has never expected this question to be thrown to her this quickly and directly and she glances at Leia for support. 

The general in return smiles encouragingly and she is reminded about the conversation they had in the Falcon. Straightening her stance, she tilts her chin downward and answers. “No, but I am a Force user.” 

The man draws back, clearly taken aback by her answer as do a few other men and women but no one does anything contradictory and Leia beams proudly. “Rey has trained under Luke for a short period of time and has been with the Resistance ever since.”

Queen Jamillia II doesn’t bat an eye but simply nods. “The Naboo will stand with the Resistance, General Organa. Never in our proud history have we shied away from a worthy cause.” 

This statement causes a long discussion about aid and funding as well as soldiers who would volunteer amongst Leia and the rest who were standing around them and Rey is being left awkwardly at the side. Unfamiliar music begins to play and she takes the opportunity to glide out of the ballroom into a dark balcony and there, she watches the view she has. 

Seeing the lights against the scenic night with bright stars amidst the blackness should make her feel relaxed, at peace. Their purpose of the trip has indeed been met and from what she has heard before leaving the group, the Resistance would be very well funded. 

But she isn’t. 

Rey feels discontent. 

She shouldn’t though.

A thousand lifetimes away, she would still be on Jakku, scavenging for parts to trade just to fill her belly. But here she is now, on a beautiful planet, one that she’d never been to, she had friends that cared about her and a mother figure who adores her. She has a roof over her head and food in her belly. But still, she feels cheated and mostly, conflicted. 

Around her, a cool breeze flutters through her hair and goosebumps form on her exposed back and she just wishes that she wasn’t alone here. That even though she has friends that she loves, she still feels unbearably alone. 

Footsteps sound and Rey takes a quick glance behind her to see that it was one of the guests from the party due to the black mask that he wears to the well fitted black garments on him. Bored, she turns back to the view, forearms resting on the bars of the railings. 

But a niggling feeling pricks her and she stiffens, recalling the manner the man had walked and the way he holds himself. It was all terrifyingly familiar. And not to mention how the nagging ache in her head has intensified.

Quickly, Rey whips her head around and she stares at him with wide eyes. It couldn’t really be him here in person, could it? 

There could be no way that Ben Solo would be stupid enough to be here on Naboo when he was now one of the most hated individuals in the galaxy. He was Supreme Leader, practically persona non grata on almost every planet. 

But yet, from what she could see, it _is_ him. 

“Ben?” she whispers, taking a careful step towards his form. 

“Rey.” 

Her jaw drops and she watches incredulously as he takes slow leisurely steps towards her until they were scant inches apart and not for the first time, she wonders how the hell was he this tall. The mask that he wears almost hides his entire face but if she looks close enough, she can see the scar that slices over his right eye. 

“Ben,” she repeats, an arm reaching up for his face and she notes that her fingers are trembling and she exhales shakily as her hand presses against the side of his face. 

Feeling him, the smooth skin on his cheek and his freshly shaven jaw, the fact that he is here on Naboo with her really does sink in. Not through the Force bond that they share, but here physically. That he has risked everything just to be here with her and her heart begins to pound.

Rey blinks up at him, mind blank and her mouth gapes. “How are you here? Why are you here? What if anyone recognises you? What if they already did?” 

She doesn’t really want to analyse why she cares more about the fact that he could be captured any moment. But she knows the reason why.

A gloved hand slides up her neck and his thumb caresses her cheek. “No. It’s a Force trick that plays with people’s minds. Additionally, no one really knows what I look like except you and my mother.” 

Her eyes flutter and greedily, she presses her face further into his hand. She wants as much contact with him as she can. Especially when he is right here in the flesh. 

“What exactly are you wearing?” 

The tone he uses sounds strangled and her eyes dart up to see that his eyes are focused on the golden fabric that is wrapped enticingly around her. But more specifically, they rest on the scooped neckline that shows a fair bit of her chest. 

“A dress,” she deadpans. 

“I know _that.”_ He shoots her a glower and his other hand reaches forward to finger at the thin straps that holds the dress on her shoulders. “Where did you get this?” 

__

__

“Your mother gave it to me. What about it?” Rey chews on her lower lip anxiously. “I know it looks weird on me, you don’t have to say it. It’s awfully gaudy and-“ 

“No,” he interrupts, eyes flicking back to hers and the look in those expressive brown eyes of his takes her breath away. “You look beautiful.” 

* * * * *

For the first time, Rey is actually glad that her room is far away from the others as Ben trails after her in the abandoned hallway. 

Their hands are intertwined as she pulls him along and the very feel of her hand in his larger one without any barriers – like the stupid gloves that she’d managed to tug off earlier back at the balcony – coupled with the knowledge that he’s truly with her, shoots a thrill down her spine and heart feels lighter, _happier._

Quietly, she enters her room and the first thing that she does when the door is finally locked is to rip the mask off his face. She wants to see him. And as she does, the black cowl he has on drops to his shoulders and greedily she takes him in. The stylish black fitted outfit is a big change to the uniforms he usually wears and strangely, she has a brief memory of his younger self being dressed in something similar but in the colour grey. 

If it was possible, he looks more dashing than ever with the way the black suit jacket he has on defines every line and muscle that his form has. As usual, his hair was its perfect wavy mass that falls to his shoulders and yes, they looked as soft as ever. 

Her breath hitches as one of his hands gently tugs the mask she has off and Rey stares at him breathlessly and she can feel her nipples tightening beneath her dress from the intense way he looks at her. As if she was the most beautiful thing he has ever seen and he wants to worship her as though she was a goddess capable of giving him both salvation and mercy. 

Or as if she was something he wants desperately to possess – to own. 

Rey doesn’t really mind either way. 

“Ben?” 

She takes another step closer to him and slowly he pulls their linked hands to his mouth and like the very first time she has reached out to him after Crait, he melds his mouth to the delicate veins on her wrist, dark dark eyes meeting hers at the same time as he leaves hot wet kisses that are accompanied with sharp nips with his teeth.

But this is the first time that they’re together in person that she bites down hard on her lower lip to prevent the moan that threatens to escape from her lungs. However, unlike that first time, she immediately pulls her hand away from his mouth and presses them against his chest and with that, their lips meet. 

It isn’t a fight for dominance, a clash of teeth and tongue. 

It is slow, gentle, and tender – everything that they weren’t but Rey loves it. 

Their mouths move together in perfect harmony and desperately her hands clutches hard at the lapels of his jacket. 

She loves how this feels like the first time that their lips meet even though they have done it too many times to count over the past weeks. Carefully, her hands move upwards to his head and her fingers scrape lightly at his scalp and she adores the low groan against her lips. 

Rey is only partially aware of hands resting on the small of her back until those same hands press her closer to his form that she realises she is quite naked under the dress. The heat from his large hands on her bare back sears through her and her legs clenches together when she feels the familiar achy sensation of arousal and desire that throb at her lower regions. 

“Ben,” she moans again as his mouth suckles hotly on her neck and all Rey can do is to close her eyes and surge against him. Already, the press of his hardened shaft is insistent against her belly and blindly, she gropes for the buckle of his trousers so that she can slip her hands in them to cup him. 

The sensation of his calloused fingers on her shoulders jar her and she opens her eyes just in time to see her dress slipping off her body in one sweeping moment and the gold fabric pools to the ground at her feet like liquid silk.

The hoarse groan that leaves his mouth excites her and Rey can hardly feel embarrassed when she feels the wetness of her cunt dripping slowly down her thighs. 

“Rey, _fuck,”_ he swears violently, hands encircling her waist before moving up her body to cup her breasts, thumbs flicking a little roughly at her nipples and she swallows back a moan, hoping that he can’t see how much this is all turning her on at a really fast rate. Deftly, his mouth envelops the hard peaks and she hisses through her teeth as he laves kisses and bites on the small swells that made her knees buckle. 

Her breath comes out in short pants when he leaves a particularly sharp sting on a tightened bud and her cunt clenches desperately. 

Kriff, she wants him with an intensity she can’t describe.

A sudden movement encompasses her and the next thing she knows is that Ben has lifted her up, a hand under her knees and the other at her back and she finds herself being carried over to the large bed that occupies the centre of the room. 

The very realisation that they are really here, together with no one there to interrupt or to pull them away from each other hits her hard when he lays her down on the bed gently and she is dazed, heady with desire as she knows that finally – _finally_ – they would be fully together as one.

Ben takes a step back and she frowns impatiently as he stares at her. She doesn’t really know what he’s waiting for. He is still fully dressed despite her attempts to shove his trousers down earlier and she in the nude. Rey resents this disparity between them. 

She wants him – needs him now. She wants him in her, taking her hard like she wants, especially after the way he refuses to the last time. Well, now they were here in person and she really expects him to make good on his word. 

“Clothes, off. Now,” she orders, rising up to her knees to tug demandingly at the thick jacket he has on and a small smirk appears on his face as he obliges her. 

Soon enough, he was as bare as she is and she stares in fascination at his cock, which was twitching eagerly in her hands. To think that this part of him would fit inside her causes her nether regions to throb and breathlessly, she swipes at the beads of precum on the tip before raising her eyes to meet his. 

She is so aroused that her legs are quivering and everything in her wants him. Never in her life has she felt this desperate before and Rey leans back in anticipation on the bed, watching as he slowly hovers over her body, aligning them and she lets out a high pitched moan when the head of his cock nudges at her sensitive clit.

“You’re Kriffing _wet,”_ he points out uselessly as his hardened fingers brushes against her slick folds and she can’t stand the smug tone he adopts and she growls, reaching down to grab his shaft in her hand to guide him into her so that he can start fucking her the way her entire being craves. 

“I know that,” she retorts and raises her hips so that the tip of him would enter her but annoyingly, Ben Solo is a tease and well, more patient than she is in things like this that he doesn’t. “What are you doing?” 

Rey knows that she is awfully wet that no foreplay is needed so really, what was he waiting for?

“It’s going to hurt,” he says slowly. “And there isn’t anything I can do about it.” 

She blinks and tilts her chin outwards, a little thrown off from his remark. “I know.” Rey swallows hard. “Just go slowly, I can take it.” 

Ben hesitates but ever so slowly, he shifts and immediately, she tenses when the head of his cock enters her and she sucks in a huge gulp of air from how foreign it feels. It definitely doesn’t feel exactly the same as compared to his fingers but through it, she feels a gradual pleasure that begins to bloom and she wonders if Ben is feeling it too. 

Most probably, he does, she muses as she observes how he is supporting himself with his forearms and how much he is straining to not just move ruthlessly like she guesses he wants. 

“Are you all right?” He asks carefully and she nods, forcing herself to relax and bit-by-bit, he works himself into her. 

The way his cock fits into her is something that she could never describe. In fact, it was almost contradictory with how full he makes her – as if he was splitting her in half – and yet, how good it feels as he stretches her. Her inner walls flutter around his length and she sees a bead of perspiration roll down his temple as he clenches his teeth to let her get used to it before he moves. 

For someone who has never done this before, he really was pretty good at control, she notes dazedly. 

When Ben shifts just a tiny bit, immense pleasure blooms and her mouth gapes in sudden surprise from the mere action and readily, she hooks her legs around his hips, silently urging him to move. His eyes shift down to hers in question and she nods earnestly. 

“I’m all right, truly,” she murmurs softly and one of her hand reaches up to the scar on his face and slowly, she traces the length of it, causing him to close his eyes as shudders ripple through him. 

Slowly, Ben begins to move and each thrust sends her spiralling into a space so bright and star-filled that she can barely focus her eyes on his. Grunts and moans begin to fill the room and she digs her fingers into his back for he was her anchor in this maelstrom of pleasure and she can never let go.

With their eyes locked on each other, everything feels incredibly intimate and she loves it. Rey bites her lips hard when he shifts and in her, his cock nudging at a particular point that causes the moon to shatter into thousands of stars in her eyes. 

“Ben!” she moans, eyelids fluttering and she digs her heels into his spine, wanting him to continue quickly and yet to slow down for her to prolong this pleasurable agony that she feels.

“Rey, Rey, Rey,” he grunts hoarsely against her neck as he quickens his pace and Rey wonders if it was possible to never want to leave these sensations behind. “You feel so Kriffing good,” he mutters against her damp skin and involuntarily, she clenches hard around his length, causing him to jerk abruptly in her. 

“More, Ben,” she gasps, spine arching as his mouth moves against the sensitive skin of her neck hungrily, as if he wants to devour her whole. "Please, more!" 

The heady pleasure that takes up every space in her mind threatens to overflow and Rey wonders how this can feel like their first time when they’ve done things in the past that were close to this. She guesses that it is because they are here, actually touching – skin to skin – without the concept of time and space between them and that very thought makes her inner walls flutter uncontrollably.

Ben is now moving haphazardly against her, hipbones jutting into hers and his movements are sloppy but she can’t quite bring herself to care. In her ear, he is murmuring things in a language that she can’t understand but the grunts and hisses that escape from him, the squelching sounds of him pounding into her and the way his cock surges in her with an intensity that makes her dizzy, she knows she is going to peak. Soon.

But even though her mind is awfully hazy and clouded, Rey knows that she wants him to reach his peak with her too. On instinct, she clenches her cunt rhythmically and Ben swears violently and deftly, he flicks his thumb over her engorged clit and immediately, she shatters and her mouth parts in a silent scream of his name, fingernails digging harshly into his back.

Rey knows that she is muttering things – babbling even as everything turns white in the back of her eyelids and the feel of him jerking within her as hot fluid fills every inch of her up makes everything _more_ in ways that she can’t truly describe.

“Ben, Ben, Ben,” she gasps and when the waves of pleasure recede, she is boneless and she is so exhausted that she can’t even bring herself to move. Ben, on the other hand, collapses on her, chest heaving, mouth panting and he quickly rolls off her before tucking her head under his chin and wrapping his broad arms around her. 

She also knows that they are a mess. 

Her makeup is smeared, they are a sweaty mass of tangled limbs and she knows that his cum is sticking to her inner thighs as they flow out of her at a steady rate but again, she can’t really bring herself to care.

Instead, she closes her eyes and nestles further into his arms and she feels peace and safety and through the fog in her mind, she roughly feels his lips on her forehead before she drifts off into oblivion.

And finally, they are one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really do hope this chapter meets all of your expectations and please let me know what you lovelies think! At this point, I'm just letting the smut gods lead the way or you know, I just like writing ~~porn~~ romance.
> 
> Kudos and comments mean the world to me and thank you so much for reading! 
> 
> I'm on [tumblr](http://resplendxntly.tumblr.com) too if you wanna chat!


	6. Bare

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which their souls are bared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Basically, fluff and smut with a tiny smudge of angst. That's all.

Chapter 6 | Bare

Rey stares at him. 

She’d never woken up like this before. Not with him at her side with the sunlight on his face that highlights his angular features and with a heavy arm that hangs loosely around her waist. She’d never had the chance anyway. The Force that connects them often took him away in the middle of the night before she woke. 

But now, he was here beside her and she relishes in it. In him.

She would never have taken him as someone who slept with his mouth slightly parted but now she knew and she couldn’t help the smile that forms on her face as she looks at him. 

Pillow creases are on his cheeks and she’d never guessed that he would sleep on his stomach but somehow, this particular finding makes her heart swell. 

Slowly, she shifts and immediately, a tense soreness radiates throughout her body, especially between her thighs and she has absolutely no idea that such muscle aches even existed in those areas. But Rey finds that this type of soreness is a delicious mix of pain and pleasure. It is unlike the kinds that one would get when they pulled a muscle or anything akin to that. 

Once she is off the bed, she pads quietly to the ‘fresher in the room and stares at herself in the mirror. Like she’d known before she’d slept, she is really a mess. There are some dark smudges around her eyes from the kohl, the red that has painted her lips is long gone and her hair has terrible tangles in them that Rey is a hundred percent sure would take ages to smooth out. 

But all of that isn’t what catches her attention. Instead, it is the dark bruises that mar her skin at her neck, collarbones and her chest – especially at her breasts. Her eyes move further down and she notes the finger-shaped bruises at her hips and on her waist and lastly, the dried spend on her inner thighs.

Rey doesn’t know if it is possible to feel this _claimed_ in her life. The marks that he left behind were like a sign of possession, similar to the one that she has left across his face and a part of her is thrilled by it. 

Stepping into the shower, the hot water that hits her skin is a welcome relief to her aching muscles and gently, she scrubs the ruined makeup off her face before working the knots out of her hair. Once that is done, she reaches down to her cunt and she winces at how tender and wet she still is. 

Never had she thought that losing your virginity would be like this. 

But Rey doesn’t regret any of it. She is glad that her first time had been with him and that she had given him this piece of her and he, her. 

It made it all the more special and intimate between them and she treasures it immensely and holds the memory close to her heart.

Squeezing the excess water out of her hair, she grabs a towel and gingerly dries herself and she is extremely aware of the soreness her body feels before exiting the ‘fresher and without looking where she is heading, she bumps headfirst into something. 

Startled, she looks up and the sight of Ben looming over her with narrowed eyes meeting hers makes her stop and her heart begins to pound at a fast familiar pace. Slowly, Rey takes him in and she is pleased to see that his hair was indeed mussed from sex and sleep. 

So his usually perfect hair _could_ be messed up, she grins. 

“Ben,” she greets breathlessly and before she can react, her back is pressed hard against the wall as he cages her in and the next thing she knows, his lips are against hers in a punishing bruising kiss. 

Without any hesitation, she loops her arms around his neck and kisses him back. 

It is much later that they finally talk. 

She watches in amusement as Ben downs another glass of caf down and her eyes trace the path that a water droplet takes down his neck from their shower in the ‘fresher just moments earlier.

Carefully, she slides into the chair opposite his and an involuntary wince crosses her face. Immediately, his eyes fly towards hers. 

“You’re sore, aren’t you?” 

She nods gingerly, thighs clenching at the ache and she chews on some bread. “It’s okay. It is expected after the first time.” 

He arches a brow at her words and Rey flushes. “There are holobooks and things like that…” she replies lamely and flushes even more when a knowing smirk appears on his lips. 

She can’t help but grin when he pours more caf into his glass for what seems like the fourth time before taking eager sips and Rey absolutely adores the picture that he paints for her right now. 

He is drinking caf and having breakfast with her and his hair is still damp from the shower and his eyes are still a little hazy from sleep despite the rather _vigorous_ exercise in the ‘fresher. She should have known that he wasn’t a morning person, she muses fondly before taking another bite of her bread. And this all feels like they’re like any other couple in the galaxy with the simple task of having breakfast. She loves it. 

“What are you staring at?”

“Nothing,” she says and fiddles with the fork in her hand. “How are you here on Naboo?” 

“I took a ship here.” 

She shoots him a dirty look. “Clearly.” 

“How observant of you,” he drawls but quickly ducks to avoid the spoon thrown in his direction.

* * * * *

It is Day Two and Rey doesn’t think she would have believed Leia until she finally convinces Ben to do it. 

“How many kinds can you do?” she asks eagerly as he runs a comb gently through the length of her hair. She is fascinated by the way he handles the locks. His touch is gentle and yet firm and she appreciates the gentleness he adopts when the teeth of the comb meets a stubborn knot.

Ben stares at her flatly through the mirror and she presses. “Tell me. I’ve never learnt how to and I always thought that they were beautiful.” 

“It depends on the style,” he replies evenly as he begins braiding a lock of her hair before pinning it at the back of her head with one of her hair ties.

“Really?” She tries to tilt her head as much as she could to see what he has done so far but the sharp tug on her head makes her think twice. “That hurts.” Rey glowers at him through the mirror and only then does she see the faint tug appearing at the corner of his mouth. 

“Don’t move,” he orders imperiously as he adjusts the angle of her head before continuing where he left off and she grimaces. 

“Maybe, I can practice on your hair?” She offers teasingly after a brief moment and Ben’s eyes widen in what seem like alarm. 

_“No.”_

Rey makes a face and Ben responds by tugging sharply at her hair again and she glares at him once more. “That hurts, you know,” she remarks in annoyance and again, the faint smile appears on his face before he pins another braid on the back of her head.

She loves the fact that he smiles so easily these days and she wishes that such moments like this would occur more frequently.

Soon, they settle in easy silence and she can see the lines of concentration between his brows and she wonders how many times has he done this for his mother in the past? Had they been in a similar position as they are in now? And was he recognising the near significance of what they’re doing? 

Rey is again, pretty sure that he has never done this for anyone else except Leia and her. 

Her eyes study him carefully before she begins. “Your mother told me about this skill you have. Along with how she’d taught you and how you often did hers.” Rey finally says and she inwardly pleads for him to reveal his inner thoughts to her. She wants to understand him. 

“I gathered that,” he replies shortly, eyes refusing to meet hers and she presses her lips into a thin line. 

“Leia misses you, did you know that?” Rey tries once more as she shifts on her seat.

Ben jerks and his fingers on her hair still and she watches the Adam’s apple at his throat bob awkwardly before he gradually lifts his eyes to meet hers. “No, she misses the son that is long dead but I’m not that boy anymore.” 

She picks at the hem of her grey tunic and frowns. “You’re wrong. You will always be her son and she still loves you very much.” 

“Has she spoken those words directly to you?” A sardonic self deprecating smile appears on his face as he lifts an eyebrow challengingly. 

“No.” Rey purses her lips at that. “But she talks about you and I’ve seen her holding and staring at a picture of you when you were just a boy more than once.” 

Ben stills and she observes that he clenches his jaw before continuing to braid her hair in rigid silence.

* * * * *

His hands are gripping tightly on her hip bones as he continues pounding away into her and she loves it. 

She loves the rough pace this particular session takes and every part of her hungers for more. Her spine arches and Rey feels a little vulnerable from this position of her back facing him as she can’t see anything but the wall in front of her and this adds a little edge to the act and she can’t help but admit this excites her. 

She knows that it shows how easily he slips into the downy lips of her sex again and again.

Furthermore, this position of her being on all fours and him behind her enables him to enter her with deeper strokes than she thought possible. The way his cock nudges at a specific point in her causes her knees to shake and Rey thinks she may actually die from how _fantastic_ this feels.

The almost obscene sounds of his ball sack slapping against her as he thrusts sloppily actually adds to the whole experience and Rey’s eyes roll to the back of her head when he bites down hard on her shoulder and she’s sure that his teeth marks will be imprinted on her skin for hours, if not _days_.

She won’t last long. They won’t last long. Ben is almost frantic with his movements and her inner walls are fluttering involuntarily along his length, contracting and relaxing around him and she knows that this must feel as good for him too. 

At that thought, she is about to crest over the peak.

Rey releases a hoarse moan as her inner walls quiver from how intense this orgasm is and with a gasp of his name, she climaxes and apparently, so does Ben as he jerks and warm liquid fills every inch of her in heavy spurts.

He groans and swears before slowly pulling out and she can feel his spend leaking out of her and dripping down her thighs. Not caring much, she drops down to the bed in exhaustion and the weight on the mattress shifts when he leaves and she next feels a damp cloth wiping away their combined fluids from her before he returns to the bed. 

On habit, he pulls her form to his and wraps an arm around her waist and Rey takes her favoured position of resting her head on his chest and she feels wonderfully content and happy and sated. 

So it surprises her when the question slips out of her mouth a few moments later when their chests aren’t heaving and they’ve caught their breaths. And as the words leave her mouth, Rey knows for sure that the relaxed and sated atmosphere they are in will disappear.

“Do you have any regrets?” 

Like she expects, Ben tenses beside her but she doesn’t look at him. “Like are there things you’ve done but you wished you hadn’t,” she adds but fixes her eyes on the ceiling that was painted to mimic the night sky. 

Minutes pass and Rey is about done waiting for an answer when she notices a flicker of movement beside her and she steals a glance to see him clenching his jaw. 

“I don’t think I’m truly sorry or remorseful of the things I’ve done but Han’s death, I –“ he pauses and swallows hard. “– I did regret it.” 

She freezes as the events of that fateful day passes through her mind like they were just yesterday. She had felt so angry and hateful for the man beside her for killing the father figure she’d hoped for and she’d wanted to kill him in return. But seeing the face that had stared up at her in ill-disguised awe and wonder on the snowy banks, she couldn’t. Something in her had jolted after her eyes had fallen to the wound on his appearance – the wound _she’d_ left – and instead, she turned and ran off.

“Why did you do it, then?” Now, she turns to him, shifting on the bed as she takes in the strained muscles on his neck. 

Ben refuses to meet her gaze as he speaks. “The Light had been calling me even more than usual and at that point, I should have nothing but the Dark and I thought that with my father’s death, I would be able to get rid of it so that I could fulfil what I thought was _my_ destiny. And as _you_ know, I was wrong.” 

He stops and Rey can acutely feel how much his heart is racing beneath his chest before he continues. “Instead, the consequences were crippling and more than ever, I felt further away from the Dark. And Snoke was right, the deed had indeed split my spirit to the bone.” 

Ben lets out a bitter laugh and Rey just wants to tell him that everything is going to be alright and that she is actually relieved and pleased that he feels guilty about that act but she doesn’t. 

A moment of brief silence pass and she chews on her lower lip as she gathers the guts to speak. “I wish I wasn’t stupid and naïve like I had been to think that my parents would come back for me. I’ve wasted so many years on Jakku,” she confesses. 

He smoothens a hand over her head and she can feel his throat work. “I’m glad you were.” 

“What?” She can’t quite decide if she ought to be indignant or offended.

Ben shifts and his mouth purses as a familiar red tinge appear on his cheeks. “If you weren’t we wouldn’t be here today.” 

Rey blinks, awestruck by his words and she does realise it is true. At least on some levels. To think that a slight alteration in the past could change everything that she has done and experienced today was frankly quite a staggering thought. 

“Oh.” Rey doesn’t have to look at his ears to know that they are bright red too. 

A brief moment of silence passes and Ben continues. “Things should be different,” he says softly and Rey looks at him sombrely. “How can they?” 

Ben glances at her before his hands curl into her waist. “After I’ve met you, I did regret the path that I’ve turned to and the life that I have now.” 

If it was possible, her heart sinks even lower at this declaration of his. It was another option the game of What Ifs offered and she hates it – resents it, even. The Game of What Ifs often give her dreams of a life where she had parents who didn’t throw her away. 

The Game of What Ifs is where she has a normal childhood without the crippling fear of abandonment and loneliness that comes with it. 

The Game of What Ifs is where she and Ben have nothing but a simple easy life that she’d always dreamt for back when she had been in the AT-AT she inhabits in Jakku. A simple life that would bring nothing but happiness and fulfilment from people who cared for her.

Fighting the lump in her throat, Rey furrows her brows and shakes her head. “What is that supposed to mean? You want to be called Matt and work as a radar technician somewhere?” 

Ben glowers at her and she knows she’s being a complete arse but how can she not? The picture that his words paint is like dangling food in front of a starving child and it was pointless and all it brings is unbearable grief for she knows it is not what they can ever have. 

“Forget about it,” she mutters as the familiar knot in her throat begins to grow. 

Ben is silent and she can feel his heavy gaze burning into the side of her face. “What’s going to happen?” 

She blinks back the sting of tears in the back of her eyes and focuses on nothing in particular. “I don’t know. But we can’t stay here like this. We’re on different sides.” With that, she gets up, determined to hide in the ‘fresher before tears make an appearance. 

“What sides, Rey?” he grabs her arm just as she is about to brush past him. 

She glares, feeling the traitorous tears start to leak out of her eyes. “The sides that matter! How many times do I have to say it? You’re with the First Order and I’m with the Resistance! That’s our respective sides!” 

He growls and she can almost see the sparks that flare up in his brown eyes as his grip on her arm tightens. “No, “ he shakes his head as his eyes burn into hers. “The only side that I am on is _yours_ , Rey.” 

Her lower lip quivers and salty tears roll down her cheeks as she looks at him through glassy eyes. The only response she can give is to bury her face in the crook of his neck while her hands wrap themselves around his waist as she cries into his skin.

* * * * *

They are out on the balcony watching the stars sipping on something really fizzy and sweet and they are in silence. It wasn’t the bad sort of silence, instead it was the comfortable sort. 

Right here under the dark night sky, Rey feels the happiest she has ever been. She’s content and yet, she’s curious. She wants to know Ben even more. More than the small bits of himself that he has released so far. 

She curls further in his arm and stares at the way the muscles in his neck work as he takes another sip of the fruity concoction in their glasses. Lazily, she threads her fingers through his wavy mane and the tip of her nails grazes against his neck and from that, he shudders. 

“Where would you like to go?” She decides on this question. It sounds safer than the one she had asked last night that led to her in tears and he in frustration at their hopeless situation. 

No. Rey pushes the thought away forcefully. She wouldn’t think about that tonight or tomorrow or the day after. She wouldn’t let it ruin what time they have together. In defiance of that harrowing thought, she rests her head against his chest and she feels their size difference even more than ever with the way she sits on his lap and how his muscular torso almost envelops her. 

“Go?” He echoes, glancing down at her. 

“Like is there a place you would want to go if there was nothing holding you back?” 

Her eyes dance across the shifting of his jaw as he answers, “Chandrila.”

“Your birth planet?” 

He nods and his eyes return to the dark night sky. “What about you?” 

Rey shifts her eyes away from the column of his neck to a particularly bright star in the sky before taking a sip of the drink in her glass. “Anywhere.” She smiles wistfully. “Maybe everywhere,” she adds as an afterthought and Ben lifts an eyebrow in question. 

“I’ve been on Jakku for almost my entire life and there are so many things that I have yet to see and experience and I want it all.” Her fingers traces the rim of the glass as she elaborates. “Joining the Resistance in those few short months gave me a small glimpse of that. I’ve seen trees, lakes, mountains, salt lands and even snow.” 

Ben is silent and she can’t seem to read the expression on his face so she cheats and skims through the surface of their bond and finally, she sees that he feels guilty about having all of those things because he’d been privileged to have a family that could travel and he’d thrown it all away while she, on the other hand didn’t even have a chance like that.

“Don’t feel that way. I don’t want your pity, you know that.” Rey presses her lips into a thin line. “I’ve accepted the lot that is given to me in this life and so should you.” 

He sighs and tucks her into his side and she closes her eyes, enjoying the clean scent of him that is intermingled with the spiciness of the soap in their ‘fresher. 

Suddenly, her eyes fly open and she pulls away slightly. “Ben,” she begins almost hesitantly as her eyes dart away from his for just a moment. 

“What?” 

“You promised that you would tell me about the reaction you had to the saberstaff,” she finishes and almost all of her expects him to change the subject or to leave the balcony. 

As usual, Ben surprises her as he speaks, “The purple threw me off.” 

“Why?” she presses. 

Rey watches with large eyes as he downs the entire glass in one go before he replies flatly. “That is the colour of my first lightsaber.” 

“What?” she blurts out and blinks in rapid succession. 

“You don’t have to sound so surprised,” he snarks. “Did you really think that I had a _red_ lightsaber when I was under Luke?” 

She takes a mental note that this is the first time since Luke had passed that he addresses his uncle by his name. 

“No! I’m just surprised!” She hastily says. “You were with the new Jedi order that Luke had started and I assumed that your first lightsaber was green or blue. Luke would have surely mentioned the fact you have a Kriffing purple one.”

Ben grimaces. “I didn’t have one, not really.” 

“But- You just said you had it?” Rey furrows her brows as his jaw works and she notes that he was clutching his glass so tightly that his knuckles were turning white. “Ben?” she prompts hesitantly as she leans her face closer to his. 

“Back when all of us Jedi Knights had to construct a lightsaber, everyone’s turned out to be blue or green and deep down, I knew mine wasn’t. I already knew about the Dark side that calls for me. True enough, the blade had been purple and I knew people would talk, I was Anakin Skywalker’s grandson after all and Luke would surely watch me even more closely.” 

“What happened? What did you do with it?” 

Rey can’t help but be terribly fascinated with this whole story. To think that she and Ben would both wield purple lightsaber weapons was unthinkable. And yet, it eases the ache in her chest because from this, she knows that they really are the same. 

“I destroyed the Kyber crystal and stole one from another Knight and used it as my own.” His eyes shift to hers. “You know what my second one is like now.” 

“Did anyone find out about it?” she presses curiously and Ben shakes his head.

“I doubt it. But I was always sure that Luke suspected something.” His hand releases the glass and sets it down on the table while his other tightens his hold on her waist. 

Rey doesn’t feel the need to say anything but simply cranes her neck to press a lingering kiss on his cheek before settling her head under his chin.

Only then, does he start to relax.

* * * * *

“Rey, please,” he groans, hands threading through her hair as she licks the length of his shaft with her tongue slowly. 

“Hush,” she admonishes with a grin on her face as she pulls away slightly to look at him. 

Ben is flushed from arousal and his chest – his very impressive chest – is flushed too. The muted pink spreads to his neck and his face and she can see the tips of his ears turning red. His pupils are fully blown and she can hardly make out the thin ring of dark velvet irises. Her eyes move down to his mouth and her grin widens when she sees that his mouth is slightly gaped from when she’d fisted him about a minute ago. 

“Does this feel good?” She teases the head of his cock with her fingers that was bobbing towards her eagerly and flits her eyes towards him. “Or this?” Again, she takes him into her mouth and suckles greedily and Ben jerks abruptly when the tip of his length touches the back of her throat and she gags. 

_“Fucking Kriff!”_

His hips begin slow shallow thrusts and her eyes begin to water and through them, she can see that his mouth is parted even more and he is panting and swearing and sweat is beading all over his forehead and his eyes are screwed shut and she wants to burn this image of him into her memory.

His hands begin tugging at her hair and she pulls away and continues to lick the length of him eagerly. “Kriffing _fuck,_ Rey, where did you even learn this?” he moans hoarsely and watches her through half-lidded eyes.

She likes that his full lips are red and swollen from their kisses. 

Smirking, Rey wraps a hand around his length and – she marvels that her thumb could barely reach the rest of her fingers and – she draws her hand upwards and instantaneously, his back arches and without any mercy, she gives another savage stroke downwards. Ben growls and his eyes are almost frantic as he yanks her upwards to the luxurious red chaise he is on. 

Obliging him, she straddles his lap and guides him into her before sinking down on his length and she likes that both of them lets out equally torturous moans and growls at the feel of each other. 

She feels complete and she squeezes her eyes shut as she rocks her hips in a gentle circular motion and from this, she can acutely feel every part of him around her. Every part of him rubs against her and her inner thighs are trembling from the effort and coupled with the fact that this feels like heaven. 

“Move,” she orders huskily before looping her arms around his neck and he does. 

Resting her forehead on his, their breaths mingling, Rey doesn’t think that she can get tired from this.

From him. 

* * * * *

It is Day Four and Ben is judging her. 

“You eat like an absolute barbarian,” he drawls in what seems like amazement and slight disgust, eyes staring in awe as she shoves food into her mouth at a rapid speed. 

The food that she has ordered upon his recommendation was so vast that she could hardly believe it. There were ten dishes that had large servings each and the scent that wafts from them makes her mouth water and her stomach growl. 

“Watch it,” she snaps and chews quickly and swallows. “You eat like some privileged poncy arse,” she retorts before gulping down a spoonful of some spicy broth that she loves and wants more of. 

Ben lifts an eyebrow at her before carefully cutting a piece of well-seasoned meat and popping it into his mouth. “I _am_ a privileged poncy arse. Or at least I was.”

Rey snorts and promptly chokes on a chunk of meat from the broth and whacks at her chest violently. “That’s good that you know that,” she coughs and grabs her glass of that same fruity fizzy drink and downs it. She’d learned that it was a form of alcohol that the Naboo drank. “You are right, the food from Naboo is Kriffing great!” 

She’d never had alcohol before but she rather likes the warm feeling that radiates throughout her body when she consumes it. Ben had informed her that drinks containing alcohol would impair her judgement and make her less alert but so far, she feels bloody great. 

Before Ben can reply, she takes a forkful of some vegetable and chews it obnoxiously just to spite him. In response, Ben sighs and shakes his head, but she can see that his angular features soften as he watches her.

* * * * *

“Tell me about Naboo,” Rey requests and Ben blinks up at her from his silent brooding at the electric fireplace. 

She slides across the red chaise that they had spent their day on and curls her body to his. Automatically, he wraps an arm around her waist and tugs her closer and Rey is practically on his lap by now. 

“What makes you so sure I know anything?” 

She snorts and eyes him. “I’ve seen your holobook collection,” she points out and stretches her feet. “Indulge me, won’t you?” 

He sighs and lifts an eyebrow in question and defeat. “What do you want to know?” 

“Anything you want to tell me.” She closes her eyes and waits for him to speak. She likes his voice. It was low and hypnotic when he speaks and sometimes, it can lull her to sleep from how much comfort it brings her. 

“I don’t know if there is.” 

“Just anything that comes to mind,” she prompts. 

Ben is silent and she thinks that she might actually fall asleep with the way his hands are threading through her hair and how her body fits so comfortably on his. 

“There’s a monument dedicated to Padmé Amidala in one of the city squares here.” 

“Mmm,” she mumbles and presses her face into his chest. She thinks she knows that from one of the holobooks, but she can’t be too sure and she’ll rather let Ben talk. 

“Anakin Skywalker had fallen to the Dark because of Padmé.” 

Rey’s eyes snap open and she blinks. “What?” Of all topics, she really wasn’t expecting this. 

“She meant everything to Anakin and he wanted to protect her, even though he had to turn to the Dark just for that,” Ben continues. 

Rey doesn’t look up at him. She can’t. The story of his grandparents reminds her once more of their tragic ending and she doesn’t want to think about her own tragic ending with Ben. So instead, she keeps her eyes on the black tunic that he has on.

“I thought that my destiny was to continue what my grandfather had started,” he says in a tone that one uses when talking about something mundane like the weather or the things to get on a shopping list.

Rey can’t decide if she should be disturbed by how nonchalant he is by receiving a supposed destiny by his deceased grandfather who happened to be a psychopathic dictator. 

“Then why did you kill Snoke?” She licks her lips. “If you hadn’t, you would be able to be like Darth Vader by now. To fulfil your _supposed_ twisted destiny and all that rot.” 

She didn’t mean to ask that and the very idea of Ben following further into his grandfather’s footsteps makes her want to cry but the answer he had given her in the past didn’t make much sense nor was it a rather good answer in her opinion. This time, she steals a glance to see that Ben was staring right at her and she swallows hard at the look in his eyes. 

“I couldn’t kill you.” 

Her breath hitches in her throat and she could only stare dumbstruck at him. Of all responses, that was one she hadn’t been expecting. But she should have, she decides as she purses her lips. Rey knows that he meant the incident on Snoke’s ship. It had been the turning point after all. 

“Why? Why couldn’t you kill me?” 

Ben glances at everywhere and anywhere but her face and Rey knows that she’d asked a question that made him terribly uncomfortable and vulnerable. If she was a better person, she would have let it slide, but she isn’t. She wants to know. She wants to know him, what makes him tick, his intentions behind every action – everything.

In short, she wants to know as much about Ben Solo and Kylo Ren.

“What exactly am I to you?” she murmurs, brows furrowed and she bites her bottom lip anxiously. 

She straightens and moves off his lap and sits beside him so that they are facing each other. No barriers of masks and the darkness that night brings where they usually communicate about taboo topics. Here they are in the day, face to face and they are just Ben and Rey at this moment. 

His eyes dart back to hers as though he is taken unaware by her question and with his walls down, she can see that his mind is running and he tenses as his jaw works. 

“Or are you here because of the Force?” she presses uncertainly. Her heart is thundering in her chest and her hands are clammy and she’s scared of the response he will give. “Please be honest.” 

Rey doesn’t know what she would do if his reply is what she’s afraid of – that he only wants her because of the Force that binds them together and that she’s not enough for him like how her parents had felt when they gave her away or maybe it was because he was using her due to her connections with the Resistance – 

“No.” His eyes are fierce and she observes that he is practically grinding his teeth and she realises that she must have somehow projected her thoughts and anxieties to him. 

She absolutely hates that she is reduced to this insecure child she had been on Jakku. 

Ben reaches out and she notes that his hand is trembling slightly as he tucks a lock of her hair behind her ear. His touch is soft and her eyelids flutter a little at the sensation that is evoked at the way he cradles the side of her face with his palm. 

His eyes are incredibly warm as they focus on her and she feels almost self-conscious by it. “You’re the whole world.” 

* * * * *

It is Day Six and both of them knows what it means. 

Rey stares forlornly at the room they’ve shared this week and she doesn’t want to leave it. It’s theirs. It was like home to her and the past days were like a wonderful dream that she doesn’t want to wake from. She just wants to continue living in it but reality is calling and pulling her back on her two feet. 

Her eyes drift over the bed, to the vanity table nearby and then, to the red chaise and her eyes lingers on the door leading to the ‘fresher, the table where they’ve shared meals and the balcony that overlooks the city.

Rey knows that when she leaves, she’s leaving a part of her soul behind her here. A piece of her soul that she doesn’t think will ever return.

Shuddering, she squeezes her hands into fists and she knows that when she lets go, there is going to be crescent shaped marks left behind. 

She doesn’t care. She’ll do anything that will somehow ease the budding ache in her heart or to relieve the way her stomach sinks as each minute passes. 

Ben is quiet, more so than usual and she knows that he is dealing with their due separation coming in the morning in his own way. 

With a heavy heart, she slips into the bed and stares up at the ceiling. She knows she can’t fall sleep, not when every moment they have left together is terribly precious. 

Soon, she feels the bed dip under his weight as he gets in beside her. Instinctively, she curls towards him and he wraps an arm around her waist. They are unbearably silent and she wishes that he would say something or that she has the nerve to break this tension that surrounds them. 

It isn’t long before she wishes that she didn’t think that because the words that Ben speaks ruin it all. 

“You can still come with me to the First Order, the offer still stands.”

Rey closes her eyes and she begins shaking her head. “Ben, please. Don’t talk about this. Not here and not now.” 

She knows she is almost begging but her words and pleas fall on deaf ears and he sits up straight to scowl down at her. “Why not? What is there on the Resistance that is holding you back from coming with me?” 

She sits up and hugs her legs to her chest and she knows her lower lip is quivering and she is close to tears from everything and she really doesn’t want to fight with him now but truly, what can she say? He knows her reasons. But she tries anyway.

“Ben, please. You know why I can’t join the First Order and you won’t come to the Resistance either-“ 

Ben glowers and he slams a hand down on the bed and he opens his mouth to argue and she quickly cuts in before he can. 

_“Don’t.”_ Her eyes are welling up and she squeezes them shut. “The path you’re heading on is one where I can’t follow. I can’t. You’re asking me to give up my beliefs for that and I can’t and won’t. Please let us not talk about this anymore. Not when this is our last night here.” 

She quickly swipes at her cheeks furiously due to the traitorous tears that escape from her eyes and she risks taking a glance at him to see that he too is trembling. 

Rey quite expects him to engage in one of his infamous Kylo Ren tempers as he would take his lightsaber and begin laying destruction all over their room. She had seen it before after all. Instead, he surprises her when his mouth lands on hers aggressively and she can’t help but give in as he rips the tunic she has off with one swift tug. 

Their movements next are rough and frenzied. Their mouths battle with the sounds of teeth clicking against each other and their tongues glide while hands explored and left bruises in their wake. 

His thrusts are savage and her nails are unforgiving.

Their cries and groans echo in the room. Their room. 

In this moment, Rey doesn’t think about anything else but him. Because in the end, at least she’ll have this and the memories of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you dearies enjoyed this chapter and I appreciate any form of constructive criticism, so do let me know your thoughts and views! 
> 
> Thank you all so much for reading! <3
> 
> I'm on [tumblr](http://resplendxntly.tumblr.com) too if you guys want to chat and bug me!
> 
> AND OH MY GOD. You guys have to check out this fan art by @pigdragon here on ao3, but [she's here on tumblr](https://mollis-daemonium.tumblr.com/). It is very NSFW but that's why y'all are here anyway. The drawing is [here](https://mollis-daemonium.tumblr.com/post/173879515234/i-dont-want-the-first-time-we-fuck-being-through) and it is a scene from Chaper 4! YOU GUYS HAVE TO SEE IT 'COS IT MADE ME BLUSH LIKE IDEK BUT IT'S THAT GOOD. I write smut with a straight face but I blush terribly when I'm looking at any of it. What a contradiction. IDKW BUT THAT'S HOW IT IS.
> 
> You guys fucking bless me with all of your comments and kudos and even you silent readers! I love you all deeply from my reylo trash heart!


	7. Surrender

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which it is the turning point for everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I truly hope that this is somewhat unexpected and that you guys will enjoy it!

Chapter 7 | Surrender

She doesn’t look at the room she’s left behind or the man in it. 

_One step forward._

She feels numb. Void of any emotion and Rey can barely feel anything or let alone hear herself think. Instead, she’s operating on autopilot. 

Quietly, with her bag in her hands and the saberstaff on her belt, she walks slowly and reluctantly towards the Millennium Falcon where it is waiting. 

_Another step forward._

She feels like her soul is being torn apart with one piece left in the room. _Their room._

The room where they’ve exchanged stories, shared their deepest secrets, laughed freely and had explored each other intimately without much care to reality.

It doesn’t require a glance in the mirror to know that she looks like Death. That was good as it supported her claims to be ill the whole week. With her sallow complexion, the dark circles around her eyes and the hangdog expression on her face, she knows that it plays the part. 

Leia had tried to check in on her but she’d lied and told her it was highly contagious and that she wasn’t entirely necessary to the negotiations with Naboo and that she would be fine. 

Fortunately, the other members of the Resistance give her a wider berth more than ever for fear of contracting whatever supposed illness she has. That way, she doesn’t have to make conversation and feign smiles when everything within her feels like it’s breaking and crumbling. 

She gives barely-there nods of acknowledgement to those who greet her and sits in the co-pilot chair next to Chewie. 

Her stomach feels like lead and her heart doesn’t seem to work properly. Everything is sluggish and she knows for sure that this is heartbreak. 

If she closes her eyes, she can still picture the look on his face that he gives when she kisses him goodbye. 

Her heart clenches and she bites her lip until she tastes blood. 

The look on his face was one of resignation and a mixture of hurt and resentment at being abandoned by her again. There was once at Starkiller Base, the other on Crait and now this on Naboo. But what makes her heart throb in agony is the look of complete longing he has for her. 

Her throat tightens and she presses her lips into a thin line to prevent herself from breaking down. Not now. Not when everyone is around watching her. She can’t! She has to be strong, she tells herself. 

However, the ultimate kicker was the way he holds himself defensively and how he tries to hide his feelings and thoughts with an impassive expression. 

But she could always see right through him. Through all the facades and walls he puts up to protect himself. Whatever it is, she is privy to all of it. 

And the fact that he thought that he needed to try to shield his feelings and thoughts from _her_ cuts like a knife that pierces her flesh. 

Instinctively, she clutches at her heart, wondering if it is possible to tear it out so that she could stop hurting. She scrabbles at the grey tunic she wears, through the thin grey fabric that is strapped across her torso in an X as though she can claw the very organ out. 

Not for the first time or the last, Rey wishes that she isn’t _her._

Numbly, she flicks the buttons and switches as Chewie begins to lift the Falcon up and she stares at the control panel unseeingly and she wonders if he is still in the room or if he has left. 

The better question would be if Ben had left their room intact and not laid destruction upon everything he sees. 

Would he wreck the bed they’ve shared? Or the table they’ve eaten on? Would he rip the red velvet chaise where they’ve bared their souls to each other? Or would he simply switch his lightsaber on and wreck every single thing in the room in a frenzied murderous rage? 

She screws her eyes shut and refuses, even more, to reach out to him. She doesn’t think she can, anyway. Communicating with him through the Force is a terrible imitation to the interactions they’ve had over the past week. 

Most of all, Rey thinks she will cry if she does. 

If she closes her eyes, she can almost feel the memory of his hands sliding over her body, the way his soft but slightly chapped lips feel against hers, how he feels like deep inside her, his hands ghosting at the back of her hair as he braids them or how it feels to simply curl up against his larger form with one of his arms around her waist. 

She doesn’t think she can ever forget how he feels like, desperate and hard for her. Or how he groans and shakes when he enters her each time. Neither can she forget how he would murmur things in her ear, sometimes, they’re in a foreign language she can’t understand and there are times when she can barely make out the words of _mine_ and _belong_ against her neck. 

Rey also doesn’t think she can ignore the things they’ve shared with each other. Things that are held close to their heart like her regrets and hopes and dreams and his first lightsaber, things he’d done with his parents and the choices he’d made that he sorely regrets. 

Predominantly, she will never forget the way he looks at her as he says _‘You’re the whole world’_.

No one has ever looked at her as if she was the sole reason for their existence or as if she was everything and the only thing that mattered

And Rey knows that she’ll never have it again because of who they are and she mourns the What Ifs and the Almosts. 

As the Falcon begins to enter lightspeed with the sight of various startling blues and whites, she closes her eyes and squeezes her eyes shut. 

Was this grief and ache in her heart going to be a permanent fixture in her life? Would she have to live with it every day? 

She knows she won’t. The war can’t go on forever. Someone always made the first move and with Ben’s inactivity, she knows the Resistance would strike first. Ultimately and realistically, she knows that she would have to face him across a battlefield. 

And this is the thought that shatters her. 

She won’t kill him. She can’t. 

And she knows neither can he. 

She sucks in a mouthful of air through her teeth, forcing back the oncoming attack of tears in her eyes. She can’t cry _here._

Has anyone ever been in a more hopeless situation than her, Rey would like to know.

Nor does she know what to do or what sides she is on. 

_The only side I am on is yours, Rey._

Her heart clenches. 

If he really was on her side, why wasn’t he here beside her? Why wasn’t he giving up his place at the First Order to be here with the Resistance – with her?

But she knows it is quite impossible. She’d gone through this possible route so many times in her mind but there is only one end. The end of his life for the crimes he has committed. 

She can’t allow that. 

A traitorous tear rolls down her cheeks and she presses her lips into a thin line and clutches hard at the controls as the Falcon jumps out of lightspeed and she is met with the sight of glittering stars that twinkle everywhere she looks. 

It all strongly reminds her of the view from the balcony back in Naboo and a shuddering cry escapes from her lips. 

Beside her, Chewie glances at her and growls out in Shyriiwook. _Are you alright?_

Rey forces a smile as she nods eagerly but she feels that the smile is more like the action of baring her teeth. “I’m fine, Chewie. Thank you. It’s just the illness, that’s all.” 

Chewie growls an acknowledgment and she sighs in relief at the lie that has been bought so easily once more. 

As the Falcon steadies, her eyes meet the stars once more and the knot in her throat seems to tighten. 

“Excuse me,” she murmurs, getting up on unsteady limbs. “I- I have to lie down for a while.” She doesn’t wait for a response but stumbles down the path that leads to the small room she has chosen for herself. 

Once the door is slammed shut behind her, Rey crumples onto the bed and rubs furiously at her eyes. Again, her mind wanders back to the stars and despite all the reasons not to and why she shouldn’t do this as it would make everything _hurt_ more, she reaches out to him. 

“Ben?” she whispers, fingers clenching into fists as her bleeding heart pounds in her hollow chest. 

He doesn’t appear and Rey is terrified and her lower lip trembles and her chest feels like her heart itself is trying to claw out between her ribs and her stomach has this terrible sensation that almost resembles the feeling one gets when a hard punch is thrown towards the organ. 

Rey rather wishes that he appears and tells her to get lost. Anything is better than this silence. _Anything._

But as soon as her thoughts whirl in her brain like a processor, he appears and everything in her calms at the sight of him. 

She can never explain this reaction that he evokes from her and she won’t try to anyway.

_Rey? Is everything alright?_

She absolutely resents that this is how they are now. As if they weren’t in each other’s arms a few mere hours ago. 

Nodding her head, she slowly takes a step closer to him and reaches a hand out. Trembling, she watches as he mirrors her action and for a split second, she hesitates before firmly pressing her fingers against his palm. 

It isn’t the same. 

Not when she has experienced the real thing. 

“Oh,” she breathes out shakily and glances away. “Nothing. Everything is fine.”

She doesn’t know why she bothers lying to him as she swipes at the salty droplets that roll down her cheeks. He could always see through her like she does for him. 

Her hand drops from his and she can acutely feel her lower lip quivering. “I- nevermind.” 

A sullen look flashes across his face as he moves his hand back to his side.

How is it that a few days ago, she can tell him all her deepest fears of never being enough and that she can never meet the expectations that others hold for her? She’d never let anyone know about that. But now, she can’t even tell him that she misses him. 

She resents this. This referring to the invisible but somehow tangible wall that separates them. 

It feels like Naboo has never happened at all. 

_What is it?_ He urges and she looks up to see that Ben looks equally bad as she does and that makes a watery laugh leave her lungs. 

“Nothing. I just wanted to know how-“ her voice breaks and she stiffens but forces herself to continue. “-how you’re doing. Where are you?” 

_I’m fine_ , he says stoically and like him, she can see that he’s lying. 

“Okay,” she whispers and sits on the bed and hugs her knees to her chest as he stares down at her through turbulent dark eyes. “I- that’s good then.” 

A silence filled with things unsaid settles in the room and Rey is afraid that if she opens her mouth, she’ll say things that she shouldn’t. That she’ll say she’ll go back with him to the First Order or that she’ll do anything to stay by his side. 

But she doesn’t. Her friends need her. Leia needs her. 

So instead, Rey simply picks at the tunic she wears, her eyes on the grey armwraps adorning her forearms and biceps and again, her eyes prickle with unshed tears. 

Why was doing the right thing requiring so much sacrifice on her end? How was this _fair?_

She sneaks a glance up at him and her heart aches so badly at the way he is looking at her. His fists are clenched at his sides and his entire stance was defensive and tense but his expressive eyes are full of longing for her and her alone. 

Emotion swells in her heart and instantaneously, four words form on the tip of her tongue and without thinking, they leave her mouth. “Ben, I lo-“ 

A grave frown forms on his face as he takes a glance over his shoulder. _I have to go,_ he interjects and vanishes. 

“-ve you,” she finishes and stares at the spot where he just stood mere seconds ago. 

Her eyes well up with more tears and she bites hard on her bottom lip until the taste of iron and rust fills her mouth. 

Those precious words echo in her mind on repeat like a broken holovid and never in her life has she uttered the words _‘I love you’_ to anyone and the fact that she is willing to confess them to Ben speaks volumes.

With him gone, the fact that she is alone is made even more obvious by how empty the room is and even though it is a small bunk, to her, it seems awfully large and she feels incredibly small in it. 

Slowly, Rey looks around the room and she wonders how many days and years would she live like this – alone in a room with no one to share it with. Or specifically, with _him._

At that thought, she finally allows the walls around herself to fall and she curls up on the bed and cries. 

* * * * *

It is perhaps a quarter of an hour later that Rey emerges from her room to run right smack into Leia. 

With her red-rimmed eyes, pink nose, and puffy face, it doesn’t take a genius to know she’d been crying. 

“Rey? What’s the matter? Is everything alright?” Leia peers concernedly at her and the remnants of her heart clenches. 

Before she had left the room, Rey was sure that her tear ducts had been emptied fully. But she was wrong. More tears begin to prickle in her eyes at the motherly tone that Leia adopts and she swallows hard. 

“I- It’s nothing,” she tries but the stern affectionate raised brows that are directed to her make her choke up. Before she knows it, she is being ushered back into the room with Leia closing the door gently. 

“Tell me what’s troubling you.” Kind brown eyes meet hers and Rey wants to know if it is possible for her soul to ever not feel this _tortured_ anymore. 

“It’s the sickness,” she lies as she sits on the bed and forces a tight smile on her face but in reality, it feels more like a grimace. 

Leia sighs and tilts her head forward as she sits on the edge of the bed. “How bad is it?” 

Rey blinks and her mouth gapes as her brain tries to come up with a suitable answer but none comes to mind. “W-what?” 

“Your sickness, how bad is it? What did the doctors on Naboo say?” 

_Doctors?_ She wrinkles her brows. 

“Uhm.” She frowns and her eyes shift away from the piercing ones belonging to the mother of her problems. Literally. 

Leia shrugs. “Some of the group told me that you’ve told them you went to see a doctor and others said they’ve seen you go to one. So, what did the doctor say?” 

Rey knows for a fact that she had never left the room nor had she spoken to anyone or had she seen a doctor in the first place considering she was never sick to begin with. 

And honestly, she would really like to know what is going on but then, it hits her. 

The only one capable of pulling something like this was _him._

Hadn’t he all but admitted that he knew mind tricks with the Force? It would make sense then. However, where would he have the time or the opportunity to do so? He’d never been away from her, they were literally roommates for six days straight – unless, he’d done all of this while she was asleep. 

“Rey?” Leia prompts and her eyes shoot upwards to meet the older woman’s. 

“I-I can’t actually say,” she murmurs, heart squeezing at the effort that he had done just so that they could have time together without any interference from the outside world. 

The older woman pauses and she gathers their hands together and Rey watches dazedly as slightly wrinkled hands rub over hers in a gentle motion. It was eerily reminiscent of how one’s mother would do for their child and not for the first time, she wonders why Ben had thrown it all away for a path that tears at his very soul. 

“Rey,” the General begins slowly. “Before Luke died, he told me that no one is ever truly gone.” The tone that Leia uses is one full of knowing and slight comfort but nonetheless, her heart stops and everything around them turns silent. 

Rey doesn’t hear the sounds of the others talking and laughing, nor does she hear the signs of the Falcon moving through space with Chewie at the helm. All she can focus on is the sight of Leia staring right at her. It feels as though the older woman was boring holes through her head. 

Instantly, her eyes flick up as warning lights begin to flash in her head. Her heart starts again and she can feel it beating unsteadily and anxiety rises in her and Rey is entirely sure she wants to retch all over the floor from the uneasiness that fills her.

No one can find out. She doesn’t think they could. But with what Leia is implying… Her eyes widen uncertainly.

“General Organa, I-“

“How many times have I told you to call me Leia?” 

Rey swallows apprehensively and nods. “Leia, I-I don’t understand what you’re trying to get at. Who is gone?” 

“Rey,” Leia lets out a shark-like smirk. “I can sense Ben too, you know.”

 _Oh fucking Kriff._

Her heart plummets to the bottom of her stomach and Rey really thinks she would retch right here due to the fact that they have indeed been found out. Especially by Leia. 

“What?” she croaks out, everything in her was screaming to try to fix this situation they’ve landed in and her mind begins spinning out more lies and excuses to try to hide the truth and really, she doesn’t need this happening now after all that she has gone through. 

The Force really was being a Kriffing _bitch_ and Rey really hates it right now. 

_But no,_ a voice in her mind says and the storm in her brain abates slightly.

No more lies. Not with Leia. And not with anyone else. If she was found out, there wasn’t any point in trying to hide anyway. 

Rey licks her sorely abused bottom lip due to all the biting she’d done as she prepares to apologize for continuing to interact with Ben, for jeopardizing the Resistance, for the lies and most of all, for not being able to bring him back to the Resistance – to them. 

“I’m Force-sensitive and I know when he’s near,” Leia explains before she can speak and Rey notes in bewilderment there isn’t a hint of judgment or accusation in those brown depths. “I’ve sensed him since Day One on Naboo, ever since we’ve landed.” 

Rey is stupefied and lost for words and all she can do is gape like a Kriffing moron as Leia continues to speak.

“I’ve also sensed him while on Base. But I don’t feel him as strongly there as compared to Naboo.” 

Her eyes flutter shut and Rey can feel tears pool in her eyes and she has this overwhelming urge to confess everything. 

However, her throat is too clogged up with tears for her to even speak properly. “Leia – Why – I’m sorry even – I tried to help him, but –“ 

The hands around hers tighten and again, another tear rolls down her cheek and she opens her eyes to stare glassily at the woman she thinks of a mother. “I failed. I can’t bring him back,” she hiccups and shakes her head. “If he comes back, he’ll be on trial and-“ 

Leia’s eyes begin to water and she reaches out gently to wipe the tears away from her face. “Rey, no one can bring Ben back. He has to make the decision himself.” 

She nods and inhales deeply with shuddering breaths. “I know that. It’s just…hard.” Rey quickly glances away, afraid that the strong emotion that she holds for him would be easily seen by others and she hastily focuses on her hands. 

But it is too late. 

“You love him, don’t you? You love my son,” Leia gasps. 

Rey gapes and her jaw works uselessly for perhaps a minute but before she can reply, the Falcon suddenly swerves to the left and alarms begin to blare. 

As if a switch is flicked on, both of them get to their feet in an instant, all talk of emotion gone from their minds and Rey quickly grabs the saberstaff and follows after Leia into the cockpit. 

“Chewie! What’s going on?” Leia demands but Rey doesn’t have to wait for the Wookie’s reply when she sees more than ten TIE fighters and a First Order Light Cruiser with all of their weapons aimed at them.

“Oh, no,” she breathes out and quickly slides into the co-pilot’s chair but Chewie’s growl makes her heart stop. 

“They’ve locked onto us, we can’t move.” Rey repeats dazedly and she watches in horror as the Falcon is being pulled towards the Cruiser. 

“How did they know about us here?” One of the members of the Resistance, a Mon Calamari female questions as she enters and Leia begins firing orders for all personnel to get their weapons. 

But Rey knows it won’t help one bit. They’re sorely outnumbered and outgunned and they weren’t prepared for this. Their trip to Naboo was a secret and few knew about it. And the only logical explanation was that there had to be a leak.

Or, the First Order had been tracking them from day one since they’ve left the Resistance Base. 

It doesn’t cross her mind that Ben could have told Hux or anyone about them. She knows for sure that he isn’t the one behind this. 

By now, Chewie has released the controls and has taken a blaster in his hands and Leia is aiming hers towards the door as Chewie leads them out. Rey thumbs the switch on her saberstaff and that is when she realises that Leia is still there with them. 

“Chewie! I’ll hold them off! Make sure Leia is safe!” She shouts and the Wookie agrees despite Leia’s protests and the Falcon gives another sudden lurge and distantly, she can hear the faint sounds of marching and everything seems to slow down until the doors slide open. 

However, she doesn’t just see Stormtroopers, instead she sees lizard like creatures sliding in with leashes over their scaly necks led by those dressed in those dreaded white uniforms. 

“Oh no,” Leia murmurs and Rey whips her head towards her in question. “Those are Ysalamir,” Leia explains softly. “They have the ability to repel the Force. And if they’re here, you can’t use it.” 

_“What?”_

She stares at the creatures and at the Stormtroopers and dread curls up within her when she realises that Leia is right. 

Rey can’t use the Force. 

It was as if it was muted. She knows it is there, she can sense it but she can’t seem to reach out for it or be able to wield it. It was like a translucent wall separating them and she feels bereft and vulnerable. 

A bubble of panic begins to rise and she wonders how she can save all of them without it? With shaky hands, she forces herself to remain calm and she adjusts her grip on her beloved saberstaff and she wonders if killing the creatures would work.

She would do whatever it took to get them all out of this situation. 

A Stormtrooper raises its blaster and the five behind him does so in synchronisation. “Hands up!” He orders and aims it right at the General. 

Chewie growls in protest and Rey glances at Leia who seems to be debating over what choices she should take in her head but makes the first move anyway. 

“No,” the General snaps and begins firing without hesitation and with deadly precision. 

And everything descends into chaos. 

Rey begins blocking the blaster shots with the saberstaff and easily, she slips into combat mode and begins going after the Stormtroopers. In her peripheral, she can see Leia and Chewie, as well as the others, firing and some are even in physical combat. 

But for every Stormtrooper that falls, two more takes its place and Rey knows that it wouldn’t be long before all of them are either dead or captured. 

They have to get out. Now. 

Already, she sees two members of the Resistance on the ground and she puts more savagery into her actions. 

She ducks and aims a kick at one before striking him with one of the ends of her saberstaff, violet light radiating but before she can even catch a break, a few more begin to head towards her direction. Rey grits her teeth when a sudden move to get rid of two of the Stormtroopers simultaneously leaves her right side exposed and a blaster shot grazes her waist with burning intensity. 

“Chewie! Go try to get us out of here!” She shouts but she doesn’t really know if the Wookie can hear her amidst the sound of battle. Around her, people are dying and she doesn’t know how long she can hold up. 

They were terribly outnumbered. 

Luckily, Chewie does and he lumbers back into the cockpit and Rey spins on her feet, ducking when needed as she blocks the shots while covering for Chewie. 

“Leia! You have to go!” She yells just as another shot grazes her arm and she fights through the pain, eyes taking in the older woman who was every inch of the General she is. 

Leia is firing rapidly without pause and she is awed at the way every shot is a killshot. 

Adrenaline is pumping throughout her veins and three Stormtroopers come marching towards her and Rey notes through sweat and blood that they are somewhat different from the others due to the weapons they carry. 

To her horror, their weapons look eerily similar to lightsabers. It was a crude imitation, a copy. The engineer in her recognises that it doesn’t have Kyber crystal but runs strictly on electricity but she can’t help but note that it was like an insult to all Jedis. 

Her hair is loose and all over her face, sweat drips from her skin and the places where she has been shot burns. She can see droplets of her blood on the floor but she doesn’t think about any of that when one of the Stormtroopers charge towards her. 

The clash of one end of her saberstaff with the metal weapon reverberates throughout her body and her ears ring from the impact. She twists her body and jerk her weapon in a vicious line upwards and watches in satisfaction as the violet light cuts through the man in half. 

Quickly on her feet, she lunges and begins parrying blows from another Stormtrooper with difficulty as the weapons they’re using are heavy and meant to inflict as much pressure and blows to incapacitate their victims. 

She swings the saberstaff in a wide arc, which is an unprecedented move and brings it hard down and she tries not to retch at the way an arm falls to the ground before plunging an end of her weapon through the Stormtrooper’s chest. 

It was in a way, a cheap shot that she’d done. One that Luke hadn’t taught her, but she’d picked it from Ben. 

And that brings her to the enraged voice screaming in her head. 

_REY!_

“Ben?” She blinks hard, the red haze that has fallen over her eyes fading and her grip on her saberstaff slackens a tad bit. 

That was her mistake. 

The last Stormtrooper from the trio that had advanced earlier sinks his end of the weapon into her thigh and she shrieks from the sheer burning agony of it. 

It felt like fire was licking at her muscles, it was all consuming and Rey thinks she might actually die from how excruciating it feels. Tears spring up from her eyes and she can see blood and more blood and her mind is racing from one thought to the next so quickly that she can’t even focus on any of it.

 _REY! What’s happening?_

Her knees buckle and all she wants to do is to lie on the ground but she doesn’t as the sight of the Stormtrooper charging towards her makes her turn to the left at the very last minute before sinking her saberstaff into the soldier’s neck. 

_Where are you?!_ He is shouting, eyes wild and they are full of worry and panic and anxiety and it just hits her that he can probably feel everything that she is feeling. 

But Rey doesn’t have the opportunity to reply when she sees Leia being cornered with at least six Stormtroopers surrounding her, blasters aimed at her head. 

She doesn’t think but simply acts and she ignores the pain in her thigh, the slashes along her arm and waist as she lets out a battle cry and moves. 

All her muscles scream in protest but she compartmentalises them and focuses on saving the General. She doesn’t save Leia for the Resistance or for anyone else but because she was the mother that Rey had always wanted and had in the past few days.

The red haze is back and everything in her screams for blood when she notices a cut along Leia’s weathered cheek. Without mercy, she attacks.

She is Death personified.

The saberstaff and her are one entity, an extension of her being as she cuts the Stormtroopers down one by one and she can’t even hear anything except the sounds and pleas for mercy before they all die at her feet.

Sweat drips into her eyes as she moves and some part of her knows that the damage she can inflict would be a thousand times more if she had the Force at her beck and call. 

That very thought reminds her of the Ysalamir but she can’t spot any and dimly, she guesses that the creatures are back on the Light Cruiser but their impact is extended to the Falcon. 

That was just her Kriffing luck.

Cruelly, she slashes at a Stormtrooper without thought and jams her saberstaff into his throat and distantly, she can feel the Falcon tumble in space and she knows that means that Chewie has figured a way to get them away from all this. 

However, that sudden movement causes her to lose her balance and she stumbles, hands reaching out in an attempt to steady herself and everything seems to slow down in frozen moments as she watches helplessly as a Stormtrooper fires at her twice-

-and whatever she’d felt before with the injury on her thigh is a _thousand_ times more and she screams and cradles at what is left of her hand into her chest as her knees buckle from the second shot at her torso. 

“REY!” 

Her mind is shrieking at her and the fact that she’d lost her a hand doesn’t entire sink in until she sees it a few metres away from her on the ground and Rey wants to retch but she can’t even bring herself to do so from how drained and tired she is. 

She’s probably in shock, she realises.

Distantly, Rey feels herself hit the ground but she can’t entirely feel the impact. She is also slightly aware that the Falcon is moving and in the state her mind is, she guesses that Chewie has been successful in breaking the hold the First Order’s Light Cruiser has on them. 

With the adrenaline fading, she can acutely feel the insufferable throbbing in her thigh and every muscle of hers ache. She can also smell the scent of blood that permeates the air and everything seems so blurry and she remembers that she’d lost her left hand and there was probably a hole through her body.

Mustering all the effort left in her body, she looks down at her left wrist and she chokes as her eyes water.

There isn’t any blood due to the weapon used as it cauterises the wound and she can’t decide if she’s turning hysterical or if she’s still in shock.

The next thing she sees is Leia peering anxiously down at her. “Rey! Stay awake!” she commands but the only thing that registers in her brain is none of the words the General speaks even though she can see her mouth moving. 

“Wha?” she manages weakly, her eyes are getting heavy and there is that stupid nagging feeling in her head again. 

She really wishes that it’ll stop because everything hurts and she can’t seem to move her legs and she is so tired and the last thing she needs right now is a headache. 

“Rey, please. Don’t close your eyes,” Leia orders but Rey can clearly see how frazzled the older woman is and she groans sharply when small hands clutches at the wound on her thigh. 

“This is bad. Chewie!” 

She closes her eyes and she can feel hands stroking her hair even though she is pretty sure that it is matted with blood and sweat. 

“… get us there now….” 

“…won’t last long…” 

Rey can’t really hear what Leia is saying but everything pauses and her head is all fuzzy and she doesn’t seem to see anything except bright lights. Even her wounds don’t seem to ache anymore and maybe, everything was a bad dream and she is still on Jakku in the AT-AT she calls home. 

That sounded nice. 

Nothing but sand where it is warm and she won’t have to feel this terrible chill that seeps into her bones. She is freezing and weakly, she tries to reach for something to cover her body but she doesn’t find any and again, she can hear something crashing and huh, maybe she’s not on Jakku, but on Ahch-To where the beautiful blues of the waves meet the grey rocks. 

Kriff, that sounds even better and suddenly, she feels like she is being jostled and she moans as sharp pain lances through her body. 

Why was everything hurting if she’s on Ahch-To? There was nothing but porgs there and porgs won’t hurt her. They’re her friends with those chirps and large brown eyes and how small they are. Oh now, she really wants to hug them all and get a huge bed so that they can all cuddle with her on it.

“… oh Maker… how… why… here?” 

“…what happened?...”

“…. how…” 

“… forget that…pain…dying…sensed it….”

Huh, she knew that voice. 

Maybe, instead of Jakku or Ahch-To, she was still on Naboo with Ben. In their room. 

Rey rather likes that thought – way more than the previous two options – and she sighs. “Ben.” 

There is silence and the next thing she is aware of is the feel of familiar gloved hands on her face and she feels safe, content, protected. 

“Rey.” 

Her eyes flutter open and the sight that greets her is his face. Concerned brown eyes stare down at her but she can note the simmering rage that lurks within. 

“Hi,” she manages before reaching out for his face, her hand shaking as she touches his cheek. “What are you doing here?” 

“Rey, I – stay awake, please.” There was no mistaking the worry in his eyes or the way he carries her against his chest, arms around her. Right there and then, peace finally settles over her and she no longer feels the pain. Everything is finally quiet.

She smiles faintly, thumb stroking his cheekbone. “I think I love you.”

The Falcon swerves again and finally, Rey gives into oblivion.

* * * * *

The sounds of rhythmic beeping is what wakes her up and Rey stares blankly at the white ceiling.

If she’s not wrong, she’s in the infirmary of the Resistance Base. 

What the Kriff has happened?

She sits up and that is when she realises that she’s almost covered in bacta patches. Bruises and cuts were all over her body and she stares at the wound on her thigh before her eyes settle on her left hand. 

Or what was now her left hand. 

The mechanisms of it was similar to Luke’s but the one she has now seems more advanced and sleeker looking. Experimentally, she curls it into a fist before relaxing it to bend her fingers one by one. 

Exactly how much time has passed? 

She remembers the trip back from Naboo, the confession to Leia, the First Order, the Stormtroopers and… _Ben._

Kriff! What happened? Where was he? How was she here? Where was everyone?

As if on cue, the door slides open and Leia steps in. Her brown eyes light up at the sight of her and she rushes forward. “Rey! Thank the Maker that you’re alright and awake!” 

She blinks and stares down at her metal hand. “How much time has it been?” 

“A few days. You were very injured and your synthetic hand will be completed soon,” the General offers and covers her right hand with hers. “It’s a miracle that you’re fine.” 

“What’s happened since? How did we get here? Where’s Ben?” She fires rapidly, her throat is screaming for some water but the answers that Leia has yet to provide are more important. 

The overwhelming need to find him is consuming all of her thoughts and he is all that she can think about. The last thing she roughly remembers is that he was there in the Falcon with her and Rey was pretty sure she’d confessed her feelings for him.

“Rey.” Leia presses her lips into a thin line and suddenly, she can feel the anxiety radiating off the older woman in thick waves that makes her want to choke. 

“What is it? What’s happen?” She swings her legs out of the bed, fighting and screaming inwardly for her muscles in her legs to work. 

Leia pauses and she licks her lower lip with a furrow in her brows in a manner that Rey can’t help but note and recognise as a maternal fashion. “Leia?” she prompts hesitantly, her voice was barely over a whisper and her heart was slamming against her ribcage.

The older woman tightens her hold on her hand. “Ben’s here and he’s awaiting trial.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do hope you guys enjoy this! Action scenes are truly _not_ my forte so I hope it was adequate enough. 
> 
> Thank you all for reading and all the feedback! I do truly appreciate it from the bottom of my soul Your comments feed my writing soul and I love reading them <3
> 
> I'm on [tumblr](http://resplendxntly.tumblr.com) too if you guys wanna chat! :)
> 
> Ysalamir references [here](http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Ysalamir)


	8. Trials

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which there are no more secrets and certain choices are made.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this took so long but I was really struggling to write this chapter so now that this is here, I hope you guys enjoy it even though I'm sure it's probably 90% crap. HA. 
> 
> Totally unedited by the way, so please excuse the grammar mistakes or any other mistakes!

Chapter 8 | Trials

Everything hurts. 

The muscles in her body are screaming and the wound on her thigh and gut are protesting heavily with every move she makes. 

She ignores it. 

But catching the glint of the metal hand that she has, Rey doesn’t think she can truly ignore that particular injury. 

“Rey! You’re not fit enough to walk!” Leia orders, eyes flashing sternly but none of her words enter her mind. 

All she can think of is Ben. Ben waiting for a trial that would lead to his death. 

Anguish fills her heart and she forces her limbs to work as she jams her feet into her boots. “I don’t care. I have to see him! Where is he?” 

Leia opens her mouth to protest, even moving in front of the door in a weak attempt to stop her. “Rey, please, you’re going to reinjure yourself.” 

“Leia, I don’t care,” she retorts and with the Force, she reaches a hand out as her saberstaff flies through the air towards her before she brushes past the older woman. “I have to see him.” 

She almost expects armed guards to be waiting for her as she leaves. However, what greets her when she exits the room are whispers.

Whispers of how Kylo Ren had practically surrendered himself to the Resistance a few days ago and in his arms was her bloodied broken body as he exits the ship. Whispers of how he’d refused to let go of her until she’s in the infirmary and properly treated by medical droids. 

Rey pales and pauses, her right hand gripping the walls to steady herself as the murmurs and stares increase.

She _can’t_ be the reason why he’s here, that he’s in a cell waiting for trial. No, she can’t. Rey doesn’t want to believe it. 

Ignoring the glances and low voices that follow after her as she heads to the holding cells at the extreme end of the Resistance Base, she is now met with the sight of at least ten armed guards outside a room and immediately, she knows that Ben has to be in there. 

She stops right in front of them. “Move,” she orders, hands gripping hard on the handle of her saberstaff as her eyes glance away from the metal doors to the guards.

“I said _move!_ ” she snaps when none of them do. 

Distantly, she can hear Leia behind her and roughly, Rey guesses that she had been following after her the entire time. But she doesn’t bother with that now. She has to see him. 

Rey has to make sure that he’s alright and that he’s unhurt. 

It may be traitorous of her to think that members of the Resistance would hurt him out of spite but she wouldn’t be surprised if it happens. Many had died fighting the First Order and she wouldn’t put it past any of them to give him a beating or two as vengeance now that he is in their grasps. 

The guards move and the doors slide open but none of that catches her attention when her eyes finally land on him. 

On Ben. 

She cannot believe her eyes to see that he is seated on the ground _meditating._

As she takes a step in, an odd but vaguely familiar sensation washes over her and as her eyes darts around the room, she finally knows why. Two Ysalamirs are in the room as well and they are in their respective cages that are positioned in the far corners of the room as Ben’s cell is in the middle of the area. 

Rey shouldn’t be surprised by this. Ben has always been a formidable Force user and the Resistance is smart for ensuring that he can’t free himself. But she absolutely resents that he is given a mere cell with just a bed and nothing else.

As she steps further into the room, she has utterly no idea how he is even meditating considering the Ysalamirs in the room and he really shouldn’t even be able to feel the Force. 

A part of her relaxes slightly to see that he is uninjured and Rey ignores the feeling of being cut off from the Force even though she absolutely detests that feeling. Without any hesitation whatsoever, she immediately enters and her hands grasp the metal bars of his cell after she clips her saberstaff to the belt around her waist.

“Ben,” she murmurs, eyes taking in every inch of him, from his messy hair to the way he sits cross-legged as he meditates. 

Upon hearing her, his eyes snap wide open and within a second, he surges towards her, eyes rapidly scanning her form as his gloved hands hold hers over the bars of his cell. 

“Rey,” he breathes out hoarsely and his fingers clutch her hands in a bone-crushing grip but she doesn’t mind. 

Her heart pounds a deadly beat from how relieved and tortured he sounds as he speaks and his eyes are dark and she can see that he is appraising every bruise and cut that mar her skin. Rey can feel the exact moment when his head shifts and she knows that his eyes are on her metal hand. 

“I do hope the Resistance has better prosthetics,” he remarks flatly as his eyes move back to focus on her face.

She can’t help the snort that escapes from her mouth and she doesn’t know if she should cry because he’s here or laugh because he is here. The same reason for two very different emotions. 

“They do,” she answers, her lips curving slightly. “My synthetic hand is still in the making.” Slowly, her smile fades when she notes the dark circles around his eyes and how gaunt his cheeks are. 

What the Kriff has happened since she was out?

“Ben, why-”

“Are you all right?” He interjects and his eyes darts to the blaster wounds she has on her thigh and gut and she can see the rage that glitters in those brown depths that promises retribution and death to those who had caused them.

She nods and shakily, she reaches into the cell, through the metal bars to press her palm gently against the side of his face. “I’m fine. I promise. I just woke up and everything hurts just a little and it’s all sore but it’s truly nothing to worry about.” She swallows and licks her dry lips. “I came straight from the infirmary when I heard.” 

She notes that his shoulders relax and he shudders involuntarily when her fingernails graze the sensitive skin behind his ear. Looking at him, Rey debates on breaking this moment between them as the questions that she has fights their way out of her mouth and she wants – _needs_ – an explanation.

But the answers that he may provide scare her.

Her stomach churns and she feels like retching from anxiety and worry that she may be the sole reason why he’s here in a cell of his enemy awaiting trial.

That she is probably the reason that the man she loves would be dead. 

“Ben,” she pauses hesitantly as she feels traitorous tears sting in the back of her eyes. “What did you do? _How_ are you here? _Why_ are you here?” 

She swallows thickly through the knot in her throat as she gazes at him. 

Ben remains silent and she wants nothing more than to grab him by the shoulders to shake some sense into his stupid Kriffing head because really, what the hell had he been thinking? 

Or another option she can take is to just let go of her emotions and lash out at everything like he usually does – _Kylo Ren style_ – because she is so fucking sick of something always being there to separate them.

First, it was the Force, and then the sides that they are on, and now, it is the metal bars of his cell.

Was there ever going to be a point in their lives where nothing will stand between them anymore? 

“Ben, what did you do? What happened?” She urges when he doesn’t respond and she doesn’t know if the silence is killing her or that her worst fears are confirmed. “ _Please_ ,” she whispers. “Tell me.” 

“I didn’t know that Hux had eyes on the Millennium Falcon and they had been waiting,” he finally speaks after a brief but uncomfortable silence. “They knew that you and the General were on board. When you were wounded, I sensed it and through the Force, I tracked your location.” 

The tone that he uses is flat. As if he was reciting something from a holopad that he finds uninteresting but he does so anyway because it is required of him. 

“And?” she prompts quickly and furrows her brows. “What happened after?” 

Ben straightens and his eyes flick towards hers and her stomach clenches at the look in his eyes. 

It is full of madness and grief as he recalls the incidents that had happened as well as the injuries that she has sustained and she blinks at him as her breath hitches. The fact that he is _this_ affected because of her makes her want to throw her arms around him and hold him tight and to never let him go. 

“When I reached the Falcon, it was badly damaged after taking out the TIE fighters and there was no way you would be able to make it in time due to the severity of your wounds.” 

Her heart sinks and she begins shaking her head. “No.” Her eyes plead with him. “No. _No!_ Tell me you didn’t!” 

“Chewie used my ship to bring everyone back to the Resistance base and I was the only Force user who could stabilise your wounds until you got the required medical attention,” he finishes evenly, face impassive and she knows it is for those who are watching them through the monitors. 

And so, it is her after all. 

_She is the reason that Ben may die._

Screwing her eyes shut, she doesn’t feel herself sink down to the ground when her knees buckle. The wound on her thigh protests heavily from the sudden exertion and she feels awfully lightheaded, but that is the least of her worries.

“Rey!” Ben shouts as he crashes against the bars of his cell to reach for her, not that it helps one bit considering the door remains firm and bolted. 

She ignores him and slumps on the ground in an ungraceful heap as she tries to grapple with everything that she’d just learned.

The fact that he’d willingly sacrificed himself for her sinks into her mind and she stares up at him in horror through tear-filled eyes. “ _Why?_ Why would you do that? You’re going to die.” _Because of me,_ are the unspoken words that float through the emotionally-charged air between them. 

He stares at her with half-lidded eyes as emotion swirls through them. 

“I couldn’t let you die. Not even if I had to instead.” 

She gapes at him and Rey can’t decide if his words are meant to bring hope and comfort to her or to crush her soul. 

But no, she won’t give in this easily. She is Rey and she’d handled things far worse than this. She’d survived it all and there is no way she would give up on them this quickly just because their circumstances are bleak (once again) at this point of time. 

She is not going to let him die. 

They’d come too far for that. They’d overcome time and space and the workings of the Force. They’d overcome Snoke, his Praetorian guards, terrible circumstances on Starkiller Base and Crait. And all of those incidents have led them to the path that they are on now. 

In short, they’d overcome far too many things for him to be executed by the Resistance. 

With a new spark of hope that flares up in her heart, she grits her teeth and forces herself on her feet and glares at him fiercely as she attempts to jab at his chest with her index finger through the metal bars. “You are _not_ going to die,” she declares hotly. “I’m not letting you die nor am I letting them execute you either!”

Ben simply watches her passively, his stance relaxed and with his chin tilted in a manner that declares to everyone watching that he can’t be bothered about the cell they’ve put him in or that he can escape if he wants to. But she can see the look in his eyes that tells her he doesn’t believe her. 

Rey presses her lips into a thin line. “Just watch me,” she growls and turns on her heels to hobble away and she manages a few measly steps but the sound of his voice catches her attention. 

“Rey.” 

His voice is incredibly soft and tender and she stills as he continues, “About what you said on the Falcon.”

She already knows what he is referring to. 

Clearly, having almost died doesn’t stop her from remembering her confessions or the way she feels and Rey halts mid-step, turning slowly to meet his intense gaze but the gentle, tender expression on his face stops the rebuttal on her lips. 

“I love you.” 

Everything around her stills and all Rey can see is Ben. 

Ben with the earnest and soft expression on his face as he says those three darling words. Ben with the brown eyes that gazes at her as if she is everything that he needs and wants in his life – as if she alone is enough for him. 

That _she,_ a scavenger from Jakku is enough for him.

In a way, he too is enough for her because Rey doesn’t need anything but Ben Solo. She doesn’t need the Kriffing galaxy or anyone’s approval. All she needs is him. 

Her heart squeezes in her chest but it doesn’t hurt. In fact, it feels rather nice and everything around her becomes bright like stars and she can feel a bubble of ecstatic laughter escape from her throat but she suppresses it because no one else needs to know how she feels or their conversation. And despite their rather bleak circumstances, the spark of hope in her chest burns brighter and she knows everything will be fine. 

Rey beams, eyes soft. “I know.” 

* * * * *

“So, tell me exactly what you’ve not been saying for what seems like months?”

She stares at the three pairs of eyes on her and shifts uncomfortably before chewing on the cold piece of vegetable she’d just shoved into her mouth. 

Rey licks her lips and she stares down at her hands on the table. “What do you want me to say?” 

Poe grimaces and a scowl flashes over his face. “How about you tell us how long you’ve been fucking Kylo Ren?” 

She draws back and she bites her lip hard and even Finn looks appalled at the words that Poe spits. 

“Poe!” Rose hisses sharply before jabbing her elbow harshly into the pilot’s gut. 

“It’s not like that,” she says softly and lifts her eyes to meet Poe’s accusative brown eyes before she risks taking glances at Rose and then, finally, Finn.

Rose looks apprehensive but she doesn’t see any judgement or suspicion on her face and Rey is relieved to know that at least one person in the Resistance doesn’t hate her. Finn, on the other hand, looks torn and she can tell that he is disappointed and shocked and is just mostly confused. 

That’s fine. She can deal with that.

“Then how exactly is it? All everyone knows is that the _Supreme Leader_ of the First Order waltzes into the Resistance Base without any form of attack and he has you in his arms as he does,” Poe shoots sharply and leans back on his chair. “You can’t blame us for wondering.” 

Rey remains silent and even though she is here with her friends in the cafeteria, she can hear the whispers floating in the air. She knows that it shouldn’t bother her but it does. 

To hear the guesses and assumptions about her supposed relationship with Ben sours everything. Her bond with him feels tainted and she hates that something this precious and sacred for her is aired out like dirty laundry. 

“So really, what is going on? And why wasn’t the General surprised? Does she know you’ve been interacting with her son? Our enemy? What’s next? Have you shared any of our intel with the First Order?” Poe continues hurling accusations and the tone he adopts is irritatingly condescending and she is so utterly sick of it.

She is done with people cheapening what she has with Ben. 

Her fingers tighten around the fork and Finn now looks more conflicted than ever while Rose looks downright indignant. 

“Poe, really!” 

“Like you don’t have any of these thoughts in your mind. You can’t really think that anything innocent had been going on, right?” 

“Poe, you-“ 

“Shut up,” she grits her teeth. 

Rey stares at the tray in front of her and slams the fork down. “Shut up,” she repeats quietly before raising her eyes to meet Poe’s. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.” 

“I don’t know what I’m talking about?” 

“No,” she presses her lips into a thin line. “You _don’t._ So I suggest you shut the Kriff up.” 

Poe lifts an eyebrow daringly. “I’m a General now, Rey. And it is my responsibility and my job to ensure that everything we’ve built, everything that we stand for here in the Resistance wouldn’t be ruined because of some childish infatuation you have.” 

She clenches her jaw and fixes her eyes on a distant spot between him and Finn. 

“Also, have you not forgotten that he killed Han Solo? That he was part of the system that obliterated the Hosnian Prime? Or what about the murder of perhaps millions with his own hands?” 

She knew he wouldn’t understand. No one would. But to hear the crimes that Ben had committed is like a slap of reality in her face. The path to getting him free wouldn’t be easy. In fact, it would be downright impossible. 

But she wouldn’t give up. She can’t. 

And at this point, she doesn’t have time to waste on people like Poe who would never understand or would even attempt to do so.

She has other more important things to do. 

She has to figure out how to get Ben free or at least not a death penalty or life imprisonment and she also has to see him. It was all part of her daily routine now. If it were possible, she would spend every minute that she has with him. But she can’t. Hence, she settles for spending the nights there with him. 

Rey doesn’t bother replying Poe, instead, she gathers her bottle of water and grabs the handle of her saberstaff and leaves. 

Blocking out the words that reach her ears is difficult but she does so anyway. 

She has made perhaps about a total of fifteen steps when a hand grabs her elbow and Rey is spun on her heels and is met with the sight of Finn giving her some pleading expression. 

“You may be my best friend but I don’t think I want to hear anything negative right now,” she says softly and purses her lips. 

She doesn’t want to admit it but Poe’s words did hurt. He’s her friend and she knows he wouldn’t exactly understand or approve but neither had she expected the toxic words that he spits at her nor the way he looks at her as if she was his enemy. 

“I won’t say that I’m a hundred percent okay with this,” Finn offers sheepishly as he rubs the back of his neck. “But I’ll try my best to understand. Poe had been totally out of line and Rose is ripping into him like real bad but I’m willing to listen.” 

Tears prickle in her eyes because this is exactly what she needs. 

And so, together in the room that he shares with Rose, she tells him everything. 

She tells him about the Force bond, the conflict that lives within him, the way he killed Snoke for her, how they’d fought the Praetorian guards and even the offer that he’d made after. Rey even tells him about Naboo, about him helping her with the construction of her saberstaff – everything. 

But not about intimate things they’ve done or the secrets they’ve kept close to their hearts. Those weren’t meant for anyone else’s ears but theirs.

“Wow,” Finn finally says and lets out a long whistle, leaning back against the wall and she hands him her saberstaff. 

She watches in amusement as Finn activates the saberstaff and whoops in awe as the twin violet blades spring out from their respective hilts and he begins twisting them in a series of moves that makes her grin. 

“I’ve got to admit, the purple is Kriffing cool,” Finn declares as he peers closely at the blades before thumbing it off and hands it back to her. 

He then sighs and shrugs. “I can’t say that I completely agree with everything but I understand. And if you think he can be trusted and that he’s different, then yeah, I trust you, Rey. You’re my best friend.” 

The way her shoulders sag in relief at that makes her pull him into a hug and she doesn’t know that she’s crying until she feels a tear roll down her cheek. 

That seems to be all she’s doing these days anyway – _crying._

But it soothes her to know that at least two of her friends has her back and that she’s not entirely alone like she had initially thought. 

* * * * *

It is now Day Five since everything and Rey stares down at her hand. At her new hand. 

It is like an exact replica of her old one, minus the hardened callouses on her fingertips and the small scars that used to mar the back of her hand and on her palm. But other than that, it is as if she had never lost her hand at all. 

“How is it?” 

She flexes her hand and clenches it into a fist. “It’s great.” She looks up and Leia and beams. “Thank you.” 

The older woman smiles but Rey can see that it is strained and there are shadows flickering in her eyes and Rey feels her brief excitement over her hand fade. 

Ben’s trial is in two days and yet, there hadn’t really been much news of the possible verdict and sentence that can be given to him. 

Rey is afraid. 

“Not much news yet, then?” she tries and Leia shakes her head gravely. 

The General had pulled every favour that she could, made deals and bargained with pretty much everyone but the end result is still unclear and Rey doesn’t know if she should break Ben out and leave everything and everyone behind or if she should use the Force to change everyone’s mind. 

She can’t decide which action would be more damning to her soul. 

“No,” Leia clasps her hands together and sighs heavily. “People like to think that he’s a monster under that mask he used to wear but he isn’t. He’s my son. No matter how many terrible things he’d done, he’s still my son.” 

Rey bites her lower lip. “But doesn’t it count that as his time as Supreme Leader, Ben hadn’t done anything?” 

Leia shrugs but her eyes are grim. “It does. But everyone wants to use him as an example due to Snoke.” 

She closes her eyes and continues Leia’s train of thought. “And because Snoke is dead, they’re sentencing the next best alternative.” 

“Precisely.” 

“But that isn’t fair!” She snaps heatedly as her eyes flash. “Ben isn’t Snoke! They are both different people and he shouldn’t be sentenced because of that!” 

“I completely agree, but I’ve done all that I could. Let us just hope the Maker is fair and just and that everything will turn out well.” Leia grabs both her hands and smiles tightly and Rey closes her eyes. 

She doesn’t like that. Sitting about and waiting for something to happen isn’t something she thought ideal or would work. All her life, she believed that if you wanted something hard enough, you had to work for it. 

But this is indeed out of anyone’s hands. 

She opens her eyes and realises that Leia is staring at her, eyes tracing every detail of hers and she feels rather unnerved and uncomfortable. “I-Leia, what – what’s wrong?”

“Nothing. I just – I can see why my son is in love with you,” Leia says softly as she smiles and pushes a stray lock of her hair behind her ears and Rey almost flinches at that mere action because that is what Ben has always done.

“That’s not going to matter if he’s dead,” she says without thinking and she sorely regrets it with the wince that appears on the older woman’s face. 

“I’m sorry, that was insensitive of me,” Rey hastily adds and glances away quickly. 

She wonders if it would be wise of her to share the plan that she’d made with the General. But this is Ben’s mother and in some ways, Leia is her mother too and Rey trusts her implicitly. 

“If things don’t turn out well,” she begins, leaning closer in fear that she can be overheard but it is the paranoia in her because the infirmary doesn’t have cameras or anything akin to that to protect the privacy of patients but one could never be too careful so Rey lowers her voice even more. “We’ll leave.” 

It doesn’t surprise her that Leia laughs and shrugs. “I would be surprised if you didn’t.” 

Rey grins and Leia smoothens a hand over her head affectionately. “I’m actually glad that Ben has you and I’ll be extremely proud to call you my daughter.” 

She gapes and blinks furiously and Rey can’t really think of proper words to describe the way she is feeling or how her stomach clenches or the way her lower lip quivers from the sheer emotions that overwhelm her. 

However, before she can respond, pain radiates throughout her body and she jerks abruptly in her chair. 

Rey doesn’t understand it at first because there’s nothing going on around her and she’s all alone with Leia in the infirmary. But when the pain begins to feel more like blows that rain all over her body as each second passes and that they seem to fade as quickly as they arrive, her heart stops. 

“Leia-“ 

“I feel it too.” The older woman interrupts as their eyes meet. 

Rey doesn’t think she’d run that fast in her life. 

Hands gripping the saberstaff, she bursts into Ben’s room and the sight that greets her causes a cry of horror and rage to leave her lips.

The absence of those ten guards outside his room should have alerted her to the fact about this but it hadn’t. 

Ben is on the ground and there is blood. 

The guards are in the cell and three of them had been holding him in their grasps as the rest circled around him and had clearly been throwing the odd punch and kick along with blows with a durasteel pipe and at her entrance, they turn to face her.

 _Cowards!_ Her mind sneers in disgust. Of course, they had to restrain Ben before attacking him. They obviously didn’t dare to take him one on one. 

Rey doesn’t think that she can ever describe the pure murderous rage that surfaces within her. 

Immediately, she flicks the switch of her saberstaff and points it threateningly at the group of men. “Back off! Now!” She barks as violet light washes over her face. 

A few of the guards begin edging away from Ben and out of the cell but she doesn’t turn her eyes to them. Instead, her eyes are on Ben and the pitiful state that he is in. 

He has a split lip, a deep cut on his temple and a long gash on his cheek. But she knows for certain that there are more injuries on his body that are not exposed by the black garments that he wears. 

Ben is seemingly unconscious and the durasteel pipe on the ground has blood on its ends and a sick feeling begins churning in her gut and she might actually retch. 

“What the Kriffing hell do you think you’re doing?” She demands, eyes blazing as she turns her attention back to the men. 

“What does it look like?” A braver guard steps forward with a cocky swagger but hatred flashes in his eyes. 

Rey draws herself up and presses the tip of her saberstaff against the collars of his jacket. “I’ll repeat myself. What the Kriffing hell do you think you are doing?” 

The smell of burning cloth fills her senses but she doesn’t take a step back or draws her saber away. 

Around her, the other guards step back warily, some of them even edging closer towards the door but she ignores them. She’s already memorised the ID tags on the badges positioned on their shoulders. With a quick swing of her staff, she slashes at the blaster on the man’s holster that is slung low on his hips. “He’s a prisoner but that doesn’t give you or anyone the right to treat him like banthashit!” 

The man takes a step back and she can see that the two that flank his sides have their hands on their blasters. 

Rey tightens her grip on her saberstaff and lowers it threateningly. “I wouldn’t do that if I were you,” she warns softly, body tensing as she adopts a defensive stance. 

“He killed my family!” The guard sneers, fists clenching and another takes his blaster out and takes aim at her. 

“We are not them! We represent the Resistance and-“ 

“Of course, you’ll say that!” The assumed leader cuts in, teeth clenched. “You’re fucking him! Filth!” He spits. “You have to be! Why else would the Supreme Leader surrender to us if you’re not giving him your cunt?” 

She tightens her lips and even though Rey would like to think that she isn’t affected by what he’s saying, her gut clenches. 

A sudden movement catches her attention and her jaw slackens at the sight of a black figure lunging and dimly, she realises that the guards hadn’t closed the doors to the cell and utter chaos descends. 

“Ben! No!” She shouts as he swings a fist right into the ringleader’s face before grabbing a blaster and jutting it underneath the man’s chin. 

“Take that back.” The tone he uses sends shivers up her spine and she can only watch as Ben tightens his hold on the man’s neck and presses the edge of the weapon further into his jugular. “Take it back or I’ll blow you to bits,” he snarls, eyes dancing and flickering with violent rage. 

With that very look in his eyes and the blood and bruises on his face, this, she realises, is the face of Supreme Leader Kylo Ren. 

Rey knows she should be appalled at the display that he is giving but inside her, vicious glee surfaces at the man’s suffering. 

Now, the other guards has their blasters trained on them but with the shaking of their hands, Rey knows it is more of a habit than a threat. 

“Ben, please,” she murmurs, deactivating the saberstaff and slipping a hand on his back. His back, which trembles with ill-suppressed fury. “Forget about him. He’s not worth it.” 

For a moment, she thinks that he is ignoring her when he does nothing and Rey is about to intervene when the man’s face is starting to turn an alarming shade of purple and that is when Ben releases his hold and takes a step back. 

She notes that he is visibly calmer when her hand rubs the length of his spine. 

Rey exhales in relief when Ben turns away and she stares at the myriad of bruises and cuts on his face and she almost wants to cry. 

Is this how things are always going to be?

She barely reacts when Leia bursts into the room with several more guards and begins bellowing at the men that have been on duty and had taken advantage of their posts with too much enthusiasm regarding their prisoner. 

Instead, she observes the softening expression on the older woman’s face as she looks at her son and the pure worry and love on her face makes her turn to Ben who was looking at everywhere but his mother.

In addition, she focuses on applying small bacta patches on his face as a medical droid beeps around them as it scans his body for any major injuries besides the two cracked ribs.

“Rey,” he begins, almost hesitantly and she knows what he’s going to say. There was no doubt that he would bring up the accusations that have been hurled at her with so much animosity that she actually feels nothing. 

And the last thing she wants to do is to talk about it. Or even think about it.

“It’s alright,” she mutters as she wipes the blood from his lips, hazel eyes avoiding his before applying disinfectant on his cuts. “I’m not surprised or affected by it.”

Both of them know that she is lying. 

Ben sighs and his uninjured hand curls against the side of her face and the pad of his thumb rubs at her cheekbones tenderly – _lovingly._ Her eyes flutter shut at the contact and it really has been too long since they’ve been this close and she misses him and the intimacy they’ve shared. 

Perhaps, it is a good thing that they are now alone in his cell. 

Leia knows that he will never hurt her so she leaves them alone before leaving the room with everyone else, but Rey couldn’t help but notice that the General looks unmistakably angered and the expression on her face had mirrored her son’s and she can’t help the wry smile that appears on her face. 

Ben and Leia are actually more alike than they think.

Carefully, she inches closer to him and mindful of his split lip, she presses her lips against his softly. 

The kiss isn’t meant to evoke desire or arousal but to simply bring comfort and she wants to show him through the mere act of their lips brushing that she will always be there for him, that she would always be _with him._

When she feels him relaxing against her, she pulls away and rests her forehead on his. Licking her bottom lip, Rey stares at his bruised knuckles before raising them to meet her lips. Slowly and gently, she kisses each bruised knuckle before lifting her eyes to meet his. 

The way he looks at her like she is his whole life soothes the storm in her soul and it reminds her that what they have isn’t anyone else’s business but theirs and everyone else can go fuck themselves. Their opinions and thoughts about them shouldn’t matter. 

After all, Rey has always known that their path wouldn’t be an easy one, but instead, it will be a path full of obstacles and she is prepared for it. 

Gently, both her hands takes his hand into hers and her fingertips trace every ridge and scar on that hand alone. And with a deep breath, she summons the courage to ask him the question that she has on the tip of her tongue ever since he landed here in the Resistance. 

“Have you and Leia spoken?” 

“No.” 

A tiny frown forms on her face and she peers at him. “Why not? I’m sure she’s been wanting to-“ 

“I can’t.” 

She blinks. “You can’t?” 

The Adam’s apple in his throat bobs and he refuses to meet her gaze. “I can’t,” he says quietly and he pulls his hand from hers. 

“But- Your mother has been trying her very best to ensure that you don’t get the death penalty or life imprisonment and you can’t even talk to her?” Rey knows she sounds both indignant and incredulous seeing that it is none of her business. But Ben is her – well, boyfriend? Lover? – _something_ and Leia is like her mother. 

“No. I can’t.” His eyes flit up to hers and she can see the loathing in them. “Not when I destroyed her life.” 

With that, Ben moves away from her and she is left staring at his back. 

Some things, Rey realises, are not in her control and this is a strong example of that.

* * * * *

Naturally, word spreads about the incident in Ben’s cell and more than ever, she is treated with hostile stares and wary glances. 

It certainly doesn’t help that her saberstaff is violet and not the blue or green that all Jedi are wont to have.

But it is Rose who snaps at a teenager who mutters something filthy when he walks past them and Rey can’t help but snort at the indignant look on her friend’s face and she is immensely glad that she has Finn and Rose in her life. 

Poe, on the other hand, refuses to speak to her in that carefree manner that he used to and is now talking to her in the tone he uses for those that are below his rank of General. 

But today is Day Seven and Rey can’t give a Kriffing shit about what Poe Dameron has been doing or saying and with a heavy heart, she walks. 

Day Seven is also known as Ben’s trial and everything in her thrums with anxiety and she would be lying if she said she isn’t expecting the worst. 

Already, she has gotten supplies and loaded them up on a nondescript ship and she is so very prepared to grab Ben and hightail it out of there should his sentence be anything but favourable. 

Rose understands her perfectly and squeezes her hand tightly as they take their seats in the back of the room that is filled to the brim with all the members of the Resistance. 

Clearly, the trial of Supreme Leader Kylo Ren is an event not to be missed and she sits anxiously, jiggling her legs as those seated around her begin whispering about the supposed outcome and how the Tribunal of the Resistance had a hard time deciding on what to do about the infamous turncoat. 

Rey clenches her jaw and a hush settles over the room as Ben is being led in with his hands bound together. In some distant corner of the room, she can see the Ysalamirs in the four corners in cages and she presses her lips into a thin line at that sight. 

_That_ is going to be a problem if she has to spirit him out.

The way he walks is confident and self-assured and she doesn’t see any hint of fear or worry in the way he moves. In fact, Ben is calm – _too calm,_ and a prickle of unease washes over her. 

But she notes that his façade cracks when he realises that his mother is one of those facing him on the raised dais. 

With a clearing of a throat from a member of the Tribunal, Rey is slightly relieved that Poe isn’t anywhere near them. There was no doubt what his preferred sentence for Ben would be. 

She watches with bated breath as the formal proceedings begin with the reading of the accused’s name and the crimes that have been committed and she winces when the list is long. She knows that, but hearing all of it now doesn’t help. 

After what seems like eternity, they move on to questioning him and at least to Ben’s credit, he is answering the questions directed to him calmly without a hint of a sneer or a glower. 

Rey relaxes slightly when he gives up the names of the planets that have and are aiding the First Order as well as the names of high ranking officials and any battle plans and weapons with ease.

So far, everything is turning out well and she begins to see a decrease in hostile glares, which are burgeoning to interest and that should be a good sign, shouldn’t it?

“Kylo Ren, or formerly known as Ben Solo, the Tribunal of the Resistance has decided that you will be pardoned for your crimes and the parts that you have played in the First Order if you take them down,” a snide looking man announces. “Alone,” he adds with a mild sneer. 

Rey gapes, eyes shooting wide open and her knees quiver. 

This is _not_ what she'd been expecting. 

And with the way Ben doesn't look surprised or the way Leia stares at him sadly, it has all been pre-planned.

They were literally sending him to his death and they can’t do that! She won’t let them! 

“No!” She bursts out and Ben whirls around to face her with a furrow in his brows. “Rey-“ 

“You can’t! He will die if you do!” She retorts sharply as she pushes her way to the front, ignoring Ben as she faces the Tribunal and her grip on her saberstaff tightens imperceptibly. 

Her hand is clammy and her heart is racing but all she can focus on is getting Ben out of this situation.

“He has the Force, does he not?” A female Twi’lek peers down at her. “The accused shouldn’t have much of an issue.” 

Her heart starts to sink and Rey swallows. 

Looking at the faces of the Tribunal, she knows that there would be no changing their minds and this is probably the best that Leia could ask for considering the fact that Ben isn’t to have his head separated from his body any time soon. 

“Alright, I’ll go with him, then,” she declares, straightening, chin tilting defiantly.

“NO!” Ben bellows and she ignores him once more. “That way, the First Order can have a higher chance of being eradicated.”

The members of the Tribunal stare down at her, taken aback but some are nodding their heads and Rey darts her eyes at Leia’s to see that the older woman is gravely pale. 

“If that is what you want,” the snide looking man from before shrugs carelessly before slamming a gavel down. “Kylo Ren, you are under probation until you take down the First Order.”

Her heart eases its frantic beat and Rey glances behind her and from the scowl that appears on his face, Ben is utterly incensed.

* * * * *

_“What the bloody hell were you thinking?”_ Ben practically roars at her when they are in the privacy of her room. 

She glares at him, dropping her saberstaff on the bed before whirling around to meet his furious eyes. “Me?” Rey glares and takes a step closer to him as she begins jabbing at his chest with her index finger. “I’m trying to make sure that you don’t die!” 

He clenches his jaw and his hands curl into fists but most of all, he remains silent. 

“Yeah, that’s right,” she snaps and begins pacing. “If you go to the First Order _alone_ , you’ll die and you can’t! I won’t let you die!” 

“You can’t die either,” Ben retorts heatedly as he grabs her shoulder roughly. “So why the _Kriffing fuck_ are you coming along?” 

Rey blinks before she purses her lips and rubs her face tiredly. “Because what you’re going on is a one-way ticket! You can’t use the Force! I’m sure every First Order ships has Ysalamirs and you may be a good fighter but you’re not that good to face down thousands of Stormtroopers at once!”

Ben glowers and she doesn’t even know why they’re fighting when this is the first time in a really long time that they’re alone and they’re so close to being free and they are spending this rare time arguing. Honestly.

“Look,” she sighs, stepping closer to him until there is barely space between them before she reaches for his face. “At least, if things don’t work out like we hope, we die together,” she says softly as her fingers trace the side of his face where the scar she had left is. 

She continues, “I don’t think I can stay here with the Resistance knowing that you’re dying there. And I’m pretty sure you’ll do the same for me if our roles are reversed.” 

He sinks to the bed and Rey moves between his legs. Naturally, he presses his face against her belly and her hands move to the back of his head and begins combing through his hair. The weight of his arms pressing on the small of her back soothes her and she cradles his head against her warmly and her heart is soothed that they are in this position again. 

To think that they’d left Naboo with the thought of never being together again makes her heart ache. But they’ve been wrong and here they are now.

“We’ve come too far to turn back now,” she murmurs and swallows hard as her fingers play with the ends of the inky locks that brush the nape of his neck. 

Ben stills and he pulls slightly away to stare at some spot on her abdomen as an indecipherable expression flashes across his face and a tiny frown forms at his brows. 

“Ben? What’s wrong?” 

His frown deepens and he slowly shakes his head. “Nothing. I thought I – it’s nothing.” 

She shrugs before sliding onto his lap and burrows her head into the crook of his neck – her favoured position as her hands curl into the black fabric of his tunic. “As long as we’re together,” she says into his chest. 

Ben doesn’t respond but presses a chaste kiss on her forehead as his hands tighten their hold on her form.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this is some unforeseen twist, idek so yeah. I will get to editing this (and all previous chapters) Also, if you guys follow me on tumblr, I was literally having a meltdown of sorts, ha. 
> 
> ANYWAY, thank you all so much for reading and commenting and everything else! I really do appreciate it! I'm on [tumblr](http://resplendxntly.tumblr.com) too if you wanna say hi! 
> 
> Let me know your thoughts on this chapter, I'm rather curious! ♥♥♥


	9. Impasse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which there are certain things that can't be avoided.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter to go and then the epilogue! 
> 
> Again, action scenes are truly _not_ my forte, so please, please, excuse me!

Chapter 9 | Impasse

The feel of a hand drawing patterns she doesn’t recognise on her waist wakes her.

Rey blinks blearily and shifts slightly on the bed before twisting her head around. Half-lidded eyes meet hers and she sighs and buries her head further into the crook of his neck. 

The warmth emanating from him soothes her and Rey doesn’t want to leave this cocoon of safety where reality can’t come crushing in to ruin it all. Sleepily, her hands curl into his tunic, fisting the soft material and still, his fingers continue dragging its calloused tips over the exposed skin where her tunic had ridden up in the middle of the night. 

Feeling all vestiges of sleep leave her, Rey moves again and her eyes graze over his sleep wrinkled face, pillow creases on his cheeks and the growing stubble on his jaw. Her heart skips a beat for a moment and she moves a hand to thread her fingers through his mussed up locks. 

“Good morning,” she murmurs softly before sitting up to look down at him. 

This time, it is Ben who cards a hand through her hair that falls in a silky tangle to her shoulders and the very look in his eyes take her breath away. 

Slowly, Rey hooks her leg over his torso and straddles him, her hands steady herself by holding onto his chest, palms flat out and she slides down to his groin, biting her lip as his half-hard cock meets her centre. 

“Rey,” Ben’s voice is hoarse and his hands find their way to her waist and he looks up at her as she grinds herself over him. 

“What is it?” An impish grin curves onto her lips.

But when her left foot brushes against the metal brace around his ankle, her smile fades.

Of course, the Resistance would insist that their number one prisoner albeit on probation have a tracking device attached to him. It is an ugly looking thing, black and bulky with its ends wrapping around his ankle and it records his movements and even though she has not told Ben, it has a bomb in it and would go off should he attempt to escape. 

But she is pretty sure he knows about it anyway.

Reality begins edging in at the feel of it against her leg but she forces it aside. 

She would allow none of that to intrude the safe haven that she and Ben have created here in her room. 

Sensing her brief hesitation, Ben stills and his eyes avert from hers as he attempts to dislodge her from her position over him. 

“No, don’t,” she protests, pressing him down further into the bed. Ever so painstakingly, she tilts her hips and pivots them, eyes meeting his as tendrils of pleasure begin to creep over her. The feel of his growing cock bumping her clit every time she makes a full circle with her hips causes her breath to hitch and her fingers curl into him. 

Ben lets out a growl as a particular turn of her hips causes his covered cock to slide between her slick folds through the thin leggings she is wearing. Kriff, she was so wet that the crotch of her leggings were soaked. 

Rey lets out a sigh and tilts her head back when a large hand palms at her breast and she opens her eyes lazily to see that Ben is tugging at her tunic. Obliging him, she lifts her hands and he tosses the grey fabric over her head and on the ground. 

Eagerly, she cups the back of his head as his mouth greedily envelops a nipple and bites her bottom lip hard to prevent the moans escaping her throat. 

Dazed, her eyes creep over his form and a tiny frown appears on her face to see that he is still dressed. Impatiently, she tugs at the hem of his tunic, wanting to feel him on her. Skin to skin. 

A husky groan falls from his mouth and he pulls away slightly to yank his tunic over his head and Rey doesn’t bother looking to see where it has gone when he jerks his hips against hers. 

“Oh!” 

The gasp that leaves her lungs makes her rub her cunt keenly over the straining bulge and slightly annoyed, she shifts her hips and tugs at his trousers and at her leggings, pulling them down to their knees and a groan of contentment appears when his hot hard length meets the soft slick folds of her cunt. 

Ben heaves out a hoarse growl at that mere contact and one of his hands find their way to her hips and the other guides his shaft to her entrance.

When she raises herself above his hips and feeling the tip of his cock brushing her entrance, Rey sinks down slowly, enjoying the torturous burn of him stretching her out as he enters her deeper. 

“Rey, you feel so Kriffing _good_ ,” he rasps against her chest, mouth brushing against the delicate skin of the swells of her breast.

She doesn’t respond, eyes enraptured at the sight of his cock glistening with their combined fluids as he moves in and out of her due to the shallow thrusts of his hips. The sound of their skin meeting each time makes something within her curl deliciously, providing another sensory input to this whole act. 

Ben pulls her closer to his chest and she can feel sweat sliding down her back as they move but she can’t bring herself to care, especially when he plants his mouth on the side of her neck, where her flesh curves and begins sucking hard, leaving what she knows as marks. 

His right hand presses against her back while the other strums hard at her clit and Rey shudders, fingers digging into the tendons of his back. 

“Do it again,” she orders breathlessly and Ben does.

She can feel herself begin to spiral and she lifts her eyes to meet his, a thumb brushing his very full lower lip. “I love you, Ben.” 

He stills for barely a moment, hips pausing and her cunt clenches around his length, wanting – needing to crest over that delicious edge that brings her nothing but agonising pleasure. But only if it is with him.

“Say it again.” His eyes burn into hers and she can feel him trembling around her and _in_ her. 

Rey licks her lower lip and she cradles the sides of his face, thumbs caressing his cheeks while the other digits brush the edge of his ears. 

The ears that he resents for they were always too big and the reason why he was always teased and made fun of. The ears that he hides under his hair to make them go away. 

“I love you,” she repeats softly. 

Ben stares at her and with a savage growl, he tosses them over and now, Rey finds herself beneath him as he begins a frantic pace that leaves her winded and ever so close to that edge. Eyelids fluttering, she hooks her arms around his neck as he pounds into her, hips bumping into hers. 

Her heart feels like it is expanding from how he seems to be driving himself as deep as he can into her as if he is trying to fuck himself into her and she loves it. 

“I love you,” she murmurs as he drives himself deep. 

Ben shudders, arms straining as he supports himself over her. 

“I love you,” she repeats firmly as her heels dig into the small of his back. 

He groans and rests his forehead on hers and Rey stares at him in wonder and awe as his lower lip trembles. 

“I love you.” She cups the sides of his face and kisses him fully on the mouth. 

His hips jerk and a thumb thrums at her clit in a continuous circle and she shatters. 

Underneath her eyelids, stars begin to flash and everything turns white. Ben swallows her cry of pleasure as his mouth move against hers and distantly, somewhere in her mind, she is aware of the sensation of warm ropes of cum coating her inner walls as he jerks and twitches within her. 

Rey doesn’t know how long they stay in that position; he is a little heavy but she likes the weight of him on her, surrounding her and she buries her head into the crook of his neck and licks at his sweat-dampened skin. 

Ben mutters a curse before he shifts them till they are lying side by side and he is still in her, a little hard with the occasional twitch against her fluttering walls but Rey savours it. 

To think that they’d never be in this position again after Naboo strikes a chord in her heart and she presses a little soft kiss on the side of his neck. 

“I love you too,” he murmurs stiltedly and she further presses herself into his arms and closes her eyes.

Reality can Kriffing wait.

* * * * *

Seeing the last members of the Organa-Solo family in the same room should be daunting. Especially when one is a revered General while the other was a former Sith Lord wannabe.

Ben is pacing; something that he only does when he is forced to confront someone or something he doesn’t want to but has no other choice. 

She watches as he moves from one end of the room to the other, face drawn into harsh lines and his stance tense and rigid. If he was glass, she is sure that he’d shatter into pieces if gripped too hard. 

Leia had requested to meet Ben privately but he had refused unless she was there and Rey really wishes she is anywhere else but here. Here referring to where the galaxy’s most awkward confrontation _or_ family reunion is taking place. 

Fidgeting slightly in her seat, Rey’s eyes drift over to the crossguard lightsaber resting in a case that neither she or Ben has access to and seeing how his hand is twitching, she knows that he is feeling unbalanced without his weapon at his side. 

Like her, she knows that his lightsaber is in a way, a source of comfort for him. 

Also, Rey also knows that Ben doesn’t want to speak to Leia because of the guilt that shrouds his soul. She knows that he doesn’t think that he’s worthy or good enough to even be near his mother due to the things he’d done, that he deserves to be back here after all the pain and grief he’d caused.

But most of all, Ben is afraid of the reception that Leia would give him. 

Crossing her ankles, she straightens in her chair. “Where would you like to go?”

Ben stops, turning to her with his brows furrowed. “Go?” 

“After everything,” she clarifies and begins shaking her legs. “When we destroy the First Order, we’ll be free. We can go anywhere and no one can stop us. So where do you want to go?” 

His eyes soften and her heart pounds as a lock of his dark hair falls over his eyes rather enticingly. 

“Anywhere. You can choose.” 

“Me? I choose?” she echoes. “But what about Chandrila? Don’t you want to go there?” 

He shrugs and his eyes flick to the door and then, back to her face. “Yes, but as long as you’re there, it doesn’t matter where.”

Rey blinks and she is pretty sure she’d never heard anything more perfect than that. “Okay,” she nods as her fingers begin to play with the hem of the dark grey wraps at her thighs. “But I was thinking we could settle somewhere first. Get a hint of normalcy before we explore the galaxy.”

An indecipherable look flashes across his dark eyes and, mistaking it as a negative sign Rey quickly backpedals. “Or if you don’t want to, then it’s fine and-“ 

“No,” he interrupts as the tension in his body fades. “I-I want that.” 

“Really?” She blinks in rapid succession and suppresses the broad grin that was threatening to burst over her face like a beam of sunshine. “We can-“ 

Before she can continue, the doors slide open and Leia steps in. 

Rey steals a quick glance at Ben to see that his face is as blank and cold as a durasteel sheet and that he has closed off all of his emotions and thought. The tension that had faded earlier is back and she can see the muscles in his jaws straining from how hard he is clenching his teeth.

Carefully, she sits as still as possible, trying to be as invisible as she can in this much-needed reunion between mother and son. 

“Ben.”

Leia is the first to speak and Rey can’t deny the absolute array of emotions on the older woman’s face as she regards her son. There is so much joy and relief but there is no way that Leia can hide the sadness and grief that appears as well. 

The older woman is standing but there is a fragility to the way she holds herself that Rey can’t help but notice. A fragility that hadn’t been there before. 

Rey darts her eyes to the other side of the room. 

Ben is as still as stone, face impassive but she notes that he is curling inwards, as if he is preparing to defend any oncoming attacks, be it verbal or physical. Furthermore, she can see that his gloved hands are clenched into tight fists, as though as he is restraining himself from doing something. 

“General,” he says evenly, his face not giving away a single motion or thought but in Rey’s shoes, she can feel and hear his mind screaming from the thoughts that whirl in his head. 

There is so much anxiety and self-hatred in his mind that she can’t help but feel sick. 

There are images too, _memories_ , perhaps. There are memories of a younger version of Leia and Han and even Luke and Chewie and she wants to cry from the sadness and grief that taints them. 

But worst of all, the key things that appear in her mind is the day where Ben had struck his lightsaber into Han’s chest. This particular memory is almost on repeat. Like a broken holovid that plays the exact same scene over and over again. 

_Ben! Stop!_ Rey almost shouts from how the emotions he is feeling but has kept under lock and key is swallowing her whole. 

“I’m your mother, Ben!” Leia snaps instinctively and tears start to well up in her brown eyes. “You should address me as such after everything that has happened!”

Ben flinches violently, unable to hide it and that is when the dam within the General breaks. 

Leia storms over to him and throws her arms over his form and begins to weep. Ben, on the other hand, is trembling but remains still but there is no mistaking the glassiness of his eyes or the way his hands twitch uncertainly near his mother’s back. 

Rey feels like a voyeur, intruding on this private moment between mother and son. Both who have not spoken to each other in years and have caused grievous hurt unto each other. 

There are so many things that have not been said and actions that shouldn’t have been carried out but all of that doesn’t matter now. Not when Leia is murmuring something softly that makes Ben choke before he finally gives in and pats awkwardly at her back. 

The sight of Ben’s tall frame looming over Leia is almost comical should it be in any other situation but in this case, it is bittersweet. 

“Ben,” Leia murmurs. “Ben, I’m so glad you’re back.”

Feeling like she has seen too much, Rey quietly gets to her feet. Using the Force to silence her movements, she pads unobtrusively to the door. But the words that leave Ben’s mouth stops her in her tracks. 

“I’m sorry, so sorry. I’m sorry…Mother.” 

Rey daren’t turn around. Instead, she presses the button to slide the door open and leaves. But she can’t help but observe that the tightness and grief in her heart fades as shaking relief and tentative joy fills it in its place.

It is only after a few steps away from the door that she realises that those emotions are all Ben’s.

* * * * *

“I still say you’re mental,” Finn declares as he slams the cup down on the table. “Going on that trip is a one-way ticket, Rey.”

She stares at her hands before dragging them upwards to meet his. “I have to, Finn.” 

“Why? I mean sure, you and him have the Force and all, but just the both of you and all of _them?_ You’re not going to make it out alive. So why, Rey? Why would you risk your life like this? For him?” 

The three words come so easily to her now. “I love him.”

Rose gasps. “Oh. _Oh._ ” 

Rey snorts wryly and fiddles with her cup. “I can’t let him go on his own. He’ll die.”

The words ring hollow in her ears and some part of her winces as they leave her lips. The thought of him dying and her living causes her gut to turn and she knows that she can’t bear it. 

Finn is silent and Rose reaches her hands over the table to grasp hers. “Rey, this is not a one man job, let alone, _two._ ” 

“It doesn’t matter to the Resistance, does it?” she mutters, spinning the cup on its edge with the Force. “Kylo Ren doesn’t matter to them and using him to get rid of the First Order is like killing two birds with a single stone.” 

“Rey,” Finn begins hesitantly, mouth pursed.

“What they’re doing isn’t right!” She clenches her teeth. “They shouldn’t just send him there alone.”

“I actually agree with that, even though it’s killing me to say so,” Finn adds before frowning. “But why would it matter to Kylo Ren? To be honest, I’m pretty sure he would’ve been able to bust out of here despite all the security measures that are in place.” 

Her gaze remains rooted to the table. Rey knows the answer to that, but she doesn’t want to give a reply. She knows all too well that she is the reason that Ben is here. 

“Oh Maker,” Rose breathes out, jaw gaping and starry-eyed. “He’s in love with her. He’s doing this for Rey.” 

“Wait, what?” 

If she was in a particular humorous mood, she would’ve snorted at the look of incredulity and awe on her friends’ faces. 

“That is so romantic.” 

“Rose!” 

At that, a breathless laugh does leave her lips and Rey feels a teensy bit lighter.

Finn is waving his hands around in the air and his mouth is working furiously. “S-So, what you’re saying is that Kylo Ren is doing all of this for you? And by that I mean, being taken captive by the Resistance? Having a beating? _Everything?_ ”

“In a way, yes.” 

Rose narrows her eyes and drums her fingers on the edge of the table. “So he’s taking down the First Order because of you?” 

“No. Yes. Maybe. I don’t know.” Rey presses a hand to her cheek. “Ben will be pardoned if he manages to and only then, we can be free,” she whispers. “And well, if it doesn’t work out, at least we’ll die together.” 

“Okay,” Finn interrupts. “That is crazily morbid and let’s not go into the part where you die, alright?” He sighs. “Look, Rey, you’re my best friend and there is no way I’m letting you head into something unprepared that will lead to you dying.”

She shakes her head, knowing the direction of the conversation. “No.” 

“Rose and I will come with you.” 

“No, Finn.” 

“I was a Stormtrooper, I know how things worked and Rose is a mechanic, one of the best and she can do all those mechanic-y things that will definitely help-“

“ _No!_ ” She snaps but seeing the look on her friends’ faces, she presses her lips into a thin line. “No,” she repeats the word softly this time. “You guys can’t. I’m not letting you endanger your lives for me.” 

“But you would do the same for us.“ Rose lifts her eyebrows daringly. 

She can’t think of an argument to that.

“No, I’m not letting the both of you come with me. Like you said earlier, it’s a suicide mission and if Ben and I don’t make it, I don’t want the both of you to die too.” 

“Rey-“

“If you do, I’ll tell the General or even Poe and they’ll make sure you don’t,” she adds forcefully and Rose clamps her lips shut. 

“Rey, _please._ ” 

Sadly, she grabs their hands into hers and squeezes tight. “Thank you, truly. You’re the best friends I’ve always dreamt of having but I’m not allowing you to endanger your lives because of me. Besides, the both of you have your own lives here, your own future and I absolutely will not allow me or Ben to ruin it. _Please._ ” 

Finn looks more conflicted than ever and rubs his hands over his face tiredly. “When are you leaving?” 

“Tomorrow morning,” she answers flatly. 

Rose has her face set into an unhappy grimace and she clenches her hands into fists. “Rey, we’re friends and if you’re willing to risk your life for ours, but if we can’t do the same-“

“Rose, please. If Ben and I don’t make it, then, it’s meant to be. Then, it’s willed by the Force.” 

“What a load of _banthashit!_ ” Finn growls, slamming his palms down on the table once more.

Rey is about to reply when a sudden hush falls all over the canteen and with the familiar nagging sensation in her mind, she doesn’t need to turn to know who has just entered. But she does anyway. 

Ben is standing in the doorway, eyes scanning the broad room for her. His face is impassive as ever but she can see the raging emotions in his eyes after the reunion he had with Leia. In addition, it certainly doesn’t help that he looks ready to swing his lightsaber out and thrash everything in the room.

Cheating just a tad bit, she skims the surface of his thoughts with the Force bond and her heart clenches at what she finds.

“I’ll see you soon.” She offers a tight but sad smile to her friends and slowly, Rey navigates her way around the tables and the people as she heads towards the doorway. 

As she does, she can feel the weight of all the stares on her back and as usual, whispers begin to float through the air. But she doesn’t care. Why should she when all that matters is the man in front of her?

She gives him a smile and reaches for his hand, intertwining their fingers together before she leads him away. 

When they are back in the privacy of her room, she doesn’t ask about his talk with Leia, nor does she say anything. Instead, she simply hugs and holds him tight, face nestled in his chest with her arms around his waist

And as the minutes pass, she can feel him relaxing as his hands press against the small of her back, gloved fingers tracing unknown patterns into her skin.

* * * * *

Rey had lied.

They weren’t leaving the next morning. They are leaving tonight. 

Steadying herself, she tightens the light grey armwraps around her biceps and forearms before smoothing down her dark grey tunic and the fabric that crosses her chest in an X. Beside her, Ben is sliding his leather gloves over his hands and he shoves his lightsaber into the right side of his belt. 

Together, they slip out of her room and enter the hangar where the Xi-class light shuttle that is awaiting them stands out like a sore thumb among the X-wings and the shuttles belonging to the Resistance.

“Where did the Resistance get that?” Ben whirls around to face her, fingers jabbing towards the grey First Order shuttle. 

“Do I look like I know?” She hisses quietly, eyes taking in the ship, from its wings to it’s height. “All I know is that ship doesn’t have much defensive measures. It’s a shuttle, not a fighter.” 

“I know that,” Ben snaps as they enter it and immediately, she slips into the pilot’s seat and marvels at the dashboard in front of her with its numerous controls, switches, buttons, and functions. 

She’d always wanted to fly one of these. She’d flown the X-wings before and even the Falcon but she’d always noted the advanced technology the First Order had for their navy and weapons and Rey is secretly guilty of admiring them. 

Perhaps, the scavenger within her had never left after all. 

“Rey, you’re in my seat.” 

She blinks up at Ben who is raising an eyebrow at her. 

“What? No. I’m piloting this.” Crossing her arms and narrowing her eyes, Rey is determined not to move. “You can be the co-pilot.” She gestures to the seat on her right and if it is possible, Ben glowers even more.

“Rey,” his mouth forms into a sullen pout. “I’m the better pilot.” 

“Oh _really?_ ” She leans back into the chair and crosses her arms. “You can’t prove it.” 

Ben snorts. “Neither can you.” 

“Fine.” She presses her lips into a mulish line. “If you’re the better pilot, you can fly this when we leave the _Finalizer_ and that is assuming the TIE fighters are trailing after us, blasting their cannons. How about that?” 

“Nice try. No.” 

“Ben, I’m flying this. Have you ever flown the _Millennium Falcon_ under pressure? Because I have,” she retorts, spine straightening and Ben rolls his eyes. 

“You can take charge of the cannons,” he counter-offers grandly and she sputters. 

“Why don’t _you_ take charge of the cannons instead since you’ve suggested it?” She retorts.

Before he can reply, the comm on the shuttle crackles and Leia’s voice cuts in, a tad muffled from the system. “How about the both of you stop arguing like an old married couple and just get a move on?” 

Rey flushes but cackles in delight when she sees the tips of his ears burning red where they peek out from under his hair. 

“On it, General,” she replies, face burning but the look of absolute embarrassment on Ben’s face is totally worth it and mutely, he slides into the co-pilot chair and begins thumbing at the switches with his gloved fingers with precision. 

Soon enough, they’re taking off and in space, the stars around them glitter. Once more, she is reminded about the night they’ve spent on Naboo and right here in this ship, with Ben beside her. She is comforted to know that they are so very close to freedom. 

Somehow, Ben must have sensed her thoughts because he reaches for her hand and squeezes it tight. 

Rey doesn’t have to turn to him when she knows through their bond that he is echoing her every emotion.

* * * * *

“I can’t believe the _Finalizer_ is still in working order,” she huffs, staring at the monstrous ship looming in space in front of them. “And you’re very sure they can’t track us?”

“Yes, I’ve planted codes in the shuttle’s system that aids us to be invisible so we can bypass the _Finalizer’s_ shields and radars.” Ben begins activating switches and she worries her bottom lip. 

“So what’s our plan? Disable all the systems, set everything to self-destruct? Get rid of Hux? Anything else?” she prompts and Ben pauses, jaw working. 

“Yes, that’s about it,” he answers, brows furrowing. “Destroy all the databanks too. We don’t need another group rising from the ashes of the First Order.” 

Rey blows out a breath through her mouth and nods. “Okay, we can do this.” 

Her hands lift towards the controls and begin to lead the shuttle to a descend when Ben lays a hand over hers.

“Rey.” The tone he adopts is one full of uncertainty but she can hear the stiltedness and the forceful strength he puts behind that one syllable of her name. 

“What is it?” She stares at him and the grimness in his dark eyes steals her breath away. “Ben?” she prompts carefully. “What’s wrong?” 

He is silent and the hand that is over hers is clutching her desperately, as if she is his lifeline, as if she is his rock in the raging seas. His lips part and he tilts his head down, causing a lock of his hair to fall into his eyes. 

“Rey, I-“ he begins but cuts himself off. “If anything happens to me, don’t come back for me or attempt to save me. Just go.” 

She blinks and for the life of her, she cannot understand why he is asking this of her. “What are you talking about? We’ll get through this. I know we will,” she stammers, stomach turning into lead with the words that he uses. 

“I know.” He clenches his jaw. “But in the event that I don’t. Promise that you’ll leave right away. Don’t hesitate to leave and go. Don’t look back. Promise me.” 

She begins shaking her head and she absolutely hates that he is talking about this just as they are embarking on this deadly mission. “Ben, stop it-“

“Promise me, Rey!” His hand on her wrist tightens to the point of cutting off the blood to her limb but she can barely feel it, nor does she care.

“No!” She snaps, eyes watering and glaring at him, she shakes her head profusely. “You don’t know what you’re asking of me! Would you say yes if I made you promise that?” 

His eyes dart away from hers and her mouth twists. “Exactly. Now shut the Kriff up.” 

With that, she snatches her hands away from him and tilts the controls, causing the shuttle to descend. 

Rey resents him for thinking about this. For thinking that this mission of theirs would ultimately fail and end with his death. She hates him for even having the very thought that she should turn her back on him and leave him to die. She can’t tell if she is furious or heartbreakingly upset for that.

The atmosphere in the shuttle is tense as silence blooms and Rey quite prefers it as she doesn’t want to hear another idiotic word from Ben’s mouth. But of course, things never turn out the way she wants. 

Ben swallows hard before clearing his throat. “If anyone deserves to die, it is me. And you don’t deserve to meet the same fate that I have just because of your attachment to me. So promise me, Rey.” 

Rey doesn’t respond but his words, his cold words that are so full of certainty unlike previously, sends a shard of ice to her heart and it causes the knot in her throat to tighten and she can’t seem to breathe.

“Rey, _please._ ” 

The back of her eyes is stinging and she blinks hard. She can’t cry now. Not when they’re minutes away from a fight with an outcome she isn’t too sure of anymore. 

“I promise,” she says, her voice barely a whisper, but he hears it anyway. 

But the both of them knows that it is a lie.

* * * * *

Getting out of their shuttle unnoticed was pretty easy. Much easier than Rey had thought.

But getting a Stormtrooper outfit in her size was easy too. 

For a brief moment, Rey think that they had wandered into a trap, but seeing the number of people walking about, it proves her wrong. Surely if the First Order is expecting them, there would be more Stormtroopers on patrol or even Ysalamirs about. Or even cannons guarding the entrance to the vessel hangars.

But there is a startling absence of the dreaded scaly creatures and Rey feels nothing but relief. She can feel the Force and that brings some sort of comfort to her. 

“Okay, where do we go now,” she mutters softly, her voice coming out all strange and mechanical due to the mask and beside her, hiding in the shadows, Ben is trailing after her, his dark clothing blending in too well in the darkness of the corners of the _Finalizer_. 

“The control centre just below the bridge. We have to connect all the First Order ships with it so when one breaks down-“

“-everything breaks down too,” she finishes and through the mask, Ben is watching her with a tense expression on his face. “Let’s go.” 

It is a miracle that no one intercepts her or even suspects that she is not an actual Stormtrooper and Rey is glad that Ben has first-hand knowledge of the Resurgent-class Star Destroyer and also knows all of its codes and passwords to sections and doors of the ship. 

She doesn’t think she or anyone in the First Order would have been able to invade the ship without the knowledge that he has. 

“Stop here,” he murmurs when they reach a panel after heading up a few levels. 

She eyes him as he points to the bottom right-hand corner. “That is where we can intercept everything. We can’t actually go into the control centre as Stormtroopers don’t have any business there. You have to make it quick, there is only a ten minute gap before guards on patrol come this way. Also, there are no cameras here so five minutes is a better gauge.”

Rey gapes and she quickly whips off the mask and pries the metal panel upwards and what greets her is the mass of wires on the circuit boards. “You’ve got to be kidding me.” She glares at Ben who is standing in a corner. “ _Five minutes?_ ” 

He gives a nod in return and she scowls but gets to work, following his direction and it is only due to the experience that she has for fixing and taking apart ships that she manages to plant in the code and rewire the circuit board in four minutes and thirty seconds.

Like Ben has predicted, the sound of marching echoes in the otherwise quiet hallway and Rey quickly jams the helmet over her head and follows after Ben who slinks from one dark corner to the other. 

“Okay, now where?”

“The _Finalizer’s_ system, that’s where the databanks are and we have to wipe them clean.” 

She barely gives a nod and follows after him through the metal maze that is the _Finalizer_. But as she walks, she can hear officers barking out instruction and orders and as other Stormtroopers pass her, she can hear the muttered comments of Supreme Leader Hux and she feels dread coil in her belly. 

Surely, Hux, no matter how fanatical and ruthless, would have suspected something from the Resistance, from Ben or Kylo Ren. 

Before she can ponder more on that train of thought, Ben stops in a secluded hallway and punches in some codes and a doorway that wouldn’t even catch her notice if she walks by and when she steps in, all she sees are monitors and a large control dash with black metal panels surrounding the room. 

“This is it?” she breathes out and yanks the helmet over her head and tosses it behind her, uncaring of the way it hits the ground. Without any hesitation, she begins shucking off the white armour and turns to the panel nearest to her. 

“We’ve got to make it quick,” Ben orders flatly and strides towards the central monitor and begins pressing in codes as his hands fly over the keyboard. 

Spurred into action, Rey begins pulling out wires from the panels around the room, messing the order of it and she too, begins adding in a series of destructive viruses into the system and she doesn’t know how long she has been at this but she notes that there are about two more panels to go. 

As she gets off her knees and to the next panel, the feel of a weapon at the back of her neck causes her to freeze. Slowly, she turns and the sight of an officer holding a blaster right in her face causes her to stop. 

“Get up,” the woman orders, face as blank as the metal panels around her. 

Rey flicks her eyes to the officer’s face and to the blaster and silently, she tries to summon the Force as her hands start to inch towards the saberstaff.

But she can’t. 

She can feel it; the Force is so close that she can almost taste it but there is like a thin solid wall separating them and Rey feels panic beginning to bloom in her. If she and Ben can’t use the Force, how are they ever going to get out of this?

“You can’t use the Force,” an arrogant voice speaks quietly and she darts her eyes to the left to see Hux and about five more Stormtroopers behind him as the redhead grins maliciously at her. “We don’t need the Ysalamirs. We just need their blood.” 

She can feel her face pale and she presses her lips into a thin line. 

Hands grab at hers and binds them behind her as a Stormtrooper steps forward to snatch her saberstaff from her belt. 

“Oh yes, we just have to drain those filthy creatures of their lifeforce and coat them around the _Finalizer_. I’ve read that doing so will cause Force users to be able to feel the Force but they are unable to use it,” Hux continues, his accent crisp and clear and Rey swallows hard and her heart begins to pound. 

“Now, get up,” he orders harshly and she does so reluctantly when she can feel more blasters aimed at the back of her head and Rey begins walking over to the central monitor where Ben is still clearing all of the data. 

_Ben!_ Her mind screams but her mouth doesn’t move and she wishes that her hands aren’t bound together or that her saberstaff hadn’t been snatched out of her belt. 

“Ren.” 

Ben freezes and he turns warily and she can see the shock and fury that bloom in his eyes at the very sight of her and Hux.

“I knew you were a traitor,” Hux declares triumphantly. “I knew you killed Supreme Leader Snoke. I just had to prove it.”

Both Rey and Ben remain silent and she can see that Ben’s eyes are flickering between absolute rage and desperation at the situation they’re in. 

“Did you really think it’ll be that easy, Ren?” Hux spits, eyes flaming manically as he eyes the both of them. “You think that you can just waltz in and destroy everything?” 

“NO! You can’t!” Hux shouts, face turning blotchy and his teeth gleam from the bright lights in the room. “The First Order will always succeed where you fail, Ren. And you what? Killed Snoke? Turned your back for her?” Hux’s gloved hands jabs at her neck and she flinches. 

“She’s a Jedi,” Hux continues. “And you’re the _Jedi Killer_ , Ren. So what exactly are you doing? She really must have a nice cunt to have made you-“ 

Ben snarls and activates the lightsaber, eyes burning with hatred and the moment he takes a step forward, Rey can feel a blaster being shoved violently at her temple.

“Not another step, Ren, or she’ll have a hole in her head,” Hux warns sadistically, almost salivating at the idea.

Ben stops and from her position, she can see that his body is almost vibrating with ill-suppressed fury and she doesn’t have to look into his mind to know that he wants to kill. 

“That’s right.” Hux grins. “Now, do us a favour, Ren and give us those codes you’ve been shoving into our system this whole time. Then,” the redhead turns and faces her. “She’ll be free.”

“Ben, no!” Rey shouts. He can’t trust Hux! He would be a fool to do so. Surely, the new Supreme Leader wouldn’t do anything to jeopardise his standing. She knows that Hux will kill the both of them without any hesitation whatsoever. 

Feeling a pair of eyes on her, she looks up and the way Ben is staring at her gives her the sensation of a hard kick to her lungs. Desperation and sorrow cling to him and she knows without a doubt that he would ignore her silent pleas. 

_I’m sorry_ , he mouths to her, dark eyes pleading with hers to understand and Rey does.

Because if their roles are reversed, she’ll do anything to keep him safe. 

Her eyes grow glassy and Ben takes out a small display disk and throws it towards Hux who smirks smugly as he catches it deftly. 

With a curt nod, more Stormtroopers fill the area and they force him to his knees brutally with kicks and blows with their blasters and Rey can feel a tear roll down her cheek at the sight of the man she loves being in pain. Especially after all that he has been through. 

“You said she’ll be free,” Ben snarls, eyes wild as blood begins trickling down his lip and temple as he is dragged to where she is by four Stormtroopers. 

Hux shrugs. “I did, yes. But I didn’t say _how_ she’ll be free. She can die and still be free. You didn’t specify enough, Ren. You know that I take my words very seriously.” 

Ben roars in animalistic rage and begins shoving at his guards with crystal cut brutality and violent rage but Rey knows that it is pointless. For each Stormtrooper that he takes down, two more take its place.

At her temple, the blaster grows hot and Rey can feel herself trembling but she isn’t scared. She’d faced death before. She has never been afraid of dying. But the emotion that courses through her is grief. 

They’d been so _close._

So bloody Kriffing close to being free and leaving all of this behind to have a normal life and Rey presses her lips into a thin line to force the sob down that was about to leave her mouth. Her lower lips quiver and she squeezes her eyes shut to clear her vision. 

“On my count, one - _watch_ , Ren,” Hux snaps in mild irritation as a Stormtrooper grabs Ben by his hair and forces him to face her directly. 

Hazel and dark brown meets and all she can see is anguish and utter desolation and her heart pounds and aches in equal amounts. 

Why were things always this unfair for her? Why was the Force always snatching things from her at every opportunity? Never mind about that, she blinks furiously. It was too late for all of that.

 _I love you_ , she mouths as tears trickle down her cheeks as the blaster becomes hotter but she refuses to look away from Ben. 

It is after all, the last thing she wants to see before she dies. 

“Two.” 

“REY!” He screams and begins struggling more than ever and through her watery eyes, she can see that he too is close to tears and pure grief and desperation claws at his every action. Her heart breaks with the raw emotion that he emanates and she almost wishes that she is dead so that she doesn’t have to see him in this much pain and grief. 

“Three.” 

With a shuddering breath, Rey closes her eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I'm sorry but it had to be done! Good news is that I fully intend to finish this by the end of May! And I know, rather ambitious. Ho ho, let's see if I can make it! 
> 
> But another good news that I have is another story coming up and it's a Modern AU Fic where Ben is at the top of the corporate ladder and Rey is his PA. So if you're into that, let me know! 
> 
> Also, I hope that you guys enjoy this chapter! Let me know your thoughts and thank you so much for reading! Comments and kudos bring life to my very dead heart. 
> 
> You can find me on tumblr [here](http://resplendxntly.tumblr.com) ♥♥♥
> 
> Also:
> 
> Finalizer references [here](http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Finalizer)
> 
> Xi-class Light Shuttle references [here](http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Xi-class_light_shuttle)
> 
> But to be fairly honest, I don't think that I used much information but oh wells, just in case!


	10. Finale

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which everything comes to a conclusion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is just an epilogue left! Stay tuned for it! It's everything you guys have been expecting and there's a bonus to it! 
> 
> Unedited, so I apologise for the mistakes! AGAIN, I'm terrible at action scenes and the fact this whole chapter is full of action, I wanted to die while writing this. You guys have no idea how much red wine has been consumed. 
> 
> Anyway, enjoy! It's the end of this little trash story of mine! ♥♥♥

Chapter 10 | Finale

“Three.” 

Just as she closes her eyes, Rey almost expects to feel the searing heat of the blaster and then, nothing after. 

Instead, everything jerks and she can feel herself falling to her side. Around her, everyone stumbles as the _Finalizer_ rocks to the right and grabbing the opportunity, Rey doesn’t miss the chance to right herself before lunging at the particular Stormtrooper who had her saberstaff in his hands. 

As she does, she twists her form, hissing through clenched teeth as she pushes her arms in front of her where they had been bound at her back. This results in her having her hands in front and in the midst of the confusion, she snatches her saberstaff back. 

Thumbing the activation switch, she moves her hands out of the way just in time for the metal wrist bands to be melded in half. 

Without pause, she rights her stance and with her saberstaff in her unbound hands, she levels it threateningly at Hux and the rest of his Stormtoopers and officers. 

Rey doesn’t dare to take even the slightest of glance at Ben in fear that one wrong move, the chance the Force had given them would be all for nothing. 

But from the crackling sounds of a certain lightsaber and the press of a body against her side, she knows that he is with her, ever prepared. 

She counts about twenty Stormtroopers and maybe ten officers. 

They can take them. 

They may not have the Force, but they had each other and well, Rey knows for certain that they make a rather good team. Ergo, taking down Snoke’s Praetorian guards. Beside her, Ben snorts and she frowns slightly.

Could he have seen her thoughts? If he did, how?

“Fools!” Hux roars, face turning an awful shade that matches his hair. “Get them! Kill them!” 

Rey barely has time to look at the redhead who stalks out of the room in a flurry with some of his officers trailing behind him. Neither does she have the time to figure out what exactly had caused the _Finalizer_ to lurge when Stormtroopers rush at her in dizzying amounts. 

Beside her, Ben makes the first move as he swings his lightsaber in a large arc that cuts two Stromtroopers down in one go. 

That move of his gears Rey to action and she jerks her saberstaff upwards, blocking a blaster bolt before spinning the staff with her hands to strike at a Stormtrooper coming at her right. Before she is given time to catch her breath, her instincts begin screaming at her to quickly duck, and as she does, the electrical buzzing of a Z6 riot control baton sizzles just above her. 

Forcing as much air into her lungs, she twists her body to the left and shoves the end of her saberstaff into the Stormtrooper’s chest, hardly flinching from how easily the violet blades pierce through armour and flesh.

Rey doesn’t dwell on that, instead, she kicks at a Stormtrooper on the ground before slicing his throat with her blade before deftly ducking blows and avoiding blaster bolts in her direction 

Sweat is sliding down the back of her neck and she knows there are multiple grazes on her body where she hadn’t been lucky enough to block certain blaster shots that were aimed in her direction. But right now, she couldn’t even feel the sting of her wounds. Adrenaline pumps through her veins and without another thought she parries blows from another Stormtrooper with another Z6 riot control baton.

An enraged roar echoing around the room catches her attention and Rey curses herself for losing focus when she feels her body tremble as the baton jabs harshly at her shoulder.

Gritting through her teeth, she ducks and gives another forceful kick upwards before spinning her saberstaff in a wide arc, neatly decapitating the Stormtrooper. 

The scent of blood fills the air and Rey knows that the wound from the baton is bleeding rather profusely but she ignores it. That can wait. But Ben can’t.

He is struggling with about five Stormtroopers who converge around him in one go and from the position Rey is in, she can’t even see what’s going on. That being said, the sounds that leave his throat tells her all that she needs to know. 

Pushing herself faster and giving a loud battle cry, she slams the end of her saberstaff into a Stormtrooper who had been raining blows on Ben’s face before jerking her staff down in a vertical line. 

The sound of body parts being dissected should’ve made her retch but instead, it fills her with some sick satisfaction. By now, Ben has gotten back the upper hand and is cutting down Stormtroopers left and right with savage, brutal swings of his lightsaber. 

From where she can see him, he looks exactly like the man she’d first met back at Starkiller Base when they’d been fighting in the woods. 

His eyes burn with fury and vengeance, face twisting into a fearsome expression as his hair sticks to his skin from sweat and some blood but she can’t help but admire how he moves almost gracefully; a stark contrast to the act of his lightsaber taking lives without any remorse. 

This is Kylo Ren, Master of the Knights of Ren, Snoke’s former apprentice, the man who had turned his back on Luke Skywalker and tore down the Jedi Academy he’d started. This is the man who was known famously as the _Jedi Killer._

Nonetheless, she loves him.

His forms are immaculate, arms and body dodging blows while landing fatal ones on his opponents. With his feet twisting and turning on the smooth black floors, Rey can’t help but note that Ben and his lightsaber are one. 

Together, they move seamlessly, as though the weapon is an extension of his arm and she marvels at it.

Quickly shaking her head (and at her thoughts), Rey moves as she too lands crushing blows. Shifting her weight from one foot to the other, she takes in her surroundings. 

With some form of relief, she notes that there are perhaps about five more Stormtroopers left in the room. 

Ben is holding is own and she doesn’t spare him any more thoughts when she quickly rolls to the right when some form of weapon she’d never seen before slams hard against the floor where she’d been mere seconds ago.

It was a lot similar to the ones she’d seen on the _Millennium Falcon_ when they left Naboo.

Panting, she forces herself to her feet and with a lunge, saberstaff aiming straight, Rey exhales with relief when it penetrates the white armour of the Stormtrooper with ease. 

With grim satisfaction, she wrenches her saberstaff out of the body before quickly jerking it upwards horizontally when another Stormtrooper rushes at her with a blaster rifle. With bolts being fired in quick succession, Rey manages to block them deftly and her right foot begins to shift slightly so that she can land an uppercut to him-

-but her feet slip when the _Finalizer_ gives another lurch to the left and she stumbles. 

Time almost seems to stop as a single blaster bolt moves ever so slowly through the air and Rey can do absolutely nothing but watch helplessly in frozen horror as it hits her thigh.

She gasps, teeth clenching so hard that she swears she can hear a crack in her mouth as a scream threatens to tear out of her throat from how agonising the blow to her leg is. But she suppresses it. She’s no weakling, she’d had it worse before. 

She’d been so close to dying too many times in her short life that she’d lost count. 

Legs shaky and muscles screaming, she musters all the strength that she has to block the blows that are coming at her rapidly. She can feel her knees start to buckle from one particular forceful slam of the F-11D blaster rifle and she drops to the ground, saberstaff rolling away from her hands.

Hands planted on the metal floors, she watches the Stormtrooper raise his blaster where its barrel is aimed at her face and Rey swallows hard and trembles just as its end begins to glow-

-and she flinches when the red blade of Ben’s lightsaber cuts through the Stormtrooper with ease. 

“Rey! Kriff!” 

She pants heavily, hands gripping her thigh and when she pulls them away, she sees blood. 

“How bad is it?” he presses urgently, eyes wild and manic looking as he kneels beside her, hands gently cradling her wound.

She shakes her head, eyes watering. “Not too good.” 

Shuddering, she quickly takes a look around but all that greets her are bodies of Stormtroopers. Blood is everywhere and within the carnage, there are limbs torn from bodies. 

It is simply Death. 

Dumbly, she wonders if there was ever a day that men and women from the First Order wouldn’t have to be sacrificed in this manner because of the brainwashing they’ve undergone. 

At this, Finn comes to her mind and the very thought of her friend being one of the bodies that surround them makes her flinch. 

What was the point of all this endless cycle of death? Nothing ever came out from it, unless one included the massive body count over the years. 

“Don’t think about that,” Ben orders gruffly as he rips a strip of cloth from his black tunic and wraps it tightly around her thigh. 

Rey furrows her brows. “How did you know what I was thinking? We can’t use the Force.” 

His fingers still from the knot they were tying and his eyes snap up towards hers. “The Force bond.” 

Her lips gape and she straightens. _Ben?_ She tries, eyes peering into his hopefully.

His eyes soften. _Rey._

She can’t describe the emotions that well up in her but a bubble of laughter leaves her chest and carefully, she reaches a hand to his face and presses it against the scar on his right cheek.

To think she’d been so close to dying that she would never be able to touch or see him again strikes a chord in her heart. But somehow, or perhaps, by the Force, they’d made it. 

Upon her touch, Ben shudders, eyelids fluttering shut and she grins lightly.

There is a minor cut on his forehead, his full lips are split and there is blood, a shadow of a bruise is on the left side of his jaw and his hair is matted with blood and sweat. 

To her, she doesn’t think he’d ever looked this good. 

However, the distant sounds and vibrations that reverberate around them shake them out of their small bubble and again, their eyes meet. 

“That’s a bomb,” she points out uselessly when the ground vibrates terribly and ear-piercing alarms begin to blare.

“I know.” Ben looks more worried than confused as he gets to his feet. “Can you stand? Or even walk?” 

Grabbing the hand that he offers to her, she tests her weight on her feet, wincing when a sudden spike of pain shoots up her spine when pressure is exerted on her wound. “I can, I-it’s bearable.” 

Ben thins his lips, looking ready to argue but she gathers all the strength that she has to remain silent even though everything in her wants to scream when she takes a step. “See, I’m fine.” 

“Liar,” he retorts as he presses his palm gently against the small of her back. “I know when you’re lying.” 

“It doesn’t matter. We still have to get out and find Hux.” 

“Forget about Hux,” he snaps. “You’re badly injured and we have to leave now.” 

She blinks and furrows her brows. “We can’t! We haven’t taken the First Order down.” 

Ben growls and jams the tip of his lightsaber against the ground, leaving a scorching mess on the once-pristine black surface. “Fuck the First Order! Rey, you’re injured. We have to get you help now and that means getting off this fucking ship!” 

“But what about the Resistance? You’ll only be free when we take the First Order down-“ 

“Not when you’re this injured!” Ben interjects harshly. “I don’t give a Kriff about any of that! Not when you’re hurt. Rey, please. We have to go.” 

“Ben-“ 

“Stop fighting me on this!” He snarls before jerking her close to him, large hands gripping onto her shoulders. “What’s the point of being free if you die in the process? You’re the only reason why I agreed to all of this! You can’t die!” 

She doesn’t know that she’s crying until she feels a tear roll down her cheek. 

“Okay,” she whispers, heart sinking as her hands curl into his tunic. “Let’s go.”

He exhales in relief but the worry in his eyes doesn’t fade one bit. Rey doesn’t know what will make that go away.

With her saberstaff firmly back in her hands, she and Ben – but mostly Rey - hobbles towards the doors and just as it slides open, chaos meets them. 

The _Finalizer_ gives another lurch and she would have fallen if Ben hadn’t been holding onto her the entire time. 

“What’s going on?” she shouts through the alarms and Ben begins tugging her down the hallway to where she guesses is the path to the nearest vessel hangar. 

Her questions goes ignored and unanswered but it doesn’t matter because, from the clear window that is beside her, an X-wing flies into view, canons blasting at full force at TIE fighters around in space before it disappears from her angle.

“Is that a Resistance pilot?” Ben is incredulous and before she can reply with an affirmative yes, the _Finalizer_ shudders and everything around them feels like it is crumbling. 

“Rey! We have to get off this ship!” 

She doesn’t hear him, nor does she feel him guiding her urgently along with him, hands tugging onto hers desperately as he attempts to lead her down the hallway.

No, what she feels is the Force. 

The thin wall that had separated her from it is gone and she can feel the energy in her, around her, as if she’d had it all along. As if there had been nothing separating them in the first place. Somehow, she knows that with the Finalizer being attacked, the repelling effect of the Ysalamir blood around the ship has been diminished and now, the Force flows through her. 

“Ben!” She stops, digging her heels into the ground. “The Force! I can feel it!” 

He stills for the barest of moments. “Get on the ground. I’ll heal your leg,” he orders.

Rey obliges and watches in some variation of awe as the torn jagged skin around the wound on her thigh seems to knit back on its own. 

She’d never learned this aspect of the Force and once again, she marvels at the man that is Ben Solo. Who would’ve thought that Ben would have known and been able to master almost everything about the Force. Furthermore, who would have thought that Kylo Ren would have been so adept at healing? It was another contradiction that she’d come to love about him. 

“How is it now?” 

She tests her weight on her legs. The sharp excruciating pain that had lanced up her leg is gone and is replaced by a dull throb. 

“It’s manageable.” Rey grabs his arm. “Ben, if the Resistance is truly here…” she trails off, “we can still take down the First Order.” 

He hesitates but after a moment’s deliberation, he nods curtly and she sighs in relief as hope blooms like a stubborn weed. 

“I’ll find Hux, you destroy the systems at the controls below the bridge.” 

She opens her mouth to interrupt. Surely, he’s not suggesting that they split up? 

“No.” Ben’s eyes warm. “Hux will be above the bridge, monitoring the situation. That’s his favoured position and it’s customary of him to do so. Even though he is now the Supreme Leader, he’s still a Navy General at heart.” 

Rey nods and nothing else needed to be said. Together, they run down the hallway and the scene that greets them makes the fight in the data room look like child’s play. 

Everyone around is involved in some form of combat. She can see Stormtroopers, officers of the First Order battling it out with members of the Resistance as can be seen by the uniforms they wear with its symbol. Already, there are bodies littered around the area and Rey can feel her heart sink a little each time she spots people she knew. 

What makes the whole situation worse is the continuous rocking and trembling of the _Finalizer_. 

From the bay windows, she can see the X-wings of the various squadrons blasting their canons with the TIE fighters. And if she squints hard enough, she can even see Resistance bombers approaching. 

“Let’s go,” Ben urges. 

They do, no matter how much Rey wants to join in the fight. Every part of her longs to help, but taking Hux down with the _Finalizer_ comes first. 

Along the way, she and Ben do engage in combat when rather brave Stormtroopers or officers spot them and begin firing with their blasters.

Nevertheless, the hope that burns strongly in her heart is no match for them when she begins fighting with renewed vigour and ferocity. Because Rey knows that with each step that she takes, she is one step closer to eradicating the First Order. Simultaneously, she and Ben will be one step closer to winning his freedom. 

They managed to get past mostly unscathed, but Rey has new blaster grazes along her arm and a cut on her cheek while Ben has been hit rather badly in his left arm. On the whole, they’re fine. 

But it is definitely with the help of the Force that they’ve managed to get by this far. 

Upon nearing the bridge, they split ways, Rey heading down while Ben moves up. 

Entering, she spots about twenty officers manning the _Finalizer's_ controls and if she peeks up, she can see the furious Supreme Leader barking orders with a tenacity and a lunatic edge that makes Ben seem almost mild. 

“FIRE! KILL THEM ALL!” 

She winces when her hand brushes one of the cuts on her forearm but moves silently. Above her, she can see Ben edging silently towards Hux and she knows that her window of opportunity is closing. 

Doing a quick headcount, she takes in the positions of all the officers and immobilizes them with the Force at once before making them go unconscious; a trick that she’d learned from Ben when he had done the very same thing to her on Takodana before taking her away for interrogation. 

The sound of the unconscious bodies collapsing on the ground echoes around the room and she knows that Ben has lost his surprise advantage. 

“Ren!” Hux practically spits, foaming at the mouth as pure hatred blazes in his eyes as he takes out his blaster pistol. 

Ben pauses but reaches a hand out and squeezes it into a fist. 

But nothing happens. 

Hux is still standing there, a smug maniacal grin on his face and very much alive. 

“You can’t use the Force on _me_ , Ren! I’m the Supreme Leader!” He shouts. “I have the blood of those stupid lizards in my pockets!” 

Ben glowers, jaw shifting and he thumbs the activation switch of his lightsaber. 

The crackling hum of it somewhat soothes her and she watches with bated breath as Hux adopts an offensive stance, blaster pistol in his right hand.

At that, Rey quickly keys into the system and doesn’t look back up. She doesn’t know how long Ben can engage Hux. After all, he’d been terribly hurt and injured while Hux is still immaculate in his black uniform. Hence, she has to destroy the _Finalizer's_ system as quick as possible.

She begins dropping in the various codes of viruses that Ben has drilled into her head in the case the display disk goes missing. These virus codes are the ones that will eat up the system, causing everything to malfunction, while the codes from before merely linked every functioning ship and base of the First Order. 

Her fingers fly over the keyboard with startling speed, fingertips punching in the appropriate buttons while her eyes dart upwards against her will to see Ben and Hux parrying blows. 

She shouldn’t be shocked but she is at the very sight of Hux moving gracefully while dodging Ben’s hits. For all that he is, Rey forgets that he is a General and has worked his way up and must have the basic training in combat. 

But it soon appears that Hux has always known more than he lets on when he simultaneously ducks and kicks a leg out, causing Ben to take a step back before he fires. 

Her breath hitches when it narrowly misses Ben who grits his teeth and advances against the General quickly. 

“You are nothing without the Force, Ren! You’re pathetic! Weak!” Hux taunts as he swings himself out of the way just as Ben’s lightsaber plunges down into the ground. 

From where she is, Rey can tell that Ben is losing patience with his former comrade and is now adopting a more careless form. She can’t tell if the wounds that he has is getting to him, or if he is affected by the words that leave Hux’s mouth.

She glances down at the monitors and a breath of relief escapes from her throat. With one push of a button, the First Order can be taken down. 

Her eyes flit back to Ben and she is just in time to see the crimson blade penetrate through Hux’s abdomen, but not before the General fires his blaster pistol madly, all the crimson bolts flying about randomly.

Two things happen at once. 

She presses the button and about a beat later, the _Finalizer_ begins to tremble violently, mimicking the action of the sinking sands back in Jakku just before it engulfs something into its depths. 

The other thing that happens is the sound of a shout of pure agony.

Her head snaps up so quickly that her neck creaks but Rey can hardly care. Ben is on the ground, cradling his right hand into his chest and from the bond they share, immense pain radiates through her as well. 

Without any hesitation, she scrambles upwards to the bridge from the monitors, uncaring if she dislodges something while climbing up. Hux is motionless, but she can see that his chest is heaving, taking shallow breaths. 

He wouldn’t last long, that she is certain.

Ben, on the other hand, is gritting his teeth so hard that she can feel her own teeth start to ache. Sparing no glances at the General, she rushes forward and her heart drops to see that Ben has sustained a blaster bolt to his torso. She bites her lower lip when she finally sees why he is cradling his right hand. 

Rey doesn’t know if she should snort or choke. 

His right hand is gone.

Just like Luke’s and Vader’s. 

But the very sight of some blood pooling beneath his body snaps her out of it. 

“Ben!” She swallows and studies the wound on his torso. To her immense relief, it’s not too serious or deep and Rey figures that they can make their way to the nearest ship and get off this Kriffing time bomb. “We have to go! The _Finalizer_ is about to explode, can you get up?” 

He nods, an action so short that it is barely noticeable and she presses her lips into a thin line at the strain of getting on his two feet. With his left arm around her shoulders, right arm cradled into his chest, she loops her arm around his waist, doing her best to steady him as they leave the bridge and to the nearest vessel hangar. 

She is just thankful that she has the Force to stabilise the wounds that he has. 

Beneath her, the _Finalizer_ jerks dangerously and her heart begins to pound from how sparks are appearing at every corner that she turns. 

By the time they reach the vessel hangar, Ben is almost dragging his feet on the ground and from the glazed look in his eyes, he is close to losing consciousness. The smoke and grit of the flames around them definitely doesn’t help. 

She scans her surroundings rapidly, panic and anxiety racing through her veins as she tries to figure a way off this cursed ship. 

The vessel hangar is almost deserted of anything living. There are dead bodies everywhere and barely any functioning ships. Everywhere she turns, the walls of the _Finalizer_ begin crumbling and the fire that comes from that is spreading rapidly in waves. 

Abruptly, a terrible mechanical groan sounds and her instincts begin to scream at her to move backward. Rey does just as the ground gives way. Metal debris rains down upon them and a shard slices against her thigh, further antagonising the wound that Ben had healed earlier. 

Heat from the explosion almost singes her skin off her bones, the smoke and soot stings at her eyes, causing them to water and her lungs feel like they’re being drained. But the sight of the gaping split of the _Finalizer_ plunges all of her hopes into dust. 

They are literally surrounded by flames and burning debris.

Rey coughs, her free hand pounding desperately at her chest in a weak attempt to bring some air into her lungs but it doesn’t help. Beside her, Ben drops to the ground, chest heaving as he chokes on the toxic air and the wound on his torso worsens with every croak. 

He stares mutely at her and she too sinks beside him. 

“It’s going to be fine,” she wheezes, eyes watering but not from the smoke but from their desolate circumstances. 

“Alright.” 

The fact that Ben is deciding to placate her instead of calling her out hits her hard. Because that truly means he’d given up hope. 

She snorts, nose sniffling as she cradles his face, fingertips caressing every inch of his skin as much as she can. “I love you, Ben.” 

Her hands threads through his hair and gingerly, she leans forward, ever mindful of his split lip as she presses her mouth against his. 

Where she is heedful of his injuries, Ben doesn’t seem to care one bit for his mouth moves against her aggressively as if they are running out of time and all that they have is this. Which, in a way, is utterly true. 

His uninjured hand trails up to her hair and his fingers tangle in the blood and sweat matted mess. “I love you, too,” he mutters against her lips and at that, she can feel tears rolling down her cheeks. 

She’ll never be able to have a normal life. A life with Ben. A life full of love and laughter. The life she had hoped and wished for so desperately that it made her heart ache and hurt so terribly that it caused her to be sick.

Rey’s mind begins flashing images of things that she’d never have. 

She’ll never have breakfast with Ben again or wake in the morning with him in their bed together, hair mussed with pillow creases on his cheeks. She’ll never be able to tease him, to see his cheeks flush in embarrassment when she pokes fun at him. Neither would she be able to have a home with him, or to feel his arms around her. 

Nor would she have a family with him. 

At that, the very image of a tiny little boy that has Ben’s messy black curls, big ears and her hazel eyes with a full pout flashes into her mind and she sucks in a sob, hands curling into his black tunic. 

She wants that. 

She wants that with an intensity that she almost can’t breathe. 

Ben chokes and she knows that he too had seen that little boy in her mind. 

“I’m sorry.” His left hand rubs the tears away, causing them to mingle with the soot and grim on her face. “I’m so sorry.” 

She shakes her head. “You’ve nothing to be sorry for.” Her lower lip quivers and she can’t even focus on him anymore. “Just hold me, please.” 

Ben obliges her and she curls into his arms, face pressed into the crook of his neck, she can feel hot tears land on her face. Tears that she knows do not belong to her. 

At least, they would die together, not separated like the tragedy that had been Padmé and Anakin. Rey could take some comfort from that. 

“Rey, I love you,” Ben breathes out shakily, hand holding her close and she feels the scalding hot tears roll down her cheeks in fat rivulets. 

“Me too.”

The flooring under them trembles, a sign that it wouldn’t hold long and Rey closes her eyes and presses her face into his chest, inhaling the scent of him that is intermingled with sweat, blood and, smoke.

She is prepared to die. 

Cracks begin forming on the once glossy floor and she tenses, hands clutching so hard onto him that she hopes that wherever the dead go, she’ll be able to take him with her, even in the afterlife.

Just as the floor is giving way, a bright light flashes over them and her eyes snap open. 

The _Millennium Falcon_ hovers above them. 

Chewie and Poe are piloting it and she can see Finn and Rose waving at her enthusiastically from the window. 

The Falcon turns to its rear and the rear ramp lowers approximately ten metres away from them. Quickly, she scrambles to her feet and hauls Ben up. Even though he probably weighs twice, she manages, energized by the sight of the Corellian freighter. Finn greets her, shouting something that she can’t really hear and from how much the ground is quivering beneath her feet, she doesn’t have much time. 

Finn says something, hands outstretched and she sighs with relief when he grabs at Ben’s shoulders and heaves him up, disappearing from view and hastily, she reaches out and as she does, the ground crumbles, metal panels disintegrating into the maelstrom of heat and ashes. 

Rey can feel herself falling and she is probably screaming but the fact that Ben is alright and safe soothes her. Closing her eyes, she can almost feel the flames licking at her feet and is prepared to be engulfed by it-

-as a pair of furry hands grab her wrists and she is jerked abruptly, body dangling in the air. 

“Chewie!” She gapes, eyes flying open at the sight of the Wookie who is howling something. 

Her chest constricts and Rey finds herself being tugged upwards just as the _Finalizer_ caves in on itself, leaving nothing but a mass explosion that causes everything around them to reverberate from the impact.

She doesn’t feel safe until the rear ramp draws upwards and slams shut. Chewie growls something while Finn and Rose lead her gently to the main hall and she glances at Poe who tips his head awkwardly from the co-pilot seat, eyes meeting hers briefly.

“How?” she croaks. 

Poe opens his mouth to reply but Rose beats him to it as she offers her a reproachful look. “We found out you lied and Leia bargained with the rest of the Tribunal to come to your aid to ensure that the First Order would be gone for good.” 

“Oh,” she murmurs, knees buckling when the adrenaline that has been coursing through her veins fades. “Where’s Ben?” 

Finn jerks his head backward and forcing her legs to move, she stumbles over to the sofa that Finn has laid him out on and finally, she allows herself to collapse beside him on the ground. 

“Ben?” She whispers, hands trembling as she touches his face. 

“Rey,” he breathes out, voice hoarse and scratchy from the smoke and she exhales shakily in relief. 

“You’re alright,” she murmurs soothingly as she runs her hands through his hair gently. “We’re alright. Everything is fine now.” 

“I know.” 

He shifts and she eyes the wound on his torso. “I’ll get that cleaned up,” she mutters, pushing herself off the ground to get the first aid kit. 

“It’s nothing I haven’t had before,” he groans as he tries to sit up as she drags the first aid kit towards him.

“I know that.” She frowns as she begins cleaning the wound and then, applying the bacta patches. “Stop moving. You’re hurt.” 

He eyes her through half-lidded eyes. “Yeah. But at least you can be the right hand to my left.” 

Rey stares at him, flabbergasted, and then her eyes flick to what is left of his right hand. “Did you just make a _joke_ about your hand?” 

“Did I?” Ben raises a brow, left hand tugging her down beside him and she is too tired to protest or argue, so she curls up in his arms.

“You did,” she retorts and raises her head to look at him. Ben has closed his eyes but there is a faint tug on the corner of his lips.

The reality that is this – that they are safe – sinks in and she too closes her eyes and buries her head in the crook of his neck. And for the first time in a really long time, she truly relaxes because everything is going to be just fine.

After all, they are finally free. 

\- FIN -

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all! Thank you so much for reading! And can you believe this little fic of mine has 7000 hits already? You guys are the best, truly! I love you all! ♥♥♥
> 
> The epilogue should be up by tomorrow or June 1, so watch out for it! Let me know your thoughts by leaving comments because I thrive on those! Spread the word too, if you can! ;)
> 
> I'm on [tumblr](http://resplendxntly.tumblr.com) too! So come and bug me! I truly don't mind ;) 
> 
> Also, I've posted the Modern Corporate AU fic already. It's called _And Just Like This_ so go check it out and spread the word ha. ♥♥♥


	11. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which it is a new beginning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is: The Epilogue. Which is in Ben's POV due to all the prior chapters being in Rey's. All I can say is that I'm always unapologetic about fluff and smut.

Epilogue

Ben stares at the parts laid around him. 

It really shouldn’t be hard. He’d done this twice before and doing it the third time should be a piece of cake. 

So why exactly is he hesitating? 

It is a rhetorical question aimed at himself. He knows the reason why. He knows it all too well. 

He’d destroyed his first lightsaber in fear of the colour that appeared. Anything tangible that showed he had the Dark had to be gone, no matter how small or few. It didn’t matter that there had been a Jedi Master with the purple. 

Luke had always been too wary, too suspicious of him. It was shown in the way Luke regarded him or disregarded him in the various circumstances back on Yavin IV. 

The second had been a tribute to the crimes he’d committed, the innocent lives he had taken, the things he’d destroyed and burnt to ashes. It wasn’t a wonder why it’d been crimson. In fact, he’d welcome it. The crimson crossguard lightsaber was in a way, meant as open defiance to Luke and his teachings, his father and his impossible expectations and even his mother with her fear of him. 

_Look at me! Look at what I’ve become!_ He’d wanted to shout as he brandished the weapon at his family. He’d wanted to revel in the fear that would undoubtedly show, the disappointment, as well as the resigned knowing glances that he’d been Dark all along and it was them who had pushed him to it. 

But now, Ben is afraid. 

If the blade is red again, he isn’t too sure of what he’ll do. 

Alright he does, he’ll probably toss the whole thing into a fire and watch it burn while swearing to never hold a lightsaber again. 

It wouldn’t matter. He doesn’t need one. Not anymore after since the First Order had been eradicated approximately a year and a half ago. 

Intergalactic peace has finally been achieved after centuries and the second New Republic has been formed back on his birth planet, Chandrila. The small blue-green planet with the seas and lush hills had been chosen due to it being the first but temporary home of the former New Republic after the Battle of Endor in 4ABY. In a way, it was a sign of respect to the New Republic that had been destroyed in the Hosnian System.

However, things in the galaxy would never be perfectly ideal, but there was peace and that alone is enough for him. For them. 

“Okay, what the hell is taking so long?” 

His eyes dart up and Rey is staring down at him, hands on her hips with a perplexed expression on her face as her eyes narrow. 

Ben doesn’t bother responding but simply focuses his eyes back to his dilemma. Carefully, he begins slotting pieces into place, ever mindful of the pair of hazel eyes on him the entire time. However, when the lightsaber begins to take shape, his gut swoops and he feels sick. Too sick to continue. 

“Ben?” 

He scrambles up to his feet, dropping the unfinished saber to the ground and stalks out of the room and out of the house. He needs air. His lungs feel like their collapsing. He can’t breathe. He wants to retch.

“Ben!” Rey calls, voice and footsteps growing louder as she nears him, but he doesn’t care as he grips the fence hard, knuckles turning white from how much force he is exerting as he screws his eyes shut. 

A small hand slips up his back and involuntarily, he shudders, frame wracking and he clenches his jaw. 

“Ben, it won’t.” Her voice is warm and yet firm and he wishes he can believe her. “It won’t be red.”

He lets out a disbelieving snort. Of course, Rey would cheat and use the Force to skim through his thoughts. 

“I did not!”

She sounds affronted and the huff that accompanies her words make him relax marginally. Slowly, he lets go of the fence and looks down at Rey who was wrinkling her nose at him. “You just did,” he points out lightly and his Rey turns bright red.

“That’s not the point,” she mutters, mouth twisting before her hand on her back rubs the length of his right shoulder blades smoothly, just the way he likes it. “It won’t turn red, Ben. I know it won’t.” 

The mention of the accursed issue of lightsabers revives his panic again. 

“Well, what if it does? What if you’re wrong and it turns red?” 

“I’m never wrong,” Rey sniffs and chin tilting challengingly, eyes daring him to contradict her. 

Ben decides that now is not the appropriate situation to bring up the time when Rey had been wrong about the Millennium Falcon needing repairs and because of that, they had been stranded on Endor for two weeks or the other time when she’d insisted that she wasn’t sick from playing in the rain and had stayed in bed coughing and sneezing for close to a week. 

Or the other time when she’d claimed that she could cook. 

She couldn’t. 

Everyone had ended up ill with food poisoning. His mother had gone a deathly shade of grey, while he was never too far from the ‘fresher in case his stomach had another uprising. 

“Of course,” he placates a tad bit sardonically but Rey completely misses it as she beams. 

“See, now, go build it, it’ll be fine.” She begins shoving him back into the house and he sighs, allowing himself to be tugged back by someone who definitely weighs probably one-third of him.

The things he’ll do for Rey and the things he’d done for her.

Once again, Ben finds himself seated on the ground, cross-legged and reluctantly, he continues. Rey is curled up beside him, eyes watching eagerly as he inserts pieces and slides them into their respective areas. 

The only reason why he is building another lightsaber is to start anew. He couldn’t use the crimson lightsaber that had served him for about ten years. Hence, this exercise was in a way, to test the waters of his newly healed soul.

“Wait, you’re building another crossguard lightsaber?” 

He pauses and Rey is grimacing as she takes the hilt of the lightsaber from him and examines it closely. 

“So? What about it?” 

“Does it have to be a crossguard?” 

Ben glowers and Rey rolls her eyes. “Fine, I was just asking.”

Inwardly, he sighs, before slipping the emitter matrix to its controls and –

“You should do it like this,” Rey interrupts and points at a spot on the hilt. 

“Rey.” He scowls, fingers stilling. “I’ve done this before. Twice, in fact.” 

“I know you have, I just want to help.” 

At that, he softens and Rey must have sensed the change in mood for she slips into his arms and presses a soft kiss to his freshly shaven jaw. “It’ll be fine, Ben.”

His eyes close shut as she threads a hand through his hair and he forces himself to concentrate, even though her fingers were trailing tantalizingly against his scalp. 

Rey had always been a distraction. 

A welcomed one, at least. 

It didn’t matter how they’d been on two different ends of the galaxy, he’d always been attuned to her emotions through the Force bond that they shared. He’d often wondered what exactly had made her so special and gifted with the Force. He hadn’t understood it at first. 

She was no one, an abandoned child in a wasteland that ought to have been destroyed long ago. However, under the sweltering heat and sand, she’d flourished. Rey had survived where countless others hadn’t. It had been the Force, he tried to rationalise his burgeoning interest. It had been her strength and adeptness of the Force that intrigued him, drew him in.

But no. After their many interactions, he’d come to realise that it was her. It was Rey and her sheer will and determination to survive that struck a chord in him. It was the loneliness that mirrored his as well as the acceptance she always sought that made him see the similarities that they shared. 

Hence, it wasn’t a surprise to him when he became terribly enamoured with her. He’d do anything for her, he thinks. And from this, it does shed some clarity on Anakin Skywalker’s action of turning to the Dark for Padmé. 

Ben knows for sure that he would do that too for Rey. After all, she means everything to him.

Slowly, his eyes move down to her left hand where the slim gold band rests on her fourth finger. 

Its larger partner on his left hand. 

They’ve been married as soon as they were cleared of their injuries. Neither of them had been willing to wait after all that has happened. Ben doesn’t think he can forget the white dress that she wears nor the gold detailing on it that reminds him strongly of that gold slinky dress she’d worn on Naboo. 

He also doesn’t think he can ever forget how she’d laughed and smiled and shined so brightly on that day. 

He doesn’t want to forget a single detail about that day.

“Ben?” Rey’s voice is like a bright beacon that guides him away from his thoughts.

Blinking, he looks down at the lightsaber that he’d completed while reminiscing and again, the nerves come back in full force. What if the blade is still red? What if this proves that he is truly on the Dark side? What would Rey think? What would Casyr think?

“I-“ he begins, fingers slightly trembling as his thumb hovers over the activation switch. “Rey, I-“

“Just press it!” Rey sighs exasperatedly, having lost all of her patience and he does. 

The colour that is emitted from the blade makes him choke and he can feel his eyes turning glassy. Beside him, Rey gasps, hands clutching onto his foreams as the steady hum of the lightsaber resonates throughout the room.

The blade is undeniably purple.

* * * * *

Ben doesn’t think he can ever stop. 

Rey is urging him to go faster, heels digging into his back, hands gripping his shoulders, fingernails scratching his back. Sweat is dripping down his neck and on his temples but he doesn’t want to stop this. 

His hips thrust against hers savagely as though he wants to fuck himself deep into her with every stroke of his cock and Rey keens, back arching as she flings her head back on the soft pillows. He takes the opportunity to mouth at the delicate skin of her neck as he speeds up the movement of his hips. 

She is close. The fluttering walls of her cunt clench down on his length and abruptly, he jerks, the very action wrenching a hoarse groan from his lungs. 

“Ben, faster!” Rey gasps, lips parted as she rocks her hips and he does. “Close, I’m close!”

It doesn’t come as a surprise when their climax crashes through them in soul-ripping pleasure. Rey moans, body jerking against the spasms that his cock gives as his spend spurts out of him. All Ben can focus on is how good she feels around him and instinctively, he flicks a thumb at her clit, dragging out her orgasm and Rey shudders, mouth in a wide ‘O’.

Slowly, he pulls out and slumps to the space beside her. 

“Love you,” Rey murmurs sleepily as she cuddles closer to him, head on his chest with a hand flung over his torso. 

“Love you too,” he echoes and automatically pulls her close. 

But somehow, sleep doesn’t come to him. He stares up at the ceiling for what seems like hours and then at Rey who is spread wide out on the bed. Years of being alone had caused her to occupy as much space as she can, uncaring about anything else. 

Ben doesn’t mind. Even though he is often pushed to the edge of the bed on most nights with some of her hair in his face or a hand smacking him in the middle of the night. 

Abruptly, his stomach churns.

It is one of those nights.

Quietly, he slips off the bed, grabbing the trousers he’d discarded earlier and pulls it on. With that done, he pads silently to the other end of the house and steps in the room at the left. 

The cot is empty. Ben knows that. 

Casyr had been spending the weekend with Leia who claimed that she wanted to spend time with her grandson, giving both Ben and Rey a needed break. 

Carefully, his hands linger on the edge of the barriers of the cot, fingers trailing the length of it and his eyes flick to the shelves around the room full of toys and holobooks and then his eyes dart to the picture of them as a family on the right dresser. 

Rey was beaming proudly as she held their son in her hands while he was standing awkwardly at their side, uncomfortable with showing affection in front of strangers and especially in front of a camera. But nonetheless, he’d forced an impassive expression on his face instead of the glower he was wont to have in normal circumstances. 

But the result of the picture had been better than he’d expected. Instead of the blank expression he knew he’d worn, the picture portrayed a soft curve of his lips as he looked down at Rey and Casyr. His only two reasons for living.

His mother had even teared up at the photo and requested a copy. 

Feeling his heart constrict, his eyes narrows on to his son’s and the grip on his heart grew tighter. Rey always said that Casyr had inherited most of his looks from him, but Ben didn’t see it. In his son’s face, he saw his mother’s warm hazel eyes, button nose, and freckles, not the black curls or the big ears that he himself had.

But most importantly, Casyr would never have the childhood that he or Rey had.

With that fresh thought in his mind, he rubs a hand over his chest, a weak attempt to soothe the uncomfortable pressure on his lungs. 

Being a father hadn’t been part of his plans, but he didn’t regret it one bit. 

Apparently, both he and Rey had forgotten one crucial piece of the puzzle: contraception. His mother had given both of them flat sardonic looks and he doesn’t think he would ever forget the way his face had burned bright red. 

Unfortunately, to his utter horror, Rey had been carrying Casyr ever since Naboo. And that meant she’d gone into battle on the _Finalizer_ with Casyr. At that, Ben flinches, he doesn’t like to think about the _Finalizer_. There, they’d been so close to losing it all.

But by some stroke of luck, or because of the Force – whatever it is, they’ve made it. Mostly intact.

However, that still doesn’t give him the peace that he needs. 

Fatherhood is something he is deathly afraid of. Casyr is still a mere baby, about a little more than a year and Ben guesses that he still has time to figure this parenting thing out because he never wants to be the father that he had. 

He doesn’t want to be Han. 

He doesn’t want to be an absentee father, only coming back after being away for months just for a short visit before jetting off again. He wants to be the father that he wishes Han had been. 

He wants to be there for every special moment, every milestone, every birthday, every hurt or scratch, joy, and laughter, he wants it all. 

The problem is, he doesn’t know how. 

If only there had been a parenting holobook titled _‘How To Make Your Child Love You & Not Kill You With a Lightsaber’_ lying around. He’d fucking devour it.

He never wants Casyr to look at him with anger or resentment, the exact way he’d looked at his father on more than one occasion. 

Tensely, he grabs at the railings of the cot and exhales heavily. 

He doesn’t want to fail his son or disappoint him. From the moment he’d first laid eyes on his son in the medical wing, he’d been sucker punched hard in the gut. To think that he and Rey had created something so special and tiny and helpless made his heart swell. 

It had been love at first sight and Ben knows he would do anything for his son. 

“Ben? What are you doing up?” Rey calls and guiltily, he whirls around to meet her. 

“I couldn’t sleep,” he offers gruffly.

Rey – his Rey frowns, rubbing her eyes tiredly as she steps further into the room. “Is it one of those nights, then?” 

Of course, Rey knows about this never-ending fear of his. Of how he’ll ultimately fail their son in everything and that he’ll be a terrible father. Of course, she would know. Rey knows everything there is to know about him and he, her in return. That was how they worked; open communication and pure honesty. In fact, that had been one of their marriage vows, something he’d insisted on.

Rey knows about the terrible fights his parents had when he was young, which often leads to nightmares and emotional scarring for him and Ben never wants his son to witness any of that. Rey had understood tearily before she presses her face into his chest, his tunic soaking up her tears.

They had their fights and arguments but they’ve always patched things up before the night is over. 

“No.” 

“Liar,” she mutters, sliding her left hand onto his bare back and the coolness of her hands makes an involuntary shiver to shoot up his spine.

“Takes one to know one,” he mumbles and Rey smacks him lightly on his back. 

“Fight me, Solo,” she retorts, a smile breaking on her face before it fades, giving way to a solemn expression. “Ben, there’s nothing for you to worry about.” 

“What if I’m like him?” He interjects quickly, voice adopting more force into his words. 

“You’re not Han. I’ve seen the way you interact with Casyr, you can’t even leave him alone for more than a day. In fact, you were the one disagreeing the most to let Leia take him for the weekend.” 

He remains silent and his fingers curl around the railings of the cot. “What if I disappoint him? What if he hates me? I was Kylo Ren, I’ve done terrible things—things that would ruin any impression he has of me.” 

Rey’s eyes are warm and he watches as she reaches up to thread a hand through his hair before cupping his cheek. “We’re human, we’re bound to make mistakes. All we have to do is to be there for him when he needs us and to give him love. And Casyr would know the true story of Kylo Ren, how he’d been turned to the Dark by manipulations of Snoke, not those glorified stories.”

His eyes close and Rey intertwines their hands together. 

“Ben, come back to bed,” she coaxes and he obliges her. 

How can he not? 

Back in their shared bed, he tugs Rey closer and she sighs in contentment, pressing a kiss on his chest before she dozes off. 

And unlike earlier, this time, he too falls asleep. 

* * * * *

He doesn’t let go of Casyr. 

Leia had finally returned Casyr to them and Ben is really in no mood to entertain anyone, not even his mother or Chewie who self-invites themselves for lunch. If it was any other day, he wouldn't mind having meals with his mother and Chewie. But not today. He just wants time with Rey and Casyr.

It gets worse when Rey’s friends turn up with food and he wonders if this all pre-planned without him knowing. He wouldn’t put it past Rey to do something like this considering she knows how much he is awfully uncomfortable around everyone. 

But for her, he’ll sit through it. 

Not that he’ll make it easy, of course. He may be redeemed in a sense, but not that redeemed.

In his arms, Casyr is sleeping, safely cuddled and Ben doesn’t think he can stop looking at him. At the dark downy curls on his head, the slightly big ears and the little snoring sounds his son makes, and the discomfort from last night’s episode fades. 

“I’ll always be here for you,” he murmurs softly as he stands in a corner in the room while everyone talks and laughs somewhere else in the house. “I’ll never let anyone hurt you.”

Casyr doesn’t respond but simply squirms slightly and Ben softly runs a finger over his soft cheek. The child shifts and lets out a yawn and Ben falls in love all over again.

“Ben? Really? You’re hiding here?”

He looks up and Rey is standing in the doorway, an incredulous expression on her face.

“Casyr is sleeping,” he points out but the knowing look on Rey’s face proves to him that she knows that it is a weak excuse.

“Okay,” she relents before padding her way closer to them and Ben can’t help but let his eyes linger on the pale yellow dress that she wears but his attention is soon grabbed at the sight of Rey taking Casyr from his arms and snuggling him in her embrace.

He doesn’t think he would ever get tired of seeing Rey and Casyr together. The image of both mother and child is…perfect. More so, considering that they’re _his_ family. The people that he cherishes the most. 

As Rey begins to make soft cooing noises at Casyr, she glances up at him, hazel eyes sparkling with sheer happiness and love and Ben thinks that his heart might actually burst. 

“I love you both,” he breathes out, hands encircling around Rey. 

The bright smile that lights her face soothes his very battered soul. “I love you too, Ben.” With that, she tilts her head and presses her lips against his. 

Ben Solo has finally found peace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yep. The Reylo baby. To be honest, I'm not too happy with my writing with the last few chapters and I'm not very confident in it and I have no idea why but enough about that. Let me know your thoughts about this and well anything if you want.
> 
> Thank you all so much for reading and commenting and basically, **_everything_**. This fic has gotten so far in just one month and I'm just really touched and awed by you guys in the Reylo fam! 
> 
> My next project will be the modern corporate AU that can already be found on my profile, so for those who are interested, I'll see you there! 
> 
> Also, I'm on [tumblr](http://resplendxntly.tumblr.com) too so you guys can find me there too! 
> 
> I love you all, truly! ♥♥♥


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